My First Kiss

I was thinking and I never told you guys about my first kiss. This is a blog about all things love so it’s only fitting I tell you about it.

You know how there’s that look and then he grabs you by the waist gently and looks you deep into your eyes and you start to tremble and get those butterflies and then his lips barely touch yours and you feel like you’re floating and you close your eyes and time stops. Then you open them and you feel like you’re dreaming?

Yeah, wasn’t like that for me at all. This glorified first kiss thing has got to stop. Stop it Hollywood, you’re getting our hopes up! Now, I’m not saying that they’re all not like that but I haven’t heard any real life stories that were like that.

Unlike most girls my first kiss was fairly recent. I wasn’t allowed to date in high school and since I was terrified of disobeying my dad I didn’t date. So I had a lot of catching up to do when college rolled around.

I met this guy at a charity ball, he was going away to boot camp for the Marine Corps after the weekend. I was immediately attracted to him when he entered the room, our eyes locked and my goodness I got butterflies. Sounds like a movie doesn’t it? But unlike the Hollywood tales we did not have an “adult sleepover” and although I was invited to an “after party” of his I didn’t go.

He was charming, he made me laugh and he was sweet to me and he wouldn’t take his eyes off of me the whole night. I hate being stared at but when it’s a cute guy it makes you feel special. We danced and he stared into my eyes and had his hands in respectable places. So far it sounds so cliche I’m starting to wonder if it really happened or if it was just from a movie I watched.

Anyway, he actually brought alcohol in a flask because he was told there would just be punch at the party. I thought it was funny and I was immediately drawn to him. My friends saw what was happening and warned me about his bad boy rep.

Tisk, tisk didn’t they know good girls love bad boys.

I was even more attracted to him after I found out about his past. And, I mean how bad could he be he was at a charity ball for crying out loud. I confronted him about it and he said it was all true, the sex, drugs, money and moving out of his parents’ house and being on his own since 16 but, he said he wanted to be a “better man.” Now I don’t know what it is ladies but when we hear that something in us goes ‘AWWW.’

Even though I was clearly into the guy I thought it was a chance encounter and snuck away from the party and went home. He was getting increasingly drunk and when guys get drunk they get clingy, not my thing. But I was still kind of into him but I knew he was leaving for bootcamp so I thought nothing of it but a great night with a fun guy.

A few months later we reconnected and long story short he asked me out, I said sure why not because it was summer and I was bored. But since he’s in the Marines we hardly ever saw each other so we didn’t actually have our first kiss until months after we started dating.

He came to visit because he was home for a few days before he had to go again. I saw him walking toward me and I got butterflies, just like the movies. I hugged him and feeling his arms around me was the best feeling ever, just like the movies. But we didn’t kiss. Not yet. He came into the room and we watched a movie and he laid on the bed and asked me if I was cold. I of course said no because I wasn’t but my friend was there and she was like that means he wants to cuddle and he said, “yeah, that’s where I was going with that.” I was slightly embarrassed by my inexperience with this type of stuff. I mean, he should have just said he wanted to cuddle. “Say what you mean, dammit,” that’s my motto.

Anyway, we cuddled and it was nice but then I started to get uncomfortable as he started to kiss my neck and blow in my ear. I started to think, “is he seriously trying to get frisky? Now? But, he was away in the corps for months I guess I should let him have some fun…” He started groping me and touching me and the next thing I knew he was on top of me. Still can’t figure out how that happened. He kissed me and…it was terrible. I’m sure he’s a good kisser what with all of his experience but I didn’t enjoy it. His tongue was in my mouth, he smelled like cigarettes and my eyes were open the entire time. Well, I closed them but closing them didn’t feel right so I opened them again. It was like there was a flopping fish in my mouth that tasted like an ashtray.

It wasn’t only the kiss that made my first kiss terrible I think it was the timing too. It’s hard to start off a relationship with a guy who’s in the military we never saw each other in fact, that kiss was only our second encounter. I felt like I needed to spend time with him more, go on a few dates at least before I let him grope me. And that was another thing, the groping, he knew I was saving myself for marriage but he had never been with a girl like me so going slow wasn’t something he grasped very well. I always thought the first kiss would be sweet, timid, gentle but instead it was wet, aggressive, passionate. Passion before you’re ready for it is not a good thing. I was expecting him to ease into it but there he was on top of me full throttle.

