It’s Over

I know it has been a long time since I posted anything but when the year without dating ended I felt that I had said all I needed and wanted to say but recent events have made me realize there’s so much more that needs to be said so I will say it all here in this post. That being said this will be my last post on this blog, I may start another but who knows…

Recently my last grandmother passed away leaving me with one grandparent left. She used to give me so much advice about writing and staying creative in a world made for left brains and sticking to and stretching out my right brained talents no matter what and to challenge them. She also gave me a lot of spiritual advice as well that really resonated with me. The night before she passed away I had not known she was going to die yet but I was compelled to write in my journal and the things I wrote were as if she was speaking straight to me. The prayer at the end of my journal log was especially scary to read back after I got the news that she had passed because I seriously felt that death was going to happen soon, I just thought it might be me… It’s weird how I wrote things that she had been telling me all along about God and love and life hours prior to her death…anyway here’s what I wrote:

For the first time ever I feel like everything will be alright. I’ve spent my whole relationship with God in fear and worry. I, like Job, have been secretly afraid that God would take everything from me and give me nothing, or, give only to take from me. My whole relationship up until now has been me walking on egg shells, treading carefully along hoping not to break one for fear of His wrath. I could never find peace because I was always afraid; I spent my life waiting for the other shoe to drop because nothing seemed to be good or go well for too long in my life. I spent the majority of my childhood being afraid; afraid to go to school, afraid of my father’s wrath, afraid no one would ever love me. Whenever anything good happened misery came like a thief in the night, stealing any glimmer of happiness I had.

But now everything is going well, everything I’ve asked for I’ve received because as soon as I stopped being scared, as soon as I stopped being worried, as soon as I put all my eggs in the basket of trust for God He gave me everything I ever asked for, everything I ever wanted and everything I ever dreamed.

I spent my life feeling unloved and lost and then one day I fell in love with God. I understood Him as a father to the fatherless, mother to the motherless, husband to the widow, etc.  Whereas before He was the one who gives to take back.  In falling in love with Him I have found peace because I know that even if His plan for my life is different than mine that I would be okay. Once I finally came to the realization that God is all I need and once I really felt that and was happy and content in my heart, He gave me everything I had been praying about; He gave me what literally every need-based prayer was about; He gave me love which I found through Him and I feel whole. What’s funny is as soon as I felt my need for love was filled He pulled a rabbit out of the hat and sent me a man.

I have been dating a friend of mine who has been a close friend for 2 years, after my year of dating was over he confessed his feelings for me and though I had a lot of reservations about whether or not this was part of God’s plan for me I came around after about a month of prayer and talking about it with different people and I know now that I made the right choice.  In addition to this, my family is doing better; my brother’s dreams are coming true right before our eyes, my dad after being laid off for about 5 years has finally landed a job he enjoys and that treats him well and though we still have a lot of bills to pay and though we still struggle I am sure we will pull through by the grace of God, and I am finishing up my last couple of semesters in college and moving on to grad school where I plan to get an MA in IO Psych and an MBA.  This was one of the toughest academic semesters I’ve had to face because I took statistics II and with a lot, a lot, A LOT  of work and prayer I pushed through, I feel unstoppable.

What I’m saying is I’m not happy. Happiness is a temporary state of emotion, I am fulfilled! It took me giving up my struggle to run my own life to finally feel this way. Once I was content and happy with whatever God gave me, once I was able to give Him glory through the storms and the sunshine He gave me extra, He gave me what I didn’t even need but had been asking for just to prove He cares and that He listens and that He hasn’t been ignoring me all those years. When you delight yourself in the Lord He gives you the desires of your heart, that doesn’t mean just pray and read your Bible because if it did every believer would feel the way I do right now and that sadly isn’t the case. What it means is to be content and happy with what you have and pray for what you don’t, in hard times don’t curse God and say He is ignoring you instead understand that His plan is greater than you can fathom and that what you see is a snapshot of a greater picture. Whenever I feel defeated I say the song lyric, “though my heart is torn I will praise you through the storm” and it not only is a prayer to God but a reminder to myself that He sees, He listens, He’s there, He cares, He’s planning and He loves me. This is why people pray but say they haven’t received what they’re asking for, they haven’t delighted themselves in the Lord and He is holding what they want until their heart is  ready to receive what He has to give.

For the first time in my life I am not afraid of the Lord taking everything from me because I willingly give it all to Him. I understand His love for me and not only know but feel now that He won’t hurt me. Job had to learn that lesson the hard way’ the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh  but He gives only when our hearts are truly ready to receive and He takes only when our fear of Him taking away our possessions is greater than our trust, love and glory for Him.

My prayer:

Dear Lord,

I just thank you for everything. Thank you for every little and big thing; thank you for my brother’s opportunities, my parents’ struggles and fights through every obstacle, thank you for Nate being in my life, who would’ve thought that random kid at that party would become so important to me, thank you that things are going well with school. I thank you for everything I’ve gone through; every single struggle, every disappointment, every heart break because it has brought me to this place of fulfillment. Every night and day spent crying, every ounce of abuse I’ve endured I thank you for. Every tear and every hurt has lead me closer to understanding who You are. It all makes sense and  I’ve never seen my life so clear as I do right now. There’s a reason we praise you through the storm, because the storm just means we’re one day closer to the sunshine and clarity of what it was all for. I’m having the kind of clarity that I feel one has before they die and while tomorrow is not guaranteed I know this is only the beginning.

Amen.

 

My First Kiss

I was thinking and I never told you guys about my first kiss. This is a blog about all things love so it’s only fitting I tell you about it.

