Since this is a blog to express how I feel about love I guess I should be more vulnerable.
Last night I went to a party for the graduates, everyone could come as long as they were invited by a senior. So I went with some friends, it was on a boat and we went down the IL River for about 2 hours. I was excited to go because I had never been to senior boat before. Being on the boat reminded me of junior prom because we did the same thing only we were at Navy Pier. I quickly discovered, however that this was very, very different from a high school prom.
Drunks, vulgarity, and inappropriate sexual behavior everywhere. At first I didn’t know why there were chaperones because it’s college and most people there were 21+ but seeing how some people were acting I realized why. Then again, it’s not like the chaperones did anything so I still don’t know why they were there.
Anyway, this isn’t about that, this is about the way being there made me feel.
So, I guess I felt out of place, everywhere I looked there were couples and every insecurity I thought I had dealt with quickly came to surface. I started to feel ugly, lonely, like a loser. I went with friends and we’re all single but I just still didn’t feel like I should have been there. Everywhere I looked there was someone making out, someone sucking someone’s neck, a guy feeling a girl up. It was just a bunch of horny animals and I was disgusted but jealous at the same time. Being around all those couples made me so sad but,
It was my choice not to date for a year
It was my choice to not cave into sexual promiscuity.
I choose who I surround myself with.
I chose all the “right” things but being there just made me feel like I have been choosing the wrong things. I mean, when you see some of your Christian friends grinding on the dance floor it’s hard to tell the difference between them and everyone else. It was as if they were saying, “I have Christian morals, but only when it’s convenient.” It was like a lie. Some of my other friends talked about that too, it made us uncomfortable but you know what, to each their own, I don’t judge.
Being at senior boat made me realize I do want what those girls have though, I always have which is what made me sad-
I want a guy to look at me the way they were being looked at by their boyfriends and I don’t mean in a sexual way, what I mean is like this
They looked at their girlfriends like they were the most amazing girls in the world. I don’t know if that’s how they really felt or if it was just all the alcohol but regardless, I wanted it.
So I became jealous and started thinking ‘woe is me’ but then I realized I don’t want what they have. I think it’s sad when you can’t tell if a guy really feels like the girl he’s with is the most amazing girl in the world or if it’s just the alcohol.
I want more.
I was with a guy who looked at me that way but only when it was convenient. But he is the only guy who has ever looked at me that way so I thought it was real. I still have no idea if it was real on his part because he still claimed that he had real feelings for me after we broke up but I find that hard to believe given the way I was treated.
My question for you all is, how do you know when it’s real? A guy can fake that look, I saw it first hand multiple times last night, some of the times I saw it being enacted on some of my friends by guys who were players.
The harsh reality broke my spirit. That a guy can lie with his eyes too.
If he can lie with his eyes he can lie with anything.
I’m at a loss, but at least I learned something about myself:
- I want to be wanted, every woman does but, I don’t want to fool around with a loser who does nothing but lie and make me feel insignificant. I saw too many girls get hurt by that last night.
- I want a serious relationship because I do want to be a wife. Not anytime too soon but I could see myself engaged in a few years. I don’t want kids until I’m 30 though, I’m waaaay not ready for motherhood, nowhere near it. But some of my friends are which kind of just makes me feel weird lol
- I put myself through this because I know it will pay off. I let myself feel left out, I stay a virgin and I surround myself with people who do and want the same things even if we are the outsiders because I know that it will make me happier and healthier in the long run. I’ve seen family member after family member fall prey to drugs, alcohol, and a boy’s lies. Do you know what it got them? Jail, compromised health, dependency, and unplanned pregnancies. I grew up watching cousins, aunts and uncles who all had, potential throw their lives away over fleeting pleasure. I grew up knowing I didn’t want to be like them and have done everything in my power to run away from it.
I need to remind myself continuously that I’m doing these things for a reason and I need to stay out of situations that make me feel otherwise until I’m spiritually and mentally stronger. I won’t be going to senior boat next year and I am not going to anymore of these parties. I’m not a party girl in the first place so I have no idea what I was doing there anyway.