Lately, I’ve been asking myself questions about my last relationship, “what made me fall in love with him in the first place?” How did I get from half heartedly saying yes to his proposal to be his gf saying to … Continue reading
I haven’t blogged here lately but I don’t really have much new to say so I’m just going to keep typing and see what comes out. I’m 8 months in so I’ve gotten to the point where I sometimes forget … Continue reading
In my previous post I said culture, knowledge and travel are more important to me than the possibility of love and a family and I stand by that. There are some people who think that’s sad and don’t understand why I’m not sure I want a family or a traditional one if I do have one. So let me explain.
I basically grew up being afraid of my dad and never wanting to disappoint him. I know there is some controversy on how to discipline a child, I think discipline should be tailored to each child’s personality and that the child should understand what they did wrong and that this disciplinary action isn’t a reflection of how their parents feel toward the child. When I was growing up I didn’t get that, I did get whipped with belts and while that’s not really abuse it did effect the way I felt toward my parents. I grew up feeling like I wasn’t loved basically, I would go to school, get picked on all day, and come home feeling no more sense of belonging than I did when I was at school. I remember getting notes in my lunches that said, “mommy and daddy love you very much” but I remember wrinkling the notes, rolling my eyes and throwing them away. I felt that actions speak louder than words. I’m not saying don’t use belts because like I said every child is different but for me I was terrified because I never got a chance to explain myself when I did something wrong. I was scared of my dad and I hated my mom because I felt she should have stepped in.
Luckily, my parents didn’t have the same discipline styles for my brothers. They just get grounded and get things taken away from them. It makes me happy but it also makes me really angry; happy because my parents have grown as parents and realize how to properly discipline each kid and to know that my brothers won’t grow up afraid, especially the youngest one. But angry because I don’t understand why I had to be the guinea pig. Now I’ve got all this emotional baggage and it could have been avoided if my parents had dealt with their anger issues and taken into consideration different parenting styles and doing more research before I was born. It’s not my fault but now I have to deal with it.
Anyway my mom thinks the way I live and want to live is a bad idea, she wants me to get married, have my own kids and blah blah blah. I have never said I love you to anyone in my family so how am I supposed to find it in my heart to love a stranger and make new strangers with that stranger and love them too?
I know that my parents try their best to give me and my brothers everything we want and I try and focus on that but a part of me can’t let go of that little girl bent over the bed being smacked with a belt, looking at her mother who is just watching and doing nothing and every time they piss me off it all comes back and all I want to do is punch something. I don’t get sad, I get angry and pissed off every time I think about. And I know I’m a psych major and I know I should handle it by making amends or peace but I don’t really want to. I know they didn’t mean it and I know they didn’t know any better but idgaf.
Forward this video to 20 mins
Is there any question now why I’m not sure a family is something I want? I’m not gracious and frankly, I’m not ready to be gracious. I think that for right now the only way I want to deal with all the negative crap is to never mention it and joke around with my family because that emotional stuff isn’t me.
I remember getting so p/o-ed at church because people would stand there and tell me what a righteous father my dad is and what an amazing woman of God my mother is. All I wanted to do was punch them, who were they to tell me who my parents were, like seriously? Little did they know they were arguing and cursing at each other all the way to church. Then I would be forced to smile and talk to people like the last 20 mins didn’t happen. I hated that, I was not emotional the only deep emotion I felt was anger. We put a lot of emphasis on family when all it is really is a bunch of strangers who share the same DNA and thus are forced to be part of each other’s lives by fate.
Things are much, much better now hence why my parents just celebrated their 26th wedding anniversary, thank God. And I think I love my parents but I could never say that because I’m not 100% sure it’d be true. They’re not terrible parents at all though and I greatly appreciate all of the sacrifices they make for me to have a future for sure, I’m not a monster, but emotions have never been part of my family lifestyle. In fact if I cry I’m called irrational so saying I love you would be just words since love is an emotion and my family is emotionally numb.
So, I don’t want to get married and end up having a terrible marriage because I won’t allow myself to open up and be serious. Idk maybe one day when I’m 30 I’ll decide it’s time to address the issues or maybe I’ll realize it’s not important and it was all a distant nightmare. All I know is right now I don’t want to talk to them about it because I know they think they’re great and everything is great. My dad is emotionally unavailable most of the time, my mom is emotionally unavailable most of the time and guess what, I’m emotionally unavailable 99% of the time which means if I had kids they’d basically be robots too. No thank you.
See? Psychologists are not perfect, we’re all a little messed up.
I’m 8 months into the no dating for a year project! Here are this month’s thoughts:
I’m realizing a traditional lifestyle isn’t for me. I like to travel and jump into new things, I don’t like to stay in one place for too long so I realize I don’t want to be in a serious relationship until I’m 30, MAYBE. I’ll date for fun but that’s about it because I’m not one to be tied down and I don’t want to set aside my aspirations for a guy like a lot of girls do. If a guy claims he loves me he can either come with me on my crazy adventures or step aside. In other words, my momma won’t be getting any grand-kids anytime soon lol.
If I could find a guy that’s as much of a drifter as I am then maybe I’ll consider being exclusive with him but I doubt I’ll find that just because the way I want to live my life is so far from the way the average person lives theirs, here’s how:
- I think instead of having kids I want to be a foster mother and then adopt because there are so many children who need parents and I can’t think of one unselfish reason not to adopt. I could care less if a baby looks like me or has my DNA. But this won’t be until waaay later in life.
- I am a drifter. I want to live in California for the same amount of time I lived in New York so that will be like 4 months unless I like it then I might stay longer. I want to live in Florida for a while too then I’ll go to France and Italy, do some charity in North Korea and Greece, go to Thailand, Japan, China, and who knows where else
- I want to date casually. A lot of people my age are starting to get more serious about dating and they want to get married soon and I’m not about that life right now. I don’t want to be exclusive, I don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend.
- I have a lot of interests and I explore them all which makes me a little less sure about things. Can you imagine me getting married right now, “do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?” “umm, I’m not sure, can I sleep on it?”
I’ve got a bright future and I know I’m going to do great things. If a guy does decide he wants to seriously date me he has to know never to make me choose between him and my aspirations because he’s not going to like the answer. I have an extreme thirst for knowledge, culture and travel and I’m at my prime right now so I’m parched. To me those things are more important than the possibility of love and a family.
I’ve got all my life to settle down but right now I’m 21, I drink beer and yes from a bottle, I’m not going to waste a glass, I’m a thrill seeker, I wear little to no clothing whenever possible, I wear bold things, like motorcycles and fast cars, and a bad boy gets my blood pumping. I’m 21 not 41 and people need to back off and understand that because unlike the store suggests 21 is not forever so I’m going to milk it while I can.