You know how there’s that look and then he grabs you by the waist gently and looks you deep into your eyes and you start to tremble and get those butterflies and then his lips barely touch yours and you feel like you’re floating and you close your eyes and time stops. Then you open them and you feel like you’re dreaming?

Yeah, wasn’t like that for me at all. This glorified first kiss thing has got to stop. Stop it Hollywood, you’re getting our hopes up! Now, I’m not saying that they’re all not like that but I haven’t heard any real life stories that were like that.

Unlike most girls my first kiss was fairly recent. I wasn’t allowed to date in high school and since I was terrified of disobeying my dad I didn’t date. So I had a lot of catching up to do when college rolled around.

I met this guy at a charity ball, he was going away to boot camp for the Marine Corps after the weekend. I was immediately attracted to him when he entered the room, our eyes locked and my goodness I got butterflies. Sounds like a movie doesn’t it? But unlike the Hollywood tales we did not have an “adult sleepover” and although I was invited to an “after party” of his I didn’t go.

He was charming, he made me laugh and he was sweet to me and he wouldn’t take his eyes off of me the whole night. I hate being stared at but when it’s a cute guy it makes you feel special. We danced and he stared into my eyes and had his hands in respectable places. So far it sounds so cliche I’m starting to wonder if it really happened or if it was just from a movie I watched.

Anyway, he actually brought alcohol in a flask because he was told there would just be punch at the party. I thought it was funny and I was immediately drawn to him. My friends saw what was happening and warned me about his bad boy rep.

Tisk, tisk didn’t they know good girls love bad boys.

I was even more attracted to him after I found out about his past. And, I mean how bad could he be he was at a charity ball for crying out loud. I confronted him about it and he said it was all true, the sex, drugs, money and moving out of his parents’ house and being on his own since 16 but, he said he wanted to be a “better man.” Now I don’t know what it is ladies but when we hear that something in us goes ‘AWWW.’

Even though I was clearly into the guy I thought it was a chance encounter and snuck away from the party and went home. He was getting increasingly drunk and when guys get drunk they get clingy, not my thing. But I was still kind of into him but I knew he was leaving for bootcamp so I thought nothing of it but a great night with a fun guy.

A few months later we reconnected and long story short he asked me out, I said sure why not because it was summer and I was bored. But since he’s in the Marines we hardly ever saw each other so we didn’t actually have our first kiss until months after we started dating.

He came to visit because he was home for a few days before he had to go again. I saw him walking toward me and I got butterflies, just like the movies. I hugged him and feeling his arms around me was the best feeling ever, just like the movies. But we didn’t kiss. Not yet. He came into the room and we watched a movie and he laid on the bed and asked me if I was cold. I of course said no because I wasn’t but my friend was there and she was like that means he wants to cuddle and he said, “yeah, that’s where I was going with that.” I was slightly embarrassed by my inexperience with this type of stuff. I mean, he should have just said he wanted to cuddle. “Say what you mean, dammit,” that’s my motto.

Anyway, we cuddled and it was nice but then I started to get uncomfortable as he started to kiss my neck and blow in my ear. I started to think, “is he seriously trying to get frisky? Now? But, he was away in the corps for months I guess I should let him have some fun…” He started groping me and touching me and the next thing I knew he was on top of me. Still can’t figure out how that happened. He kissed me and…it was terrible. I’m sure he’s a good kisser what with all of his experience but I didn’t enjoy it. His tongue was in my mouth, he smelled like cigarettes and my eyes were open the entire time. Well, I closed them but closing them didn’t feel right so I opened them again. It was like there was a flopping fish in my mouth that tasted like an ashtray.

It wasn’t only the kiss that made my first kiss terrible I think it was the timing too. It’s hard to start off a relationship with a guy who’s in the military we never saw each other in fact, that kiss was only our second encounter. I felt like I needed to spend time with him more, go on a few dates at least before I let him grope me. And that was another thing, the groping, he knew I was saving myself for marriage but he had never been with a girl like me so going slow wasn’t something he grasped very well. I always thought the first kiss would be sweet, timid, gentle but instead it was wet, aggressive, passionate. Passion before you’re ready for it is not a good thing. I was expecting him to ease into it but there he was on top of me full throttle.

Later we had more problems, even though he said he wanted to be a better man and not have sex again until it was with a girl that matters. I really wanted to believe him but eventually I was forced to confront the truth when he said what I’d wished he would have just told me from the very beginning, “I don’t think I can be in a sexless relationship. And I know I can’t be faithful when I’m away.” What a waste of time.

Now I understand how hard it must be for a guy with a bad boy rep to try and be with a girl with a good girl rep. But, I did ask him if he thought he could handle dating a girl like me whose saving it for the white dress and he said yeah because he liked me not just my body. Ladies, they all say that. I’ve dated 4 or 5 guys and every single one has said the exact same thing but when it comes down to it, if you have to ask you already know the real answer… you’re just hoping he doesn’t say it. The real answer is he wants to say yes and mean it and maybe he does for a little while, but common sense tells you that a bad boy isn’t going to just give up his bad boy ways on a whim. It’ll take time and personal growth and restructuring and unfortunately, that doesn’t involve us.

You want to date a guy with a bad boy rep but you’re afraid it won’t work out?

Solution: Don’t date him. See how serious he is about being a better man on his own because if he doesn’t want to change for himself he’s not going to change for you. Lesson learned.

How Do You Know When it’s Real?

Since this is a blog to express how I feel about love I guess I should be more vulnerable.

Last night I went to a party for the graduates, everyone could come as long as they were invited by a senior. So I went with some friends, it was on a boat and we went down the IL River for about 2 hours. I was excited to go because I had never been to senior boat before. Being on the boat reminded me of junior prom because we did the same thing only we were at Navy Pier. I quickly discovered, however that this was very, very different from a high school prom.

