He loves me, He loves me not…

I’ve reached a point of uncertainty. I am starting to feel that God doesn’t have my best interest in mind. Now I know that being a Christian isn’t about having an easy life in fact it’s the opposite. But I have just never had a moment in life where I was like wow, that was God. I know that He is real because since I’ve started putting faith in Him instead of myself I feel 1,000 lbs lighter but lately I’m starting to think of my future and my plans and I can’t breathe. Like literally it’s like the air just gets thicker and I get hot and short of breathe. I think that’s the sign of an oncoming panic attack.

The older you get the harder the choices become. When I was younger it was easier to plan everything because the tunnel was narrow. In 8th grade I knew what high school I was going to because that was decided for me all I could do was choose classes but most of those were decided for me as well, same with high school all I chose were a few electives and my college and now, in college I still have my classes chosen for me by requirements under my field of study. So after college they just feed us to the sharks and say, “well I know up until now society has made all important decisions in your life for you so I know you have about zero experience in making big decisions but you have a degree now so I’m sure you can figure it out.” It’s crazy, it’s no wonder why I hyperventilate at the very mention of graduation.

Anyway, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing after college. I know what I want for my life but I have no idea how to get there and with a million people in my ear about different opportunities it doesn’t make it any easier. It’s like people think that you don’t have a plan because you don’t have options when on the contra it is because we have sooo many we get overwhelmed and start hyperventilating well, at least I do. They weren’t kidding when they told us the world is our oyster. Here are my options so far:

  • I can go to grad school and work as a Naval officer until I get my PhD and become a Psychiatrist for the Navy
  • I can try and get a job at a non-profit as head of development
  • Work for the local government apparently they’ll hire me when I graduate
  • Work for the local healthcare department they too will take me with a Bachelor’s
  • Go to the Navy as a Naval Officer and enter into their Physician Assistant program
  • Go to the Air Force and do the same thing as the Navy basically
  • Go to grad school and take out loans to study Industrial and Organizational Psychology
  • Or of course I can marry rich and do what I want without worrying about living on the street

I think I’ll be fine no matter what but I spaz out when I think about the future because I’m scared. When I graduate everything changes, I won’t live near my friends and I’ll be responsible for my own life. College is like a crutch I think most of us use it to buy us more time while we think about how we’re going to survive in the real world. I’m not going to be able to just run down the hall to my friends when there’s a problem, I can’t just walk up the stairs to help a friend pick out a dress for a date, dates won’t be just hanging out in a dorm room and playing video games and watching movies, society doesn’t accept sweat pants and ripped jeans as proper attire although neither do I but still I like having the option.

My friends are going to change, I’ll have a new circle, new boys, and quite frankly thinking about having a career job sounds dreadfully boring. I don’t want to go to work everyday and do the same old routine at least in college life there’s always something new. I don’t want to live for a 5 minute break by the water cooler complaining about life or talking about the weekend. Screw that. I don’t feel like God has my best interest anymore because the more I trust Him the more it seems He is leading me to a life I will loath.

I think that’s why I’m thinking about the Navy, it’s different and a new challenge for me to take on a conquer. I already have a 5 month workout plan in place and I’ve already come to terms with cutting my hair for bootcamp.  And I’m starting to say my goodbyes to my nail polish. Mind you, I won’t be joining the Navy for another year and a half, at least. But that’s who I am I get an idea, I make a plan and I dive into it. I do it to distract myself from self-doubt because I’m never 100% sure about anything.

One thing I am sure of is I’m an active person and I want a job that makes a difference, a job where I am in constant contact with people and helping others but, I don’t want to be poor either. It seems we have a choice: we can be selfish and thrive or we can be selfless and struggle in life. I’ve been watching my parents and while they’re happy, some days it seems like they’re slaves to money. I don’t want that for myself, I don’t want to have to worry about how I’m going to pay for something when a new opportunity or problem arises.

I am terrified of the future and it’s easy to say woe is me and blame God for circumstances and while I wouldn’t necessarily be wrong to do so it wouldn’t accomplish anything. I have to believe that everything happens for a reason and I have to believe that He loves me and He has a working plan because if I don’t what do I have left? Hope and faith are what keep me going and if I have to blindly follow this path then I should go full force and not half ass it. I have to burn all my bridges and jump so from now on I’m not going to tell anyone my plans for the future. If people ask I’ll just tell them my future is better than I can imagine because it is not my own plans I’m following. I’ll know my future when it’s my present. Right now I just need to focus on graduating and not freaking out because all of this hyperventilation is not good for my health.

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