How was this week? I have no idea actually; I am kind of sick of all of this intrinsic thinking, to be quite honest. It has gotten to the point where I’m thinking about ways to improve myself constantly. That’s not why I started this, I started this to eliminate the idols that were in my life because they distracted me from the possibility of a stronger relationship with Christ.
Honestly, looking back, I thought, when I started this, that, in doing this God would see how dedicated I am and reward me with the right guy. It’s silly, but that’s how messed up my thinking was. I, in my selfishness, have turned this into an “all about me” project and it is tiring; it is tiring to always be thinking, “how can I be better?” I am starting to do this wrong, I need to instead think, “how can I strengthen my relationship with Christ?” This journey has definitely made me closer to Him, but, now I am turning it into a selfish thing. I need to start asking, in everything I do, “is this to make myself better for God or is this for my gain?”
I was talking to a friend about maybe doing pageants because it would give me confidence in my beauty, it would help me get rid of my fear of people judging me, and, it would teach me the skills that are valuable in my career path. He said I should do it because it sounds like a good idea. But then, I started thinking that it would be awfully selfish of me; is me being in pageants going to glorify the Lord, or would I be doing it for my own selfish gain?
I want to be a Nurse Practitioner and a politician, I want to do those things to help people. If my main goal is to help people then the steps I take to get there need to reflect that. The minute I turn the steps in my career path into something selfish is the minute my whole life, and my whole career become about me. My life and my career will never be about me, they will always be about serving others. Who would I be helping by being in pageants? I’d be helping myself. No pageants. If I keep asking questions like these most decisions in my life should be pretty simple, hard, but simple.