Drunks, vulgarity, and inappropriate sexual behavior everywhere. At first I didn’t know why there were chaperones because it’s college and most people there were 21+ but seeing how some people were acting I realized why. Then again, it’s not like the chaperones did anything so I still don’t know why they were there.

Anyway, this isn’t about that, this is about the way being there made me feel.

So, I guess I felt out of place, everywhere I looked there were couples and every insecurity I thought I had dealt with quickly came to surface. I started to feel ugly, lonely, like a loser. I went with friends and we’re all single but I just still didn’t feel like I should have been there. Everywhere I looked there was someone making out, someone sucking someone’s neck, a guy feeling a girl up. It was just a bunch of horny animals and I was disgusted but jealous at the same time. Being around all those couples made me so sad but,

It was my choice not to date for a year

It was my choice to not cave into sexual promiscuity.

I choose who I surround myself with.

I chose all the “right” things but being there just made me feel like I have been choosing the wrong things. I mean, when you see some of your Christian friends grinding on the dance floor it’s hard to tell the difference between them and everyone else. It was as if they were saying, “I have Christian morals, but only when it’s convenient.” It was like a lie. Some of my other friends talked about that too, it made us uncomfortable but you know what, to each their own, I don’t judge.

Being at senior boat made me realize I do want what those girls have though, I always have which is what made me sad-

I want a guy to look at me the way they were being looked at by their boyfriends and I don’t mean in a sexual way, what I mean is like this

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They looked at their girlfriends like they were the most amazing girls in the world. I don’t know if that’s how they really felt or if it was just all the alcohol but regardless, I wanted it.

So I became jealous and started thinking ‘woe is me’ but then I realized I don’t want what they have. I think it’s sad when you can’t tell if a guy really feels like the girl he’s with is the most amazing girl in the world or if it’s just the alcohol.

I want more.

I was with a guy who looked at me that way but only when it was convenient. But he is the only guy who has ever looked at me that way so I thought it was real. I still have no idea if it was real on his part because he still claimed that he had real feelings for me after we broke up but I find that hard to believe given the way I was treated.

My question for you all is, how do you know when it’s real? A guy can fake that look, I saw it first hand multiple times last night, some of the times I saw it being enacted on some of my friends by guys who were players.

The harsh reality broke my spirit. That a guy can lie with his eyes too.

If he can lie with his eyes he can lie with anything.

I’m at a loss, but at least I learned something about myself:

  • I want to be wanted, every woman does but, I don’t want to fool around with a loser who does nothing but lie and make me feel insignificant. I saw too many girls get hurt by that last night.
  • I want a serious relationship because I do want to be a wife. Not anytime too soon but I could see myself engaged in a few years. I don’t want kids until I’m 30 though, I’m waaaay not ready for motherhood, nowhere near it. But some of my friends are which kind of just makes me feel weird lol
  • I put myself through this because I know it will pay off. I let myself feel left out, I stay a virgin and I surround myself with people who do and want the same things even if we are the outsiders because I know that it will make me happier and healthier in the long run. I’ve seen family member after family member fall prey to drugs, alcohol, and a boy’s lies. Do you know what it got them? Jail, compromised health, dependency, and unplanned pregnancies. I grew up watching cousins, aunts and uncles who all had, potential throw their lives away over fleeting pleasure. I grew up knowing I didn’t want to be like them and have done everything in my power to run away from it.

What’s next:

I need to remind myself continuously that I’m doing these things for a reason and I need to stay out of situations that make me feel otherwise until I’m spiritually and mentally stronger. I won’t be going to senior boat next year and I am not going to anymore of these parties. I’m not a party girl in the first place so I have no idea what I was doing there anyway.

7 Months!

It has been a wonderful 7 months without dating; there have been many ups and downs but all in all I’m glad I have been doing this. With my time off dating I’ve come to realize how much the thought and distraction of boys kind of just clouded my judgment and altered my motives. Now that I’m not trying to impress anyone I can decide if I really want to do something. Here’s what I’ve learned on my journey solo so far:

  • I really like watching baseball! I never understood the sport EVER! But I went to a baseball game a couple weeks ago because I organized for the baseball team to wear blue ribbon pins and blue bracelets for child abuse awareness month to spread awareness about child abuse and the One Hope United organization. And I surprisingly had a lot of fun! I usually fall asleep watching baseball on TV with my dad but I had a lot of fun so I went to another one yesterday, again so fun. And I’m going again today! One of my friends asked me if I have a crush on one of the players because usually girls go to the games to support their boyfriends but I really don’t, I just like going. It’s nice to go to a sporting event and not be scouting out cute guys, I was actually able to pay attention to the game instead of the guys playing. I still don’t understand it all but I learn more each time I go. Woohoo for baseball!

