It’s Over

I know it has been a long time since I posted anything but when the year without dating ended I felt that I had said all I needed and wanted to say but recent events have made me realize there’s so much more that needs to be said so I will say it all here in this post. That being said this will be my last post on this blog, I may start another but who knows…

Recently my last grandmother passed away leaving me with one grandparent left. She used to give me so much advice about writing and staying creative in a world made for left brains and sticking to and stretching out my right brained talents no matter what and to challenge them. She also gave me a lot of spiritual advice as well that really resonated with me. The night before she passed away I had not known she was going to die yet but I was compelled to write in my journal and the things I wrote were as if she was speaking straight to me. The prayer at the end of my journal log was especially scary to read back after I got the news that she had passed because I seriously felt that death was going to happen soon, I just thought it might be me… It’s weird how I wrote things that she had been telling me all along about God and love and life hours prior to her death…anyway here’s what I wrote:

For the first time ever I feel like everything will be alright. I’ve spent my whole relationship with God in fear and worry. I, like Job, have been secretly afraid that God would take everything from me and give me nothing, or, give only to take from me. My whole relationship up until now has been me walking on egg shells, treading carefully along hoping not to break one for fear of His wrath. I could never find peace because I was always afraid; I spent my life waiting for the other shoe to drop because nothing seemed to be good or go well for too long in my life. I spent the majority of my childhood being afraid; afraid to go to school, afraid of my father’s wrath, afraid no one would ever love me. Whenever anything good happened misery came like a thief in the night, stealing any glimmer of happiness I had.

But now everything is going well, everything I’ve asked for I’ve received because as soon as I stopped being scared, as soon as I stopped being worried, as soon as I put all my eggs in the basket of trust for God He gave me everything I ever asked for, everything I ever wanted and everything I ever dreamed.

I spent my life feeling unloved and lost and then one day I fell in love with God. I understood Him as a father to the fatherless, mother to the motherless, husband to the widow, etc.  Whereas before He was the one who gives to take back.  In falling in love with Him I have found peace because I know that even if His plan for my life is different than mine that I would be okay. Once I finally came to the realization that God is all I need and once I really felt that and was happy and content in my heart, He gave me everything I had been praying about; He gave me what literally every need-based prayer was about; He gave me love which I found through Him and I feel whole. What’s funny is as soon as I felt my need for love was filled He pulled a rabbit out of the hat and sent me a man.

I have been dating a friend of mine who has been a close friend for 2 years, after my year of dating was over he confessed his feelings for me and though I had a lot of reservations about whether or not this was part of God’s plan for me I came around after about a month of prayer and talking about it with different people and I know now that I made the right choice.  In addition to this, my family is doing better; my brother’s dreams are coming true right before our eyes, my dad after being laid off for about 5 years has finally landed a job he enjoys and that treats him well and though we still have a lot of bills to pay and though we still struggle I am sure we will pull through by the grace of God, and I am finishing up my last couple of semesters in college and moving on to grad school where I plan to get an MA in IO Psych and an MBA.  This was one of the toughest academic semesters I’ve had to face because I took statistics II and with a lot, a lot, A LOT  of work and prayer I pushed through, I feel unstoppable.

What I’m saying is I’m not happy. Happiness is a temporary state of emotion, I am fulfilled! It took me giving up my struggle to run my own life to finally feel this way. Once I was content and happy with whatever God gave me, once I was able to give Him glory through the storms and the sunshine He gave me extra, He gave me what I didn’t even need but had been asking for just to prove He cares and that He listens and that He hasn’t been ignoring me all those years. When you delight yourself in the Lord He gives you the desires of your heart, that doesn’t mean just pray and read your Bible because if it did every believer would feel the way I do right now and that sadly isn’t the case. What it means is to be content and happy with what you have and pray for what you don’t, in hard times don’t curse God and say He is ignoring you instead understand that His plan is greater than you can fathom and that what you see is a snapshot of a greater picture. Whenever I feel defeated I say the song lyric, “though my heart is torn I will praise you through the storm” and it not only is a prayer to God but a reminder to myself that He sees, He listens, He’s there, He cares, He’s planning and He loves me. This is why people pray but say they haven’t received what they’re asking for, they haven’t delighted themselves in the Lord and He is holding what they want until their heart is  ready to receive what He has to give.

For the first time in my life I am not afraid of the Lord taking everything from me because I willingly give it all to Him. I understand His love for me and not only know but feel now that He won’t hurt me. Job had to learn that lesson the hard way’ the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh  but He gives only when our hearts are truly ready to receive and He takes only when our fear of Him taking away our possessions is greater than our trust, love and glory for Him.

My prayer:

Dear Lord,

I just thank you for everything. Thank you for every little and big thing; thank you for my brother’s opportunities, my parents’ struggles and fights through every obstacle, thank you for Nate being in my life, who would’ve thought that random kid at that party would become so important to me, thank you that things are going well with school. I thank you for everything I’ve gone through; every single struggle, every disappointment, every heart break because it has brought me to this place of fulfillment. Every night and day spent crying, every ounce of abuse I’ve endured I thank you for. Every tear and every hurt has lead me closer to understanding who You are. It all makes sense and  I’ve never seen my life so clear as I do right now. There’s a reason we praise you through the storm, because the storm just means we’re one day closer to the sunshine and clarity of what it was all for. I’m having the kind of clarity that I feel one has before they die and while tomorrow is not guaranteed I know this is only the beginning.