Later we had more problems, even though he said he wanted to be a better man and not have sex again until it was with a girl that matters. I really wanted to believe him but eventually I was forced to confront the truth when he said what I’d wished he would have just told me from the very beginning, “I don’t think I can be in a sexless relationship. And I know I can’t be faithful when I’m away.” What a waste of time.

Now I understand how hard it must be for a guy with a bad boy rep to try and be with a girl with a good girl rep. But, I did ask him if he thought he could handle dating a girl like me whose saving it for the white dress and he said yeah because he liked me not just my body. Ladies, they all say that. I’ve dated 4 or 5 guys and every single one has said the exact same thing but when it comes down to it, if you have to ask you already know the real answer… you’re just hoping he doesn’t say it. The real answer is he wants to say yes and mean it and maybe he does for a little while, but common sense tells you that a bad boy isn’t going to just give up his bad boy ways on a whim. It’ll take time and personal growth and restructuring and unfortunately, that doesn’t involve us.

You want to date a guy with a bad boy rep but you’re afraid it won’t work out?

Solution: Don’t date him. See how serious he is about being a better man on his own because if he doesn’t want to change for himself he’s not going to change for you. Lesson learned.

How Do You Know When it’s Real?

Since this is a blog to express how I feel about love I guess I should be more vulnerable.

Last night I went to a party for the graduates, everyone could come as long as they were invited by a senior. So I went with some friends, it was on a boat and we went down the IL River for about 2 hours. I was excited to go because I had never been to senior boat before. Being on the boat reminded me of junior prom because we did the same thing only we were at Navy Pier. I quickly discovered, however that this was very, very different from a high school prom.

Drunks, vulgarity, and inappropriate sexual behavior everywhere. At first I didn’t know why there were chaperones because it’s college and most people there were 21+ but seeing how some people were acting I realized why. Then again, it’s not like the chaperones did anything so I still don’t know why they were there.

Anyway, this isn’t about that, this is about the way being there made me feel.

So, I guess I felt out of place, everywhere I looked there were couples and every insecurity I thought I had dealt with quickly came to surface. I started to feel ugly, lonely, like a loser. I went with friends and we’re all single but I just still didn’t feel like I should have been there. Everywhere I looked there was someone making out, someone sucking someone’s neck, a guy feeling a girl up. It was just a bunch of horny animals and I was disgusted but jealous at the same time. Being around all those couples made me so sad but,

It was my choice not to date for a year

It was my choice to not cave into sexual promiscuity.

I choose who I surround myself with.

I chose all the “right” things but being there just made me feel like I have been choosing the wrong things. I mean, when you see some of your Christian friends grinding on the dance floor it’s hard to tell the difference between them and everyone else. It was as if they were saying, “I have Christian morals, but only when it’s convenient.” It was like a lie. Some of my other friends talked about that too, it made us uncomfortable but you know what, to each their own, I don’t judge.

Being at senior boat made me realize I do want what those girls have though, I always have which is what made me sad-

I want a guy to look at me the way they were being looked at by their boyfriends and I don’t mean in a sexual way, what I mean is like this

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They looked at their girlfriends like they were the most amazing girls in the world. I don’t know if that’s how they really felt or if it was just all the alcohol but regardless, I wanted it.

So I became jealous and started thinking ‘woe is me’ but then I realized I don’t want what they have. I think it’s sad when you can’t tell if a guy really feels like the girl he’s with is the most amazing girl in the world or if it’s just the alcohol.

I want more.

I was with a guy who looked at me that way but only when it was convenient. But he is the only guy who has ever looked at me that way so I thought it was real. I still have no idea if it was real on his part because he still claimed that he had real feelings for me after we broke up but I find that hard to believe given the way I was treated.

My question for you all is, how do you know when it’s real? A guy can fake that look, I saw it first hand multiple times last night, some of the times I saw it being enacted on some of my friends by guys who were players.

The harsh reality broke my spirit. That a guy can lie with his eyes too.

If he can lie with his eyes he can lie with anything.