306 This is my cousin at one of his northwestern games, he plays in the major leagues now! Woohoo baseball!

  • I know my type. I’ve said this before, but since I’m not dating I’ve had time to think about what I want in a guy and now I know so that I don’t waste anyone’s time in the future.
  • I don’t need a boyfriend. I think now a boyfriend would be…okay I don’t really care either way but before I started this it was always on my mind. A lot of people would tell me I could date any guy I wanted and so if I was single or didn’t have a potential guy I felt that something was wrong with me, that there was a negative rumor (my school is a small private college), or that maybe I just was odd or not pretty. I not only feel like I don’t need a guy but I am a lot more comfortable being alone now whereas before being alone made me so anxious and self conscious but then I realized no one cares that I’m alone and I was just being ridiculous. I’m so much happier now because I’m comfortable with myself.
  • I no longer find my worth in men. It used to be I wasn’t pretty, smart, funny, or fun unless I got validation from a guy and that was an everyday ordeal for me. Now I wake up in the morning realizing how beautiful I really am and I’ve been hanging out a lot more with friends and just having fun being myself with them. I don’t understand why I spent so much time trying to be someone I thought a guy I liked would want. I realize that dating is supposed to be about two people who are similar and want to get to know each other better, no one should be trying to conform to what the other wants. I am pretty, I am smart, and I’m the goofiest person I know. I think I’m pretty great and I know and accept my flaws so I should be with a guy who loves and accepts all of me too. My new philosophy is to be with a guy who loves me as much as I love me lol that’s almost impossible now which I think is the point. I think we’re just supposed to be ourselves and then love will find us.
  • I am so loved! This year has been so uplifting for me because I didn’t know where I fit in, in my groups of friends but it turns out people appreciate and look up to me and trust me. I had THE BEST 21st birthday last month, most people don’t remember their 21st but mine was one I’ll never forget! I should actually put pictures up, I will later but it was awesome and now that the school year is coming to an end I’ve just been hanging out with and really appreciating the people in my life. Whether it’s late night talks with friends about their love lives, picking out dresses for the upcoming busy weekend of baccalaureate, senior boat, and graduation (I get to go because I’m in choir and we sing for baccalaureate and graduation and one of my friends invited me to senior boat! super excited!), listening to engagement stories, going to baseball games, advice giving and advice taking, I’m enjoying spending time with the people in my life instead of worrying about keeping a boy in my life. I’ve learned to appreciate the people I have and not to hold onto the people leaving because the people who stick around are the people who are worth my time.
  • I am wiser. I just yesterday was able to give advice to one of my friends who is also not dating for a year, she started the day after me. She is having concerns about a guy who isn’t Christian but who wants to date her. I’ll go no further than that, but I was able to give her sound advice because of my own experiences with “bad boys” who are sweet and charming. Sometimes you have to follow your brain and not your hormones no matter how sweet he may be to you now, if your morals and lifestyles are different it’s just not going to work out. But I told her to still be friendly and see what happens because God may be working in him through her, he is going to church now so who knows what will happen.
  • I am more spiritually mature. I didn’t really care about my relationship with God, I didn’t even know there was such a thing but now I actually have a relationship with Him and it’s wonderful. I was recently told by a friend that she enjoys being around me because my love for God is contagious. I’ve been told this a couple of times this semester actually. I’m glad other people can see it because that must mean it’s radiating and people should be able to tell you’re a follower by the fruit that you produce, I finally know what that looks like because that’s me now 🙂 so uplifting.
  • I have been able to spend more time with other believers. I so love being around other Christians, I had a bad habit of being into non-christian guys so my relationships were distracting and I’ve been able to see that there are plenty of Christian guys who are my type.

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  • I’m a pretty awesome person! Since I was always looking for validation from guys I always ended up feeling insignificant and not good enough (not talented enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not athletic enough) to be with the guy I was with or interested in. But since I’ve been consciously by myself for a while I realize just how amazing I really am. And I’m not trying to sound prideful I just think that everyone should feel that way, not that they’re better or worse than others but that they’re just different and they have something unique to offer the world. Now I can date with confidence. My confidence in myself is so completely different.

All in all I guess I’ve just gotten to know myself a lot better and I really like me lol. I’ve gotten to spend more quality time with friends too and figuring out which friends were real friends that I could see myself hanging out with for years to come was very rewarding; I love my friends! A year off of dating was much needed for my mind, spirit, and social life!

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Here are some pictures of my 21st, to sum it up there was shopping, a loooot of food, shopping some more and drinking in moderation, of course

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Break the Mold

The video below talks about EXACTLY what I’ve been saying for the longest time! I see my friends stress over grades and keeping their 4.0 and for a while I bought into and felt like a failure if I didn’t get a good grade. I’d get mad at myself, my teachers, and friends who did better. And if I got one of the highest grades I would walk around like I was holier than thou. But our self worth is not dependent on what society has tried to make us believe.

My freshman year of college was hell. Literally just bad thing after bad thing: I went to a school in New York and quickly discovered I’m a small town girl and got into some drama which is rare because usually I stay out of it. I literally had a suite mater threaten to knock my out, I had suitemates who would literally go behind their friends and boyfriends’ backs and cheat with each others boyfriends or other guys on campus. Then when I finally transferred schools I got extremely sick. I was blacking out, could hardly walk, I felt like I was dying because I was like that for a couple months. Once I finally got better I had to have a bunch of meetings with teachers and administration about my grades which obviously weren’t good since I could hardly walk to the bathroom so of course I didn’t go to class! Then as I was walking back from a terrible meeting (I was told that I was being put on academic probation) I got a call from my mom telling me that my grandmother had just died. Wonderful. She was an amazing woman, she knew me better than I know myself and just like that she was gone and I wasn’t even with my family to grieve. So I obviously missed more school to be with my family and go to the funeral.

That summer was hell. I felt like my whole world was falling apart; my GPA had fallen tremendously, I was losing hair, one of the most important people in my life died, and despite my good health record I was still sick and in and out of the doctors office with scares of possibly needing a cat scan and a bunch of other tests. I think I prayed to God that He would spare me the bullshit and end my life a bunch of times. Everything, literally EVERYTHING that I had ever depended on to get me anywhere in life was taken from me all at once. In the blink of an eye, gone. Freshman year of college is supposed to be fun and you’re supposed to party and make friends, explore campus activities, etc. I think I went to one party. One. It was the worst year of my life and when summer hit I barely came out of my room because I didn’t want to live quite honestly. What pissed me off the most was the way the school treated me, all of these things happened in the span of a few months, keep in mind and they acted as if I still could have somehow came to all of my classes and done well on all tests. Are you fucking kidding me!? I seriously remember telling my biology teacher that I needed to go home for my grandmother’s funeral and that my health hadn’t been so well and she looked me in the eyes and pretty much told me my grade is my fault and I shouldn’t be missing so much class. Are you kidding me bitch? Luckily, I have wonderful parents who called a few of my teachers and chewed their asses out, it didn’t help my GPA but it did make me feel a little better that my parents had my back.

