8 Months! IDK About You But I’m Feeling…21

I’m 8 months into the no dating for a year project! Here are this month’s thoughts:

I’m realizing a traditional lifestyle isn’t for me. I like to travel and jump into new things, I don’t like to stay in one place for too long so I realize I don’t want to be in a serious relationship until I’m 30, MAYBE. I’ll date for fun but that’s about it because I’m not one to be tied down and I don’t want to set aside my aspirations for a guy like a lot of girls do. If a guy claims he loves me he can either come with me on my crazy adventures or step aside. In other words, my momma won’t be getting any grand-kids anytime soon lol.

If I could find a guy that’s as much of a drifter as I am then maybe I’ll consider being exclusive with him but I doubt I’ll find that just because the way I want to live my life is so far from the way the average person lives theirs, here’s how:

  • I think instead of having kids I want to be a foster mother and then adopt because there are so many children who need parents and I can’t think of one unselfish reason not to adopt. I could care less if a baby looks like me or has my DNA. But this won’t be until waaay later in life.
  • I am a drifter. I want to live in California for the same amount of time I lived in New York so that will be like 4 months unless I like it then I might stay longer. I want to live in Florida for a while too then I’ll go to France and Italy, do some charity in North Korea and Greece, go to Thailand, Japan, China, and who knows where else
  • I want to date casually. A lot of people my age are starting to get more serious about dating and they want to get married soon and I’m not about that life right now. I don’t want to be exclusive, I don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend.
  • I have a lot of interests and I explore them all which makes me a little less sure about things. Can you imagine me getting married right now, “do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?” “umm, I’m not sure, can I sleep on it?”

I’ve got a bright future and I know I’m going to do great things. If a guy does decide he wants to seriously date me he has to know never to make me choose between him and my aspirations because he’s not going to like the answer. I have an extreme thirst for knowledge, culture and travel and I’m at my prime right now so I’m parched. To me those things are more important than the possibility of love and a family.

I’ve got all my life to settle down but right now I’m 21, I drink beer and yes from a bottle, I’m not going to waste a glass, I’m a thrill seeker, I wear little to no clothing whenever possible, I wear bold things, like motorcycles and fast cars, and a bad boy gets my blood pumping. I’m 21 not 41 and people need to back off and understand that because unlike the store suggests 21 is not forever so I’m going to milk it while I can.

 

The Miserable Ones Have Dreams Too

In my attempt to get control of my life I tried to think about what I really want to do with my life. I know I’ve said I want to travel and help people, but that’s really vague. I thought about it, and I don’t want to go through 3 more years of school, I’m a junior, I’ve been in school all my life, I’m ready to graduate and move on. This week I’ve actually finally felt like getting out of bed in the morning again because I have hope now and a clearer vision of what will make me happy and most importantly, what will make God happy. I talked to some administrators and they told me that I could change my major to psychology and graduate in 3 semesters, I talked to my mom and she said I could graduate with a bachelors in nursing in 18 months, I talked to my dad and he thinks I should’ve gone to culinary school, I talked to my grandma and she thinks I should’ve been an English major.

So finally, I talked to myself. Silence.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life and most people get degrees and don’t even use them these days. Who got the idea that people should pick a major field of study at 18-22 years old? Our lives are just starting, how the hell are we supposed to know what we want to do with our lives? How are we supposed to say, “this is what I’ll do with my life, this is what I’m interested in, this is how I’ll help people,” when we’re just getting to know ourselves and the world we live in?

So I got in an argument with my mom about me changing my major to psychology because she wants me to be a nurse and because my parents pay my tuition. In short, the argument ended in me saying, “you know what, do what you want,” and hanging up the phone. I’m to the point now where I don’t really care, I just want a degree in something so I have something to show for these last 3 years of my life. At least as a nurse I can be a missionary, so I’m not completely against it.

Today I was talking to my mentor about all of this and she asked me, “if you had no friends, no family, and money wasn’t an issue, what would you do?” Such a good question! So often we get distracted and persuaded by the people around us telling us what to do. While they have our best interest in mind, they are biased, my mom wants me to be a nurse because she and her sisters and her mother have been in the medical field for years and she wants me to have security and to make lots of money. So anyway I told her I would leave, I said I would be a missionary and a writer and see the world. I want to see the world.

