A Sinner, a Saint, and a Bride

I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am pretty, but not beautiful. I have friends, but I am not the peacemaker. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love.

-Marilyn Monroe

I’ve started to figure out why I feel like a fraud in my own life. For the longest time I’ve looked to my parents to guide me through life and tell me what to do, that stops now. I do what they say because I trust them with my life but usually I ask them for advice and without really thinking about what I want I follow their advice. But I’m starting to realize the only ones who really know what I want in life are God and I. I may take my parents’ advice knowing that it’s wrong for example, I had an interview scheduled this morning and instead of following my gut and trying to get there early (I go to places early when I am nervous or anxious, I’m usually the first person at a team tryout or 15 mins early for an interview) my dad told me to not go as early as I wanted to, so I ended up sitting in our driveway trying to defrost my windows, got caught in traffic, and ended up missing my train to Chicago and had to reschedule the interview. I knew that I should have followed my own plan but because he’s my dad I listened. I usually give myself time for extraneous factors such as snow, delayed trains, frost on windows, traffic, and anything else out of my control that may go wrong. My parents are the kind of people who leave at the last possible minute, I knew this but I listened anyway so it’s my fault I missed the interview. I’m a puppet and it’s my fault. I do what I’m told without any if ands or buts but I’m turning 21 in 3 weeks, I am an adult and it’s time for this puppet to cut the strings.

Now, it’s not that me and my parents don’t want the same things for my life, it’s just our visions of the trip there are different, I am in a purple ferrari on a zig-zag road maxing out on the car with the music blasting and the windows down and they want me in a cute little car going the straight and narrow course with music at an appropriate volume. Now I don’t mean that literally, although a purple ferrari would be totally sweet, I mean they have a plan for me and it’s not that I don’t want it, it’s that I want to make it my own. Lately I’ve hated my life because I am not enjoying my classes and I have nothing to look forward to when I wake up in the morning. I talked to my first ex boyfriend about this and he told me to suck it up, everybody goes through it, we choose a major we can tolerate to get a job we can tolerate that hopefully pays well so that we can finally do what we want, it’s a means to an end. And I don’t know about you, but I think that’s really fucked up. Life is too short for people to spend their time doing things they can “tolerate” in hopes that one day they’ll finally be able to do what they want, but it’s the way our society is structured and it’s not all bad, I think it is kind of a positive message in a twisted way, the message is, “what can I do for the world I live in,” not, “what can the world do for me?” And even though this means to an end thing totally sucks, it makes sense, we do what we need to in order to survive and then once our lives are stable we can finally do what we want. I don’t like it, but that’s life.

So what I need to do is ditch the small boring car and get my Ferrari so that I can enjoy the ride. To get back control of my life I need to embrace my inner sinner and stop trying to be perfect for everyone else so that when I wake up in the morning I finally feel like I want to be awake. I want to make my reality better than my dreams. Here’s my sinner/saint list:

“SINNER”