When my dad called to try and appeal my grade the administration said they only make exceptions for death to a member of the household. Really? So it wasn’t enough that I was bedridden for 2 months or that my high school GPA was good or that my first semester GPA at my other school was outstanding, no, you only make exceptions for household deaths. You have no idea how much I wanted to burn this school to the fucking ground.

But eventually I realized I’m still alive, I’m still me. Even though everything important to me had been taken away, I’m still here. That had to mean something. So I got out of my room and decided I’m not going to let a bunch of people who don’t know me or my story tell me who I am. My GPA does not define me, even though my body seemed to be giving up on me I didn’t let my health define me either. I decided to show the school that, no, I don’t have a 4.0 but that doesn’t mean anything. All a 4.0 means is that you’re really good at memorizing shit that doesn’t matter and kissing ass. I came back to campus and rubbed elbows with the president of the school, vice president, and other administrators not because of my GPA but because I was proactive and decided to do things my way. And do you know what they told me just based off one conversation? They told me how sharp I am and that they want me to stay at this school. They told me the world needs more people like me and that I’m a problem solver and a leader.

Take that Bio-bitch.

My point in all this ranting is that our society has become impersonal. Our educators care more about their damn tests than what’s happening in their students’ lives. Even though that was the worst year of my life I’m glad it all happened because if it hadn’t I wouldn’t have learned the lessons that God was trying to teach me:

-my favorite verse, Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” In a time where I wanted to die that was and actually still is extremity comforting. Amen to that.

-after my grandmother died I cam across this brass sailboat at the mall that had these words embroidered on it, “The Will of God will never lead you where the Grace of God cannot keep you.” It was like He was right next to me with His hand on my back saying, “I know the tides are rough right now and you feel scared and helpless but you will get through this.” So I obviously had to buy it.

-don’t let them tell me who I am. When someone tries to tell me who I am and where I’m going and what I need to do, I can now look them in the eyes, and say, “I don’t live to serve you, I’ll not only tell you who I am but I’ll show you and believe me, I know where I’m going.”

-I realized that the only one I should try to please is God because when the shit hits the fan and your friends and family don’t understand the pain you’re going through He’s the only One still there holding your hand saying, “we’ll get through this

There’s this video that someone put on facebook that just preaches everything I’ve been trying to teach people through my own experience. The gist of it is, hate school, love education and don’t let anyone else decide who you are and where you’re going. I highly recommend you watch and share.

C’est la vie

This semester I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m going to do with my life and my degree. I’m at the end of my Junior year already, it’s getting scary!

We had our annual spring choir concert tonight and I am sad it’s over. I still have 3 more semesters with the choir but knowing certain people are seniors and are leaving kind of makes me sad because I know I’ll never sing with this particular group again! 😦

Before every concert all 80 of us get in a huge circle for some jokes and inspirational music-related quotes then the seniors share about their time with choir. I almost cried a few times because this has definitely been my favorite group! One of my closest friends from cheer leading is graduating and my roommate is graduating as well! 😦 Sad day!

Listening to all of the seniors share about how being a part of chorale has changed their lives made me think back to when I joined as a sophomore. I remember being so nervous at my audition and then so nervous at my first practice with the choir. I remember getting so frustrated because I couldn’t read music and I walked out of practice a few times and told my friends I didn’t think I was good enough to be in the choir. Everyone was so welcoming to me and told me not to quit and not to give up and that I made it past auditions so I must be good enough. The choir director, the people in choir, even our accompanist offered to help me learn to read music and if all else fails play it by ear. I stuck with it and I’m so glad I did because even though I’m still really shy about singing in front of people being in choir has given me so much confidence. I started choir singing like a mouse now I’m one of the loudest in my section lol.

I’ve been singing since I was able to talk but the first time I fell in love with musical theater was when I was in high school and me and my best friend went to see Wicked which is now my favorite musical. I remember starting college resenting my parents because I wanted to be a musical theatre major and they told me there wasn’t many jobs in musical theater for black people. My brother defended me and told them they should let me because he thought I was a really good singer and a good actor, but my parents said they didn’t have money to throw away on me studying a dead art that wouldn’t get me work. I argued that if  I go to a school known for their alumni I’d get a job, they didn’t want to hear it. I know they enjoy hearing me sing but this situation just made me feel like they didn’t believe that I could and that I wasn’t good enough, so I stepped away from the theater and away from music but I guess I couldn’t stay away; I got involved in theater again, took a piano class, and joined choir. My sophomore year I and a group of students went to see Billy Elliot and it was like I fell in love all over again. All I could think about was how much I wanted to be on stage. People don’t expect this from me because I’m really shy and quiet but I love musical theater because I think the art of it is that when the actor has run out of words to explain the way they feel, they sing. Simply speaking doesn’t do their feelings justice. I love how I can feel what they feel when they sing and I love acting because I like being someone else and since I’m so reserved it’s fun to portray a character that is so unlike me.

So my parents and I reached a compromise, they told me not to be a major but to be a scholar and if, after I graduate I still want to go to AMDA I’d have to pay for it myself. Maybe I will because no matter how much I stay away from the theater and how much I stay away from music it finds me and I’m drawn to it anyway and it’s like I never stopped. It’s an unexplainable feeling, it’s as if you’re so happy you could die right now and you feel like your life is complete. You know what you’re supposed to be doing.

