It’s day 23 without dating and I have to say that I definitely thought when I made this promise that I would just stop thinking about boys. But I guess that just because I made this promise doesn’t mean that crushes will just dissolve away.
About a week or 2 ago I sent a text to my ex. I told him I wanted to have sex. I didn’t really want to, I just felt angry. I wanted to get back at God, He had been ignoring me and I made this promise to stay pure when I was 16, for Him, to respect Him and to respect marriage, the least He could do was answer me when I call out.
My ex, (who is a non-Christian), told me that it wasn’t a good idea because it’s not what I really want. He was right, I didn’t want to. I just appreciate that he cared about me enough to not let me throw away what I believe in because of a rough patch. He knew I would regret it and honestly if he had said yes, I can’t for sure say that I would’ve changed my mind at the last minute. A part of me says I would’ve bolted out of the room, but I remember how alone I felt, I remember how low I was and how my whole life seemed to be unraveling. I remember feeling that God had abandoned me. Not many people know about this, I’m really good at pretending everything is okay, (I’m like Bree from “Desperate Housewives” that way.) And I had always felt that you should keep your struggles to yourself. But I was obviously wrong, I mean just look at what that did to me.
I’m not proud of this weak moment but it’s just a reminder of Matthew 26:41, which is now circled in red pen, highlighted, and starred in my Bible.
Later, I talked to one of my friends and told Him about the craziness happening in my family and in my personal life and how I felt that God had abandoned me. He told me to remember the story of Job; he said that sometimes we may feel like God is ignoring us when really, all things are working according to His plan. And His plan is perfect. Even if you are thinking that He is not very just or that He is not very loving, He is always in your corner. My friend told me to remember that all we can see is the snapshot, it is only God who can see how the movie plays out.
I know, he should be a minister.
This gave me comfort, but I was still having problems trusting God. In high school, track was my favorite sport, not only because I was good, but because I viewed it as an individual sport. If I didn’t get a new personal record or if I lost I knew it was because of something I did. If I won or broke a record, it was because of something I did. Me. Alone. I hated relays because if we didn’t do well it was hard to tell who screwed up. See I learned very early on to do things on my own if I want them done “right.” I had a great childhood, but I have a huge family and I got to watch family members make mistake after mistake. I learned from them and steered clear from that, I’ve gotten pretty far thinking for myself and directing my own path so someone telling me to trust someone with my plans for the future was absurd. Even if that someone is God.
I’m a planner, when I was in the 8th grade going into high school, I had my whole 4 year plan mapped out. I knew exactly what classes I would take and when I would take them; I knew what sports I would play and what clubs I would join.
Letting go and letting God is going to be hard because even though He has my best interest, I still think my plans are perfect. As my mentor says, “it’s a heart issue.”