My “Wicked”

I had a realization. I think another reason that I sought or seek love from men is because I subconsciously was trying to be like “that girl”: I have never been and will never be the girl who turns heads when she walks into a room, I don’t come out of relationships with guys lining up to date me, I’m not gorgeous, I’m not hot, I am not an extrovert, and, I don’t understand things like, when a guy asks you if you’re cold he really means he wants you to lay down next to him. Instead, I say things like, “no, I’m actually not cold, which is really weird cause I usually am,” and continue to watch the movie. Guys have to say what they mean to me because I don’t speak this secret language that everyone else just seems to get! Once, a guy asked me if I was talking to anyone and I said, “ummm I’m talking to you right now and I was texting my friend like a minute ago…”

Maybe there’s a guy out there who will appreciate that. Maybe there’s a guy who can appreciate that I’d get nervous even if he looks at me, or that I would much rather stay in on Friday nights and watch movies on Netflix than party, that I go out of my way to try new things, that I’m really weird and make random noises when it’s too quiet, or that I’m a total nerd who gets excited about things like volunteering or looking at microorganisms or dissecting things, or that I stare at bugs sometimes because I think they’re cool. And maybe there’s someone who can accept my worst qualities too, like how I can be a bit obnoxious, or how, if I disagree with someone I’m not shy to voice my opinion and stand my ground-I can be stubborn, or how being around new people makes me nervous, or that I put off the first kiss for as long as I can because even thinking about kissing makes me nervous.

Maybe there’s no one for me at all and I just have to figure out a way to make that alright in my head. I have plenty of distractions; I have school, Cru, SAGE (student alliance for a greener environment,) I am a volunteer coach for a cheer team for children with special needs, I am a court appointed special advocate-in training, I might get a job at the YMCA (I was told by a man that works there that I should look into it because of my diverse background in sports), I’m working on internship applications, and yet, nothing can distract me from this feeling that I have, this feeling that companionship is not part of God’s plan for me. I hope that I’m wrong, feelings can be misleading, but, I just can’t shake it. People tell me that I’m going to make a great wife one day or a great mother one day and I totally agree but, I have a feeling I’m not going to get that. It’s not necessarily a bad or sad thing, it’s just a little sad for me right now because I am family oriented and I’ve always known that’s what I want. This could totally be an Abraham thing where God takes away my dreams temporarily to test me, but I don’t know, I just have a feeling…

I think the way I deal with this is not by ignoring it or by distracting myself, but, by taking a head on approach. I’ve just got to sit down and tell myself, “look, you’re not ‘that girl,’ you’ve always wanted to be, but you’re not. You’re Elphaba and whether there’s a Fiyero or not, you’ve just got to accept it. Accept it.” I think I can do that. After all, Elphaba is my favorite character in my favorite musical, but even Elphie gets her Fiyero…

Hmm, maybe I need a new favorite character in a new favorite musical…

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