I am so confused!! This is what I know:

  • I love to travel
  • I love to sing
  • I love to act
  • I love being on stage
  • I love helping people
  • I love working with non-profits
  • I love fundraising
  • I love psychology
  • I love watching musicals, my favorites are Wicked, Memphis, Billy Elliot, Kiss Me Kate, and Gypsy
  • I love kids (why I wanted to be a teacher, then a pediatric nurse, then open my own cheer gym, then adopt children lol)
  • I love cheering
  • I love sports (why I wanted to be a coach)
  • I love cooking and feeding people -why I wanted to be a chef, and my food is awesome, everyone says so lol 🙂
  • I love to write poetry and short stories
  • I love more things but I can’t think of them right now

The point that I am trying to make is that I’m a very diverse person, I hate school because I hate waking up everyday with a schedule, knowing what the day will bring: wake up at 7:30, class at 8, break at 9, class from 10-12, lunch at 12, lab at 1, choir at 3. every mon wed frid, it’s always the same boring ass shit, going to classes that bore the hell out of me sitting there thinking why the fuck would I care about the circulatory system of a damn fish? Am I going to be a marine biologist? Hell no! I had to get up for this? Seriously? I hate school. I like not having plans and going where the day takes me. I’m the kind of person who has an achin for some bacon and gets up and goes to the store just to buy bacon. I seriously did that once in the middle of the night lol.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do in life and I think that’s the point, I think that God gives us gifts and appreciations for things and that it’s a sin to ignore them. If you’re a dancer, dance, if you’re a singer, sing! If you’re like me and have a hell of a lot of interests, do all of them! I’m a psychology major who sings, dances, cheers, coaches, fund-raises, advocates for non-profits, started her own non-profit, and cooks. Maybe one day I will go back to school and study musical theater, maybe I won’t; maybe I’ll write musicals, maybe I won’t; maybe I’ll open my own competitive cheer gym, maybe I won’t; maybe I’ll go to culinary school for the hell of it, maybe I won’t; maybe I will travel to London and go to the Adelphi Theatre (I really, really want to so I won’t even say maybe I won’t because I’d better!)

We don’t know what life will bring us, we just know what we enjoy and I think it is a shame that so many people go through life thinking we have to choose just one thing and stay with it for the rest of our lives. How are we supposed to do that!? We are all dynamic and we should all be able to explore our interests freely. One of my psych professors talked about how in some countries people major in what they love and make money from it but how in the U.S people major in something they can tolerate so that they can make money from it. That’s our idea of happiness. What a shame because in their 40s they realize it’s all a lie, my dad is starting to realize this now actually, they’re not happy with their picket fence and their dog and keeping up with the Jonses. It’s a system that needs to change because all it gives us is a bunch of stressed out people who aren’t happy and aren’t fulfilled teaching their children to be the same. It’s so rare that you find parents telling their children to embrace what they love and fully supporting their dreams. When I changed to psychology my cousin looked at me and said, “can I strangle you? You know how much psychologists make, right?” I said I refuse to live my life thinking, “what if” and being afraid to live. I’d rather enjoy what I study than be miserable now so that I can be a rich and miserable person later. WTF kind of sense does that make? I’m young, I want to live, if I have kids I’ll teach them to do the same. I’m a Christian and I believe that if you follow God’s plan for you, which contrary to popular belief is usually what you love doing because it is God who put that in your heart, then you will be okay. People will talk till their blue in the face about Jesus and God and blah blah blah but look at their lives, if they live a life of worry and fear, they’re not living like a true believer and I point that out to them and they are silent. This is what a Christian is, this is what we are supposed to do,

Romans 12:2-do not be conformed to the world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. That by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

So many people think that verse is about caving into lust and greed and what not but it is about life in general! WE ARE NOT OF THE WORLD, SO WE NEED TO LIVE LIKE IT! So often people can’t tell the difference between a believer and a non-believer because the lifestyles are so similar. A believer does what they love because it was God who put that love in our hearts in the first place, a believer doesn’t worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself, a believer IS different. But so often we see Christians who are the exact opposite of all of those things!

I’m so tired of people telling me what to major in, how to live, what to say, how to act, and what is good and acceptable and perfect. What is good and acceptable and perfect is what is in my heart because it was put there my The Perfect One, Himself. I say this to my parents all the time, “do not worry about me, your job is done, I answer to God now.” But telling parents not to worry is like telling them not to breathe.

I don’t know where life will lead me but I follow my heart and thus follow God in doing so. The beauty of life is that we tell God our plans and He laughs at them and says, You think you know, but you have no idea.

That’s why I’m a Christian, I love knowing I don’t know.

There’s More to Life than…

There has got to be more to life than majoring in something that is kind of interesting to go to classes that are bring and stressful to get a job that you can tolerate.

I talked to one of my friends who graduated from grad school a couple years ago and he is now working a job he can at least stand. I told him about how unmotivated and bored I am with school and he told me to suck it up and that we all have to do it. We all have to be unhappy now so that we can be okay later because that’s the way our society is set up.

Well I don’t want to be okay, I want to be amazing. I want to learn things I can’t learn in a classroom, I want to see things average people don’t and I want to touch lives and change people and be changed by people. I don’t see the point in staying in school at this point because I am so bored and unmotivated. 

There’s more to life than tests and papers, there’s more to life than marriage and babies, and there’s more to life than getting a tolerable job. Basically, there is more to life than “the American dream” and I want to experience and see the more in life.

 

Something Everyone Should Know About Me

I’m shy. This makes dating sooo hard because I’m really good once I’m on a date; I’m myself, I’m goofy and relaxed and not nervous or anxious at all. I think I’m so comfortable when I’m on dates because I know that the guy is interested in me already, that’s why we’re on a date, so now I can just have fun.