  • I like to drink. I’m not a drunk, the big reason my parents frown upon drinking is because alcoholism runs in my family on both sides but I’m a serious lightweight with control issues, I think I’m safe.
  • I like going to clubs-gay clubs, straight clubs, drag shows, everything because the people there want the same thing I want- to have a good time. I’m not there to judge or to protest, because honestly, I don’t care what people do with their own lives, I just enjoy being part of it.
  • Even though I’m the daughter of a Reverend I don’t like church. I just don’t like going, I don’t gain anything from it right now, I’ll start going again when college is over because right now God is providing all my spiritual needs and church feels like a waste of time. I’ve already told my parents and they actually agree, if I am not gaining anything from going and it doesn’t bring me joy to go, I shouldn’t go. One thing I heard and I always like to say is, “going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.” In fact, some of the biggest sinners go to church, pointing their fingers at everyone else and telling people they’re going to hell. Um, I believe it was Jesus who said, “let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” and since Jesus isn’t casting stones I don’t know where these people get the nerve, it’s as if they are saying they are greater than Jesus Himself. Also, if you’re not God you can’t for sure say someone is going to hell and the people who do are using His name in vain and, according to the Bible, that is punishable.
  • I do not believe you go to hell just because you don’t accept the gift of eternal life, it’s a gift and I don’t think God would eternally punish someone for saying, “no thanks, I don’t want to live forever, I’ll just enjoy life now.” I mean the Bible says, “the wages of sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life.” I’m not wrong, if we don’t accept Jesus then we are not saved from sin, so we die, but if we do then God gives us the gift of eternal life. He didn’t say “for the wages of sin is death but if you don’t accept my gift I will damn you to hell.” How did we get to this messed up translation? I’ve spoken with a lot of people about this and I’ve come to the conclusion that no one really knows what happens to people who don’t accept eternal life but aren’t evil. So who knows and who cares, but I refuse to believe that people who say no thanks are sent to hell, that just doesn’t make sense and I wouldn’t follow a God like that.
  • I wear tight, short dresses and high heels to clubs.
  • I think it’s okay to flirt and casually date multiple people as long as everyone knows you’re casually dating them
  • I want to go skinny dipping!
  • I like showing off my body because I’ve worked to maintain it and I love it. I don’t wear things that are too short, tight, or revealing on a daily basis, but in the summer I love to just wear shorts and a bikini top which is why I need to move some place sunny!! Illinois is Alaska part 2, it’s spring break and I almost got frost bite this morning, terrible. Anyway, I’m not ashamed of my body and I don’t think anyone should be.
  • I curse rarely because on the rare occasion that I do it lets people know just how serious I am or how much emphasis I’m adding to a phrase
  • I like going streaking, although I’ve only done it once but it was super fun
  • I watch Archer, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Bad Girls Club. Why? Because they’re funny.
  • Someone once asked, on a trip I took to Panama City Beach last year, why a bunch of Christians would want to be around so much sin (we went there with Campus Crusades for Christ to evangelize on the beaches, we surprisingly had a lot of conversations with college kids who were already Christian so this girl was puzzled because she thought we’d be talking to a bunch of non-believers) and all I could think was, ‘beaches, boys, and bar parties, why wouldn’t you?’ Just because you go to PCB doesn’t mean you’re off screwing the world, doing drugs, and contracting STIs. Yes, PCB is one of the most dangerous places to go for spring break but those people were who they were before they came to PCB, the high of being on spring break just amplifies who they already were. If I went with a bunch of my friends I can guarantee I wouldn’t do anything I’d be ashamed of, that’s just who I am.
  • I like getting pierced but I hate needles, doesn’t make sense but hey, whatever
  • I want a tattoo on my left shoulder of the sun (apparently it means you’re blessed, someone told me this after I told them that I want the sun tattoo so now I obviously have to get it) I also want a really small one on my left wrist but I don’t know what of
  • I want to learn how to pole dance, it sounds crazy but the muscle isolation you need to be good at it is crazy, makes for a good workout.
  • I like jumping into everything head first, I’m an Aries, we’re fiery, I read this on aol horoscopes “Aries live life head first; after all, those horns on your head are not just for fighting. Your headstrong nature can make you a “battering ram” and woe is the person who stands in your way.” Yep, that’s about right. I can be kind of cut-throat, I like it, it’s fun. And I say yes to things without fully understanding what I’m getting myself into and so far living like that has made for great stories and crazy experiences so I think it’s the right way to do things, if you spend all your time weighing the pros and cons of a decision opportunities pass you by. If it weren’t for my head first nature I wouldn’t have lived in New York briefly, I wouldn’t have the friends I have today because I met them on a trip I didn’t really know much about but said yes to going anyway, I wouldn’t have been an athlete, and the list goes on and on.
  • Sometimes I don’t want to wait for Mr Right and instead, date Mr Right-now. My Mr Right must be bad at directions because it’s taking him forever to find me, this is a problem because I too, am bad at directions…

“SAINT”

  • I don’t think it’s appropriate to openly talk about your sex life as if it’s normal dinner talk. I think your sex life should be between you and the other person and maybe close friends and family. Unless there is a lesson you’re trying to communicate or unless the story is funny, keep your sex stories to yourself because I don’t want to hear it.
  • I don’t make out with strangers or random people, I’m in college, I can get mono.
  • If a relationship is serious, it should be monogamous. If someone is serious about you they’re not going to want to mess around with anyone else. End of story.
  • I’m a virgin and will not have sex until I am married. I think the best gift I can give my husband is him knowing he is my first and I think the action of saving yourself just represents marriage, you’re giving yourself completely to that person and on my wedding day I can honestly say that literally and figuratively. It’s the way God intended marriage to be and since 1 in 4 college kids have an STI and most don’t know it, I figure I’m not missing out on much.
  • I want to spend my life helping people. I am starting to look for more opportunities to volunteer and to help more people. Helping the least of these, that’s my goal in life.
  • I am “married to Christ” which basically means I look to Him to fill my voids because I know that I want more in life and I know that I cannot find what I want through people because people are sinful and imperfect. I give my heart to the only One who won’t break it. And though I may get married, I know God really holds my heart. And if I do get married my husband will never be my god because he is an imperfect sinner too and he will hurt me, but God knows His plans for me and He has my best interest, knowing that, I can be confident and love people and God wholeheartedly because I know that God is my true love and I won’t be afraid when relationships don’t work out because I don’t rely on relationships with people to make me fulfilled. Thinking about that makes me excited for marriage and new relationships because I’m no longer afraid of what will happen if things aren’t perfect and if things don’t work out. I am also confident that I would be a good wife because I am a bride of the perfect groom, I am a bride of Christ.

Dogs never bite me, just humans.

-Marilyn Monroe

 

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