I’m at a loss, but at least I learned something about myself:

  • I want to be wanted, every woman does but, I don’t want to fool around with a loser who does nothing but lie and make me feel insignificant. I saw too many girls get hurt by that last night.
  • I want a serious relationship because I do want to be a wife. Not anytime too soon but I could see myself engaged in a few years. I don’t want kids until I’m 30 though, I’m waaaay not ready for motherhood, nowhere near it. But some of my friends are which kind of just makes me feel weird lol
  • I put myself through this because I know it will pay off. I let myself feel left out, I stay a virgin and I surround myself with people who do and want the same things even if we are the outsiders because I know that it will make me happier and healthier in the long run. I’ve seen family member after family member fall prey to drugs, alcohol, and a boy’s lies. Do you know what it got them? Jail, compromised health, dependency, and unplanned pregnancies. I grew up watching cousins, aunts and uncles who all had, potential throw their lives away over fleeting pleasure. I grew up knowing I didn’t want to be like them and have done everything in my power to run away from it.

What’s next:

I need to remind myself continuously that I’m doing these things for a reason and I need to stay out of situations that make me feel otherwise until I’m spiritually and mentally stronger. I won’t be going to senior boat next year and I am not going to anymore of these parties. I’m not a party girl in the first place so I have no idea what I was doing there anyway.

My “Wicked”

I had a realization. I think another reason that I sought or seek love from men is because I subconsciously was trying to be like “that girl”: I have never been and will never be the girl who turns heads when she walks into a room, I don’t come out of relationships with guys lining up to date me, I’m not gorgeous, I’m not hot, I am not an extrovert, and, I don’t understand things like, when a guy asks you if you’re cold he really means he wants you to lay down next to him. Instead, I say things like, “no, I’m actually not cold, which is really weird cause I usually am,” and continue to watch the movie. Guys have to say what they mean to me because I don’t speak this secret language that everyone else just seems to get! Once, a guy asked me if I was talking to anyone and I said, “ummm I’m talking to you right now and I was texting my friend like a minute ago…”

Maybe there’s a guy out there who will appreciate that. Maybe there’s a guy who can appreciate that I’d get nervous even if he looks at me, or that I would much rather stay in on Friday nights and watch movies on Netflix than party, that I go out of my way to try new things, that I’m really weird and make random noises when it’s too quiet, or that I’m a total nerd who gets excited about things like volunteering or looking at microorganisms or dissecting things, or that I stare at bugs sometimes because I think they’re cool. And maybe there’s someone who can accept my worst qualities too, like how I can be a bit obnoxious, or how, if I disagree with someone I’m not shy to voice my opinion and stand my ground-I can be stubborn, or how being around new people makes me nervous, or that I put off the first kiss for as long as I can because even thinking about kissing makes me nervous.

Maybe there’s no one for me at all and I just have to figure out a way to make that alright in my head. I have plenty of distractions; I have school, Cru, SAGE (student alliance for a greener environment,) I am a volunteer coach for a cheer team for children with special needs, I am a court appointed special advocate-in training, I might get a job at the YMCA (I was told by a man that works there that I should look into it because of my diverse background in sports), I’m working on internship applications, and yet, nothing can distract me from this feeling that I have, this feeling that companionship is not part of God’s plan for me. I hope that I’m wrong, feelings can be misleading, but, I just can’t shake it. People tell me that I’m going to make a great wife one day or a great mother one day and I totally agree but, I have a feeling I’m not going to get that. It’s not necessarily a bad or sad thing, it’s just a little sad for me right now because I am family oriented and I’ve always known that’s what I want. This could totally be an Abraham thing where God takes away my dreams temporarily to test me, but I don’t know, I just have a feeling…

I think the way I deal with this is not by ignoring it or by distracting myself, but, by taking a head on approach. I’ve just got to sit down and tell myself, “look, you’re not ‘that girl,’ you’ve always wanted to be, but you’re not. You’re Elphaba and whether there’s a Fiyero or not, you’ve just got to accept it. Accept it.” I think I can do that. After all, Elphaba is my favorite character in my favorite musical, but even Elphie gets her Fiyero…

Hmm, maybe I need a new favorite character in a new favorite musical…