But it’s the getting to that point that scares the crap out of me! If I date a guy it’s because he made advances towards me; but let’s say it’s me who’s into a guy, I’m terrible! When I say hi to a guy I have a crush on I smile and walk away quickly because I’m terrified. It’s completely irrational, as all fears are, but I don’t know, I try and just say, “it’s easy, just talk to him, he’s nice,” but once I’m in the situation everything in me tells me to run quickly in the opposite direction, I think I’ve lost a lot of potential guys this way. I have always thought that if he were “the right guy” or if he’s that into me he’d just try and get to know me and be more aggressive. But why would a guy try and get to know me if I can hardly say hi? What about that would keep anyone interested? How would he even know I was interested if I don’t flirt? I’ve read all the articles; I’ve read articles on Christian flirting, shy girl flirting, young adult flirting, but none of this helps me if I can’t get passed hi lol.

And I just wish that there weren’t so many rules, like smile at him, but not too much, flirt with your eyes-glance but don’t stare, if you’re talking to him touch his arm, if he does ‘x’ then you should do ‘y.’ WTF? Why can’t I just talk to him like I do my friends? And why do I get such anxiety when I try to flirt? I’m terrible and I think I would be single even if I were trying to date right now. I’m bad at this thing everyone else just seems to get, I don’t play the game well at all, I just like being 100% honest, no games, no manipulation, no double entendre, just honesty. If a guy asks me if I’m doing anything this weekend and I’m not doing anything I’m going to say I have nothing. I’m the kind of person, where, when a friend asks me how something looks on them, I honestly say, “maybe you should change because that’s not your color” or, “that looks good, if you don’t care that people can see your cellulite.” Hello! I’m honest because I don’t know how else to be and because I expect people to be honest with me, if I say something looks good when I think it doesn’t or that I have things to do on the weekend, it’s a lie and I don’t like lies.

When I was in New York I didn’t have this problem because guys in New York are aggressive, if they want you then they go after you. Dating was so much simpler because it didn’t require me doing anything; I’d literally get hit on, on a regular basis walking to and from class: I’d get guys cutting me off my path to give me an invite to a lingerie party, I’d get walked back to my building by guys I’d never met because they wanted my number. But I don’t like city boys, I like small town, Midwestern boys and, unfortunately for me, they’re very passive. If a guy likes you around here, he’ll stare at you…a lot; he might talk to you a little bit and finally get the courage to talk to you in class or some liquid courage at a party but don’t expect much because Midwestern guys don’t make bold moves unless they’re sure the girl is into them. New York guys, on the other hand, don’t give a crap; they have this confidence that no matter what, the girl is going to be into them. You know what, even if you have a boyfriend it will not stop them from trying to get your number and trying to get to know you, believe me, I’ve used it as an excuse before. Midwestern guys require a little push, which just so happens to be something that I’m terrible at. Man, I cannot tell you how many times another girl liked the same guy as me and because I have no idea what I’m doing, I throw in the towel, stop talking to him, and let the other girl swoop in and grab all of his attention and of course because he thinks I don’t like him anymore, he takes the bate. Being “shy girl” may have been cute in high school but in college it’s terrible. And I don’t expect people to feel bad for me because I don’t feel bad for myself, I feel frustrated with myself because I’m an adult and I should be able to handle a crush. But I seriously have no idea what I’m doing: When I have a crush do I flirt with him when I see him? In front of everyone? No, that’s scary and too forward. Do I slip him a note? Are notes cute anymore?

See I’ve just been waiting for guys to be the assertive ones, but how will a guy know I’m even interested in him if I don’t do anything?

Well anyway, my shyness is something I’ve struggled with for a long time. I mean I have friends, in fact it has always been really easy for me to make friends but it has always been really hard for me to make close ones. My anxiety is like a brick wall made to protect me from certain social situations and instead of protecting me it limits me. And I have no idea how to tear it down. It’s an unexplainable phenomenon that only another shy person would understand, it’s like, you think about doing something and you’re thinking, “I’ll be fine,” then you’re in the situation and even though you’re telling yourself to stay, everything in you tells you to leave immediately. Something as simple as saying hi to a crush does this to me and I have no idea how to make it stop. And it’s the weirdest thing because if I have a class presentation I’m completely fine, I may be a little nervous but for the most part I’m okay and I’ve been told I’m a good public speaker. But then here I am, in front of a crush and I can’t form a sentence. It makes no sense! But like I said, all fear is irrational.

It’s obviously the fear of being rejected because, like I said, once I’m actually on the date I’m completely comfortable and I have a good time. And I think that I’m comfortable giving presentations because I know everyone is pretty much forced to sit there and at least pretend to listen so the pressure is off. When it comes to guys I’m crushing on I either ignore the crush and wait till it goes away or resort to technology. Technology has been like a safety net for all of us shy people, we can say what we want through text, email, Facebook, Twitter, etc. but I think it’s cowardice, like, when a guy texts me that he’s into me a part of me thinks, “oh how cute, he was too nervous to say it in person,” but a part of me says, “I just saw him 10 minutes ago, he couldn’t tell me then? What did he think I was going to do, beat him up?”

