So something weird has happened…I actually pray for him now.
It’s so strange I hadn’t realized it before but I’ve never prayed a selfless prayer for him before.
I’ve prayed for me to stop loving him, I’ve prayed for clarity and guidance, I’ve prayed for God to make me the girl I was before him, I’ve prayed to forget, to be cold, to be heartless, I’ve even prayed for him to fall harder for me.
I realize all of these prayers were silly, I even knew that at the time I was praying them because contrary to popular belief, God is not a wizard or a genie. The outcomes in life happen because of our own or someone else’s decisions. But still I prayed to rewind time and maybe I would have chosen to sit the charity ball out and just watch a movie instead and go on with my night, never having met him.
In acts of desperation we wish and pray for silly things, things that we know will never happen but still we pray and hope.
What I’ve just realized though is since I’ve stopped talking to him I’m actually praying for him. All prayers that were about him before were really about me and how I felt but I’ve found myself praying that he’s okay, healthy, and most important of all, I pray that he’s happy.
I was thinking about why I don’t talk to him anymore and I couldn’t figure it out. The reason I had stopped was because I was hurt and I felt I had said all I needed to say and I thought I would gradually just fall out of love. But some reflection revealed that everything is the same; I still think of him everyday, I still worry, I still care and I still love him. The only difference is now my love is selfless. I don’t pray for…well who am I kidding I still pray for myself, but now I pray for his well being even more than I pray for my own.
I guess sometimes we just have to step out of a scene to get the picture.
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love