I am very different from my mom and we want drastically different things for my life. I want to travel and when I say travel I don’t mean vacation, I’m talking 3rd world countries, working with non-profits, volunteering, being a missionary. I probably won’t even have an apartment because I don’t plan on staying in it. I want to see things that will humble me and help people who need help and get joy from that, I don’t care how much money I make.

I feel stuck in this life, and it’s not a bad life, but I don’t want it. So maybe I’ll suffer through 18 more months of school, I’m sure there are some missionary jobs for nurses. But I refuse to have a cushy desk job! And sure, it may be hard for some people to pick up and leave and move around a lot but for me, there’s nothing I’d rather do. I don’t mind having to leave friends and family because you make new friends and family will always be family and I never really get homesick, well except for when I was in New York but that was because it was an awfully rude and obnoxious place. Have you ever seen Bad Girls Club or Jersey Shore? It was like that.

Anyway, I’ve prayed about it and it seems that God is telling me to choose my mother’s path for now because I can missionary with a psych degree or a nursing degree and I don’t really care which one it is so why not just do nursing to make my mother happy and give her peace of mind? And since my mom found an 18 month program, I won’t have to be in school that much longer and the sooner the better because I’m itching to go to North Korea first and maybe work with the non-profit LINK (Liberty In North Korea). The people are being treated as less than human and they are trying to escape, it’s terrible there and God is calling on me to help. I complain about my life but then I learn about something like this and I ask myself, ‘who are the true miserable ones?’ Sure, I’m stressed because of school and uncertainty about the future but at least I have a future, at least I am given the opportunity to dream. This video is from the website, some people think it’s propaganda or non-sense or that we’re treating the North Koreans like they can’t take care of themselves, but when people are ACTIVELY looking for help and trying to escape their country, what kind of people would we be to turn away? http://libertyinnorthkorea.org/media/

And I guess this week, this whole month really, the song I’ve been thinking a lot about is “I Dreamed a Dream” from the musical Les Miserables. I like this song because even though she is miserable, in the beginning you see her reminisce about what was and her dream and I believe that in that moment, you can see that even though terrible things are happening to her she wouldn’t give up that dream for anything in the world. She’s miserable yes, but her dream gives her hope. Everyone should be able to have the opportunity to dream and I think it’s terrible that in the world we live in people’s dreams are being taken away or are non existent because they don’t have time to dream, they’re just trying to survive another day, that’s the biggest tragedy of all. Anyway, I think the song is beautiful. BUT, I like how Ruthie Henshall, the way she portrays emotion is perfect and she really makes me feel what she feels every time I hear it. I know people like Ann Hathaway but listen to this once and you’ll see why there’s no comparison. Once you hear Ruthie Henshall sing it, I mean, everyone else just sounds terrible hahaha. But, to be fair, screen acting is different from the stage and Ann Hathaway isn’t as strongly trained in voice as she is. But anyway, listen to it and you be the judge.

A Selfish Politician and Her Pursuite of Happiness

How was this week? I have no idea actually; I am kind of sick of all of this intrinsic thinking, to be quite honest. It has gotten to the point where I’m thinking about ways to improve myself constantly. That’s not why I started this, I started this to eliminate the idols that were in my life because they distracted me from the possibility of a stronger relationship with Christ.

Honestly, looking back, I thought, when I started this, that, in doing this God would see how dedicated I am and reward me with the right guy. It’s silly, but that’s how messed up my thinking was. I, in my selfishness, have turned this into an “all about me” project and it is tiring; it is tiring to always be thinking, “how can I be better?” I am starting to do this wrong, I need to instead think, “how can I strengthen my relationship with Christ?” This journey has definitely made me closer to Him, but, now I am turning it into a selfish thing. I need to start asking, in everything I do, “is this to make myself better for God or is this for my gain?”

I was talking to a friend about maybe doing pageants because it would give me confidence in my beauty, it would help me get rid of my fear of people judging me, and, it would teach me the skills that are valuable in my career path. He said I should do it because it sounds like a good idea. But then, I started thinking that it would be awfully selfish of me; is me being in pageants going to glorify the Lord, or would I be doing it for my own selfish gain?

I want to be a Nurse Practitioner and a politician, I want to do those things to help people. If my main goal is to help people then the steps I take to get there need to reflect that. The minute I turn the steps in my career path into something selfish is the minute my whole life, and my whole career become about me. My life and my career will never be about me, they will always be about serving others. Who would I be helping by being in pageants? I’d be helping myself. No pageants. If I keep asking questions like these most decisions in my life should be pretty simple, hard, but simple.