So my objective is to overcome this fear of rejection because as I get older it’s just going to limit me more and more. And maybe it’ll take me being rejected 100 or 1,000 times, maybe it’ll take me doing something crazy like, idk, being a go-go dancer…okay maybe not that because they literally dance around in underwear and I wouldn’t wear anything in a room full of strangers that I wouldn’t wear in front of my dad, but idk something crazy that requires extroversion. Also, let me explain, I’m an adventurous person so it’s not like I’m afraid of the world, I’ve been told before that I must not be that shy because I did ‘x,y and z’ but I’m afraid of rejection by my peers, I’m not afraid of going on spur the moment road trips or skinny dipping or just being ridiculous, a lot of people get confused by that but being shy doesn’t mean you’re boring.  Anyway, I’m afraid of rejection, so I’ve got to put myself in situations where I can be rejected. The only way to get rid of a fear is to put yourself in front of the stimulus that scares you on a regular basis so that your amygdala eventually knows there’s no danger here and then I’ll be “cured” of my shyness.

Okay, so I’ve written a list of situations to put myself in and things to do on maybe like a daily or weekly basis:

  • Talk to someone, other than my parents, on the phone. I know this sounds silly but I don’t like talking on the phone it’s weird, plus people always sound different on the phone than they do in real life, it’s awkward, like talking to a stranger.
  • Talk to someone I don’t usually talk to in each of my classes. I get stuck in my circle of people in classes and my classes are small enough where I can talk to anyone, so I should.
  • Be honest about how I feel. It’s very easy for me to be honest when it comes to my opinions about something but very hard for me to let people know they’ve hurt my feelings or that I’m mad at them. Usually, I ignore the feelings until they go away, but they don’t really ever go away. Especially right now when I don’t know who my real friends are, in all honesty, the people I hang out with right now probably won’t even remember my birthday (in 2 weeks). I’m tired of being left out of things and I think I was better off with the friends I hung out with last year, I still hang-out with them occasionally but not as much because I got so involved with making new friends that I kind of distanced myself from the old ones. I’m not saying I’ll stop being “friends” with the people I’m “friends” with now because I have met a couple of people that I really am close to, and I wish I could say that I just need to balance the 2 groups but it’s not about balance, I just don’t belong there and so I’m distancing myself more now. I want to hang-out more with my original friends because those people definitely know when my birthday is and I was never excluded from anything and I never felt like I’d be judged for saying something. I could be myself and they love me, all of me, good and bad. Plus I got hit on a lot more when I was hanging-out with them lol, probably because I went out more and met more people. The funny thing is, I can say these things and probably a lot more and just vent my frustrations because those “friends” don’t read my blog, but that would be very immature and I need to tell them myself. Ugh, that’s going to be uncomfortable, I don’t want to talk about my feeling and I don’t want to offend anyone but certain things need to be addressed.
  • Seek more guy friends. For some reason I’m nervous around guys more than I am around girls. I have mostly girl friends, which is okay I guess, but I think it’s important to have both. Oh, but I have one guy friend! Progress!
  • Go to very public places by myself. I don’t like going to places like the mall or the movies alone because I feel like it draws more attention. Doesn’t make sense, but that’s why it’s a fear.
  • Do pageants or get back into modeling. This one is iffy because I said before that I wouldn’t do pageants because I felt like I would have been doing it for selfish reasons but I’m coming to realize that a big part of this journey that God is putting me through is me becoming a better woman. And I think that God wants us to be confident people so it would probably actually glorify God if I did pageants if the goal is to become a better woman of God. Or I might get back into modeling; nothing says rejection like the fashion world. On the other hand, I’ve gotten so used to ‘no’ in the business that I’m completely numb to it so maybe modeling again wouldn’t really do anything for me. We’ll see, good thing I haven’t given away that directory yet.
  • Talk to guys I think are cute. This is going to be the hardest thing on the list for me because when I’m around a cute guy I feel like I’m about to have a heart attack. A little bit of the pressure is off because I’m not looking to date anyone, but still, this is gonna be a hard one. I’m going to have to actively get out of my own head… people underestimate how hard this is for me.

Something for me to remember is that even though I may get overwhelmed and walk away quickly when I try and do these things the point is that I expose myself to them, so every experience, good or bad was a success because I put myself out there.

I know this sounds strange, but as a kid I was really shy. Painfully shy. The turning point was freshman year, when I was the biggest geek alive. No one, I mean no one, even talked to me.

-Jim Carrey

Copyright ©2012 Soylent Communications

Copyright ©2012 Soylent Communications

I never felt comfortable with myself, because I was never part of the majority. I always felt awkward and shy and on the outside of the momentum of my friends’ lives.

-Steven Spielberg

 Photo by Jeff Vespa – © WireImage.com – Image courtesy WireImage.com

Photo by Jeff Vespa – © WireImage.com – Image courtesy WireImage.com

Writing is show-business for shy people. That’s how I see it.

-Lee Child

Copyright © 2007 VJ Books.

Copyright © 2007 VJ Books.

It was very natural for me to want to disappear into a dark theater. I am really very shy, that is something people never seem to fully grasp because when you’re an actor you are meant to be an exhibitionist.

-Nicole Kidman    563_nicole_kidman_j17-500x375

I loved to make people laugh in high school, and then I found I loved being on stage in front of people. I’m sure that’s some kind of ego trip or a way to overcome shyness. I was very kind of shy and reserved, so there’s a way to be on stage and be performing and balance your life out.

-Steve Martin

© 2013 Last.fm Ltd. All rights reserved

© 2013 Last.fm Ltd. All rights reserved

I think if I were a college professor no one would say I was uncomfortable about being shy because that might be expected. But I think because of people’s stereotypes they think of a football player as someone who is very outgoing and I’m not.

-Ricky Williams

Ricky Williams

I didn’t start singing with my eyes open until I was 19, that’s how shy I was!

-Jennifer Hudson

I have feelings too. I am still human. All I want is to be loved, for myself and for my talent.

-Marilyn Monroe

Copyright © 2013 Bubblews L.L.C. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2013 Bubblews L.L.C. All rights reserved.

At least someone gets it.