I don’t like to admit it but I have feelings. I usually mask them with sarcasm or distract myself from them by keeping myself busy. You can’t feel pain if you’re busy. I take on more volunteer work, event planning, resume building, studying saying I do all of these things to get me ahead and give me an edge when the reality is this, I can barely type it but…I love my ex. Still.
I shouldn’t, it makes no sense but something that I have learned studying psychology is that emotions are completely irrational, you can’t talk yourself out of being in love anymore than you can talk yourself out of being afraid.
I wish that I could turn off emotions like they do in Vampire Diaries but that doesn’t exist, anytime I try to do that I just end up turning into a bitch because when you do that you feel no sympathy and I have a history of being a painfully honest bitch. It has taken a lot of work on myself to soften the blow and watch the way I talk to people.
I think that’s why I hate emotions and why I wish I had never met him. Love has turned me into a softy and someone with compassion and wishful thinking whereas before I just said what I wanted and didn’t care who I hurt. And if I felt even an ounce of remorse I’d say, “well it was the truth” and shrug it off, they’ll get over it. And as far as wishful thinking went, there was no such thing, if I wanted something I’d do whatever it took to get it, within reason. I had an image of the mean princess. I’m serious, that’s what I was called and though I would never admit it, it bothered me. I wanted to be a person that people could come and talk to. Guess I should have been careful what I wished for.
I liked who I was and even though me being more of a compassionate person has made me more “human” and more popular with people I don’t like the new parts of me, I don’t like me anymore. Being in love and then being hurt has made me feel not just love and pain but all of these other emotions I have never felt before; I empathize, sympathize, I express sensitivity, who the hell am I? I cry during sad scenes now, cry whereas before I’d just get annoyed and roll my eyes. But, people do actually come to me for advice and to vent about their feelings now whereas when I was in high school people wouldn’t dare because they knew I didn’t give a damn. I remember once one of my friends was venting about how it made her feel that her boyfriend had cheated on her and I turned to her and said, “if you don’t stop your whining I’m going to slap you!” In my defense he had cheated on her twice before and I had already given her advice on what to do. Some people don’t want solutions they just want to complain and I had no time for that, she was ruining my good mood.
Anyway I think the worst feeling ever that I have been exposed to through this experience is weakness. Opening yourself up and allowing yourself to love makes you vulnerable. I don’t like to be vulnerable and quite frankly I think feelings are weakness. What other thing on this earth gives us an excuse to make rash decisions, what other thing inhibits our performance? Our emotions have more power over us than we think.
Even though everyone, including my family loves the new me I don’t. I like the fact that people trust me enough to tell me their secrets and ask for advice because now I actually have real friends instead of fake ones who would try and back-stab and manipulate to get what I have or bring me down. I have friends not friendly competition and I am so grateful because I have people I can trust. But, all of these emotions and allowing myself to feel them has seriously been driving me up a wall. I’ve never experienced this before so I don’t know how to handle it other than to distract myself with projects.
I love him. My dad says we choose who we love but I think he’s wrong because if I could choose I wouldn’t love him. In fact I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t love because while it has changed me for the good of everyone else I hate these new part of me. I have always thought that feelings were a waste of time and emotions were a sign of weakness. The only things I ever felt were happiness, anger, numbness, and ambitious. Happiness with the way my life was, anger at people who got in the way of what I wanted, numbness to every situation imaginable, and ambitious in everything that I found important. I have only ever felt selfish feelings. Being in love changed that because it’s the exact opposite of being selfish and even though I love him I also hate him for making me feel that way because emotions are distracting, they inhibit success. Do you think CEOs let their feelings get in the way of making cutthroat decisions? Hell no, at least when it comes to business I haven’t lost the old me. But when it comes to everything else in life the person I was would look at me right now, roll her eyes and stare with that judgmental smirk because she would think I am just another girl who got distracted by a boy and let him get in her head. People are afraid of boys being with their little girls because of sex, but it’s not the sex they should be afraid of.
I was a mean girl but you know what, I had everything I wanted and I felt good about my choices, I was going places. I was cutthroat and ambitious. Basically, I was Blair only less evil lol. A picture speaks a thousand and this one pretty much sums up who I was:
I’m still ambitious only now, because I’ve been in love and been hurt, I get distracted by the way other people feel and by the way I feel. I don’t want to hurt anyone. To go back to who I was would probably ruin all of the relationships I have now, just a few weeks ago someone told me that they were having a conversation about who the nicest people on campus are, I am one of them.
The nice girl finishes last and being nice; letting other people get ahead and having a conscience is seriously killing my drive for success. I’m not cutthroat anymore and I look for outlets to express my competitive edge in a healthy way because apparently life isn’t a competition. I like that everyone loves who I am but, I hate that I love who I was. He changed me.
I love him but I hate him for that. I guess it’s true what they say, there really is a fine line between love and hate.
And as far as being successful goes I guess I just have to remind myself of this: