What Made Me Fall

Lately, I’ve been asking myself questions about my last relationship, “what made me fall in love with him in the first place?” How did I get from half heartedly saying yes to his proposal to be his gf saying to myself, ‘it’s just for fun’ to getting to a place where I put him before myself?

We weren’t together long and soon after we made it “official” all we did was argue. I would get mad then he would ignore me for days and then we’d talk again never resolving the problem. It wasn’t like it was an amazing relationship. Plus, we started dating while he was in bootcamp for the marines, stupid idea. It wasn’t like we had a lot of history as friends beforehand.

I think what made me fall in love was:

  • the way he looked at me-he looked me in the eyes as if I was some divine creature he had never seen before. He would stare at me for a really long time and it always made me uncomfortable so I’d tell him to stop but he wouldn’t
  • his vulnerability in the beginning– he was the one chasing after me then once he had me he was completely transparent. I even asked him things about his past that people might cover up but he was honest
  • his tags– he told me that when he came back home he had a surprise. I don’t like surprises at all, when I was little every Christmas I would open all of my presents when no one was around just to make sure I got what I asked for. Then I would wrap them back up the exact same way. So I kept asking and hassling him about it until he finally said, “you’re not going to leave it alone are you?” I said “nope” (Seriously, I’m like the blonde bride from bride wars.) So he told me he wanted to give me his tags. When I asked why he said “it  just symbolizes that the girl with my tags has my heart.” I know what they really mean, of course but I about melted.    186
  • the way he made me feel– he told me I am unlike any girl he has ever known and when we broke it off he told me that I deserve a better man, he said that he hopes that’s him one day and he was going to work to deserve me
  • his big heart– he had this bad ass exterior but he was really just sweet. He genuinely wants to help people and be a better man than he has been.

Those are the things that stand out in my memory. There are reasons I started to like him- he’s funny, smart, witty, and cute but this post isn’t about reasons I started to like him, those things didn’t make me fall in love those things made me fall in like. Smart, funny cute guys are a dime a dozen, I’d be falling in love all the time lol.

When I remember what made me fall in love I want to go back in time and relive it. I want to try to patch things up, I start blaming myself for the fall out thinking maybe if I had been less available or more available… But then I snap myself out of it and try and remember why I was hurt.

  • sex-he didn’t want to be in a sexless relationship even though he knew going in that I wasn’t going to have sex with him. I said that before we were serious even.
  • he couldn’t stay faithful on deployment- I would like to think this was just about sex but I don’t know since he would never talk about why he couldn’t stay faithful. This hurt me because it’s like he was saying he liked me but not as much as the possibility of random sex. I had no problem being faithful because I didn’t want anyone else, physically or otherwise.
  • emotional distance-of course I don’t want a man who is going to cry about his feelings or whatever but there needs to be a healthy medium otherwise I’m just going to assume he has no feelings for me. Which, honestly if that’s the truth I would rather hear it than not be sure.
  • doubt- this was on both of us. Throughout our relationship at least one of us was doubting that we should be together whether it was because of the distance, our morals, our goals or whatever there was always doubt.
  • communication-kind of like emotional distance. Sometimes I felt like the only reason he wanted to be with me was because of my body. And he would never tell me what was bothering him about family/friend stuff. If I’m his girl isn’t it kind of my job to listen to his problems?
  • competition-I always kind of felt like I had to compete for his attention against other girls, his friends, and family. When he’s home he shouldn’t have to divide time between me and his family and friends. I’m the kind of girl who if I’m dating someone I want to be part of that circle. I want to meet his family and friends otherwise I just feel like a shameful secret he’s keeping.

I think he’s always going to be a part of me. And I don’t know if we’ll ever be together again. Some people are seasons but part of me hopes that’s not true about him. A part of me really hopes he was telling the truth when he said he never lied to me and that he was telling the truth about wanting to be the man I deserve because I honestly don’t want love unless it’s with him.

He wanted me to move on and so I have been. I’m not dating anyone because I’m still not dating for a year and because I have no interest in a relationship. But I am having flirtatious fun with some guys this summer. I try not to lead guys on because that’s mean but I honestly don’t care anymore. My nature is to be a bitch so, let the games begin.

Time changes people not because of time itself but because of the experiences time brings. I’ve experienced love and the loss of it. And it has changed me

-I don’t want a family. My parents say I’ll change my mind but I doubt it highly. I want to be in Forbes 30 under 30, I want to live a fast paced, cutthroat lifestyle, I want to be able to get what I want when I want it without having to worry about little Timmy’s baseball finances. Kids ruin your body, take your money and give you an attitude while doing it. Excuse me but no thanks. I think my parents just say that because normal people feel accomplished when they raise upstanding children but my business is my baby and I will feel accomplished once I’ve raised a fortune 500 company (not by the time I’m 30 of course, that would be wildly unrealistic). You can’t serve both God and money but I hope to reflect God in my business. I hope that people can see that you can be a Christian in today’s corporate world; it’s next to impossible but I’ve always liked a challenge.

-I don’t want to be in a serious relationship ever again

-I will use my competitive edge and ambitions to work in the corporate world in the fashion industry-probably the most cutthroat of them all, right up my alley

-I will be on my death bed not surrounded by my children and grandchildren but by the memories of my success. I think that’s all I need.

-I believe that love, like every emotion, is a distraction. I don’t want to ever feel it again.

 

Who knows, maybe I’ll change again and everyone better hope so…The bitch is back.

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