I think this kind of thing is a mind thing just as much as it is physical. It is our thoughts that our actions mimick. And my thoughts were anything but innocent.
And so I did something I really regret. I gave a guy (not the nice guy, he would never ask) an inappropriate picture. Oops.
It didn’t have my face in it, so at least there’s that. I don’t know what made me do it, I had repeatedly said no before, maybe I was just tired of being nagged about it. Maybe it was low self esteem, maybe it was that I enjoyed being wanted- idk. But I did it and immediately after I felt awful. I shouldn’t have done it. I’m not as much afraid of what my happen to the picture as I am ashamed and embarrassed.
I imagine this is how I would feel if I had given up my virginity to some random guy, which is ironic because this is exactly what I was trying to avoid feeling.
It’s not about my virginity it’s about my dignity and self respect which I sadly lost a little of when I sent that picture. Words cannot express what I feel, I cried myself to sleep that night. I know that people feel this way for a lot more but the shame and embarrassment are similar.
I’m ashamed because I’m smarter than this. I knew better. This just makes me realize I need a better understanding of what’s right and wrong.
Eventually the shame and embarrassment will subside and this will just be a lesson to teach my daughter.
But until then I feel awful.
God has forgiven me, I know that. But I don’t forgive myself.
I knew better.
I feel sick.