Amen.

 

Advertisements

Break the Mold

The video below talks about EXACTLY what I’ve been saying for the longest time! I see my friends stress over grades and keeping their 4.0 and for a while I bought into and felt like a failure if I didn’t get a good grade. I’d get mad at myself, my teachers, and friends who did better. And if I got one of the highest grades I would walk around like I was holier than thou. But our self worth is not dependent on what society has tried to make us believe.

My freshman year of college was hell. Literally just bad thing after bad thing: I went to a school in New York and quickly discovered I’m a small town girl and got into some drama which is rare because usually I stay out of it. I literally had a suite mater threaten to knock my out, I had suitemates who would literally go behind their friends and boyfriends’ backs and cheat with each others boyfriends or other guys on campus. Then when I finally transferred schools I got extremely sick. I was blacking out, could hardly walk, I felt like I was dying because I was like that for a couple months. Once I finally got better I had to have a bunch of meetings with teachers and administration about my grades which obviously weren’t good since I could hardly walk to the bathroom so of course I didn’t go to class! Then as I was walking back from a terrible meeting (I was told that I was being put on academic probation) I got a call from my mom telling me that my grandmother had just died. Wonderful. She was an amazing woman, she knew me better than I know myself and just like that she was gone and I wasn’t even with my family to grieve. So I obviously missed more school to be with my family and go to the funeral.

That summer was hell. I felt like my whole world was falling apart; my GPA had fallen tremendously, I was losing hair, one of the most important people in my life died, and despite my good health record I was still sick and in and out of the doctors office with scares of possibly needing a cat scan and a bunch of other tests. I think I prayed to God that He would spare me the bullshit and end my life a bunch of times. Everything, literally EVERYTHING that I had ever depended on to get me anywhere in life was taken from me all at once. In the blink of an eye, gone. Freshman year of college is supposed to be fun and you’re supposed to party and make friends, explore campus activities, etc. I think I went to one party. One. It was the worst year of my life and when summer hit I barely came out of my room because I didn’t want to live quite honestly. What pissed me off the most was the way the school treated me, all of these things happened in the span of a few months, keep in mind and they acted as if I still could have somehow came to all of my classes and done well on all tests. Are you fucking kidding me!? I seriously remember telling my biology teacher that I needed to go home for my grandmother’s funeral and that my health hadn’t been so well and she looked me in the eyes and pretty much told me my grade is my fault and I shouldn’t be missing so much class. Are you kidding me bitch? Luckily, I have wonderful parents who called a few of my teachers and chewed their asses out, it didn’t help my GPA but it did make me feel a little better that my parents had my back.

When my dad called to try and appeal my grade the administration said they only make exceptions for death to a member of the household. Really? So it wasn’t enough that I was bedridden for 2 months or that my high school GPA was good or that my first semester GPA at my other school was outstanding, no, you only make exceptions for household deaths. You have no idea how much I wanted to burn this school to the fucking ground.

But eventually I realized I’m still alive, I’m still me. Even though everything important to me had been taken away, I’m still here. That had to mean something. So I got out of my room and decided I’m not going to let a bunch of people who don’t know me or my story tell me who I am. My GPA does not define me, even though my body seemed to be giving up on me I didn’t let my health define me either. I decided to show the school that, no, I don’t have a 4.0 but that doesn’t mean anything. All a 4.0 means is that you’re really good at memorizing shit that doesn’t matter and kissing ass. I came back to campus and rubbed elbows with the president of the school, vice president, and other administrators not because of my GPA but because I was proactive and decided to do things my way. And do you know what they told me just based off one conversation? They told me how sharp I am and that they want me to stay at this school. They told me the world needs more people like me and that I’m a problem solver and a leader.

Take that Bio-bitch.

My point in all this ranting is that our society has become impersonal. Our educators care more about their damn tests than what’s happening in their students’ lives. Even though that was the worst year of my life I’m glad it all happened because if it hadn’t I wouldn’t have learned the lessons that God was trying to teach me:

-my favorite verse, Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” In a time where I wanted to die that was and actually still is extremity comforting. Amen to that.

-after my grandmother died I cam across this brass sailboat at the mall that had these words embroidered on it, “The Will of God will never lead you where the Grace of God cannot keep you.” It was like He was right next to me with His hand on my back saying, “I know the tides are rough right now and you feel scared and helpless but you will get through this.” So I obviously had to buy it.

-don’t let them tell me who I am. When someone tries to tell me who I am and where I’m going and what I need to do, I can now look them in the eyes, and say, “I don’t live to serve you, I’ll not only tell you who I am but I’ll show you and believe me, I know where I’m going.”

-I realized that the only one I should try to please is God because when the shit hits the fan and your friends and family don’t understand the pain you’re going through He’s the only One still there holding your hand saying, “we’ll get through this

There’s this video that someone put on facebook that just preaches everything I’ve been trying to teach people through my own experience. The gist of it is, hate school, love education and don’t let anyone else decide who you are and where you’re going. I highly recommend you watch and share.