Break the Mold

The video below talks about EXACTLY what I’ve been saying for the longest time! I see my friends stress over grades and keeping their 4.0 and for a while I bought into and felt like a failure if I didn’t get a good grade. I’d get mad at myself, my teachers, and friends who did better. And if I got one of the highest grades I would walk around like I was holier than thou. But our self worth is not dependent on what society has tried to make us believe.

My freshman year of college was hell. Literally just bad thing after bad thing: I went to a school in New York and quickly discovered I’m a small town girl and got into some drama which is rare because usually I stay out of it. I literally had a suite mater threaten to knock my out, I had suitemates who would literally go behind their friends and boyfriends’ backs and cheat with each others boyfriends or other guys on campus. Then when I finally transferred schools I got extremely sick. I was blacking out, could hardly walk, I felt like I was dying because I was like that for a couple months. Once I finally got better I had to have a bunch of meetings with teachers and administration about my grades which obviously weren’t good since I could hardly walk to the bathroom so of course I didn’t go to class! Then as I was walking back from a terrible meeting (I was told that I was being put on academic probation) I got a call from my mom telling me that my grandmother had just died. Wonderful. She was an amazing woman, she knew me better than I know myself and just like that she was gone and I wasn’t even with my family to grieve. So I obviously missed more school to be with my family and go to the funeral.

That summer was hell. I felt like my whole world was falling apart; my GPA had fallen tremendously, I was losing hair, one of the most important people in my life died, and despite my good health record I was still sick and in and out of the doctors office with scares of possibly needing a cat scan and a bunch of other tests. I think I prayed to God that He would spare me the bullshit and end my life a bunch of times. Everything, literally EVERYTHING that I had ever depended on to get me anywhere in life was taken from me all at once. In the blink of an eye, gone. Freshman year of college is supposed to be fun and you’re supposed to party and make friends, explore campus activities, etc. I think I went to one party. One. It was the worst year of my life and when summer hit I barely came out of my room because I didn’t want to live quite honestly. What pissed me off the most was the way the school treated me, all of these things happened in the span of a few months, keep in mind and they acted as if I still could have somehow came to all of my classes and done well on all tests. Are you fucking kidding me!? I seriously remember telling my biology teacher that I needed to go home for my grandmother’s funeral and that my health hadn’t been so well and she looked me in the eyes and pretty much told me my grade is my fault and I shouldn’t be missing so much class. Are you kidding me bitch? Luckily, I have wonderful parents who called a few of my teachers and chewed their asses out, it didn’t help my GPA but it did make me feel a little better that my parents had my back.

When my dad called to try and appeal my grade the administration said they only make exceptions for death to a member of the household. Really? So it wasn’t enough that I was bedridden for 2 months or that my high school GPA was good or that my first semester GPA at my other school was outstanding, no, you only make exceptions for household deaths. You have no idea how much I wanted to burn this school to the fucking ground.

But eventually I realized I’m still alive, I’m still me. Even though everything important to me had been taken away, I’m still here. That had to mean something. So I got out of my room and decided I’m not going to let a bunch of people who don’t know me or my story tell me who I am. My GPA does not define me, even though my body seemed to be giving up on me I didn’t let my health define me either. I decided to show the school that, no, I don’t have a 4.0 but that doesn’t mean anything. All a 4.0 means is that you’re really good at memorizing shit that doesn’t matter and kissing ass. I came back to campus and rubbed elbows with the president of the school, vice president, and other administrators not because of my GPA but because I was proactive and decided to do things my way. And do you know what they told me just based off one conversation? They told me how sharp I am and that they want me to stay at this school. They told me the world needs more people like me and that I’m a problem solver and a leader.

Take that Bio-bitch.

My point in all this ranting is that our society has become impersonal. Our educators care more about their damn tests than what’s happening in their students’ lives. Even though that was the worst year of my life I’m glad it all happened because if it hadn’t I wouldn’t have learned the lessons that God was trying to teach me:

-my favorite verse, Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” In a time where I wanted to die that was and actually still is extremity comforting. Amen to that.

-after my grandmother died I cam across this brass sailboat at the mall that had these words embroidered on it, “The Will of God will never lead you where the Grace of God cannot keep you.” It was like He was right next to me with His hand on my back saying, “I know the tides are rough right now and you feel scared and helpless but you will get through this.” So I obviously had to buy it.

-don’t let them tell me who I am. When someone tries to tell me who I am and where I’m going and what I need to do, I can now look them in the eyes, and say, “I don’t live to serve you, I’ll not only tell you who I am but I’ll show you and believe me, I know where I’m going.”

-I realized that the only one I should try to please is God because when the shit hits the fan and your friends and family don’t understand the pain you’re going through He’s the only One still there holding your hand saying, “we’ll get through this

There’s this video that someone put on facebook that just preaches everything I’ve been trying to teach people through my own experience. The gist of it is, hate school, love education and don’t let anyone else decide who you are and where you’re going. I highly recommend you watch and share.

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