My Perfect Guy

Since I’m not dating right now I have time to think about my past and what I really want. I need to start dating smarter and instead of dating the guy with the most charisma I need to start dating the guy who embodies what I want. I wrote a list of things that I want, now I’m not saying he needs to be all of these things, but if I could construct the perfect guy for me here’s what he’d be:

  • I want him to be part of my life and I to be part of his. I want to meet his siblings and see them as mine too. I hope it’s as if we were already family but just got disconnected somehow and found each other again.
  • We won’t have to do anything sexual for us to have an intimate connection
  • He’ll take the time to get to know me before he “makes a move”
  • He’ll be a gentleman and the first kiss will feel sweet and timid instead of making me feel like a piece of meat.
  • But, he’ll call me out when I need to be called out and be blatantly honest.
  • When he hangs out with my family it’ll be like he was supposed to be part of our family the whole time and he’ll feel the same about me with his family. He’ll get along really well with my brothers and crack open beers with my dad, he’ll be respectful to my mom and play with my little cousins, niece, and nephews.
  • He’ll be head and shoulders over me and I won’t tower over him in heels! (I’m 5’9 and a half and in my heels I’m like 6’1/6’2, this has been a problem in my dating life)
  • He’ll be even goofier than I am so that we can be dorks together cause seriously, I’m tired of being the dorkiest person I know
  • He’ll care for others and care about helping people just as much as I do
  • He’ll have to have been an athlete and I’m not saying that for shallow reasons, I’m saying that because athleticism teaches you discipline, confidence, how to take care of your body, how to win and how to lose. And if he’s not an athlete he probably won’t mesh well with my family, we love sports and we breed athletes. Case in point, my cousin plays MLB and my brother is a varsity football player and he’s a sophomore and they’re teaching him how to be QB now b/c they want him to be QB next year (apparently that’s a big deal cause when I told that to some guy he freaked) he’s also gotten letters that he’s being watched by colleges, he has been invited to play in tournies in Hawaii and Australia over the summer, and he goes to top gun training for QBs. My other brother is only 11 and he’s close to surpassing me in height, he’s up to the top of my shoulder already! And the doctor says he’ll probably be 6’5! So he plays basketball. My older brother was also a basketball player. My dad played baseball, coached football, and played basketball as well. My mom…well she keeps saying she played volleyball in high school but that was gym class and gym class doesn’t count, she’s the only non-athlete of the family. Anyway, sorry, I like talking about my family, but you get my point, if he’s not an athlete, he won’t fit in.
  • He’ll be as competitive as I am
  • We’ll make each other better people
  • He’ll be intelligent enough to hold a conversation about current issues
  • He’ll look at me as if I’m the only girl in the world and like he has been waiting for me forever and I don’t mean that like in Rihanna’s sexual way
  • He’ll make me feel pretty
  • He’ll try new things and do things just for the hell of it
  • He’ll make me laugh, (as if it’s that hard)
  • He’ll love kids
  • He’ll be my best friend and biggest cheerleader and I his
  • He’ll won’t just tell me all the things I’ve heard before, “you’re special,” “you deserve a good man,” “you have my heart.” NO! He’ll SHOW me, you think I’m special, show me how special you think I am, you think I deserve a good man, be that man, show me that I have your heart; he’ll talk the talk AND walk the walk.
  • He’ll challenge me in every way
  • Most important, our relationship will glorify the Lord and we will build our lives and our family as a reflection of God’s love and grace so that we, like my parents, can have a sign across from the front door so that the first thing people read when they come in is, “the Lord has done this thing.”

I love this song by Adele, she describes the guy I think we all want and at the end she realizes he has been waiting for her too. Love! It’s called “Daydreamer” and it’s at the bottom of this post.

Another song that I’ve been thinking about lately is the song “Paper Bag” by Fiona Apple I relate to this song because of the heartbreaks I’ve gone through and how I’ve felt after them: just the feeling that you get when you think someone is what you’ve been waiting for and then you find out they’re not and you had all this hope and then, yet again, you’re heartbroken. I like this song because I relate to trying to be someone I’m not to fit in and be accepted by the guy I want to be with. I think this song is a perfect example about how sometimes we idolize people and it just ends up tearing us down and how we need to accept ourselves for who we are and not think of anyone as higher or lesser than ourselves. And, for me, I always see the guy I’m with as higher than myself which just makes me feel inadequate and that’s not healthy at all. It’s like the story of Jacob and Leah, she was only able to be happy when she realized she needed to stop chasing after the approval of Jacob and instead look to the Lord to fill her void. When Leah was finally able to say, “this time I will praise the Lord,” her relationship with the God was stronger and she was happy because she was no longer looking at Jacob as her lord. I’m beginning to see Lord as Lord and man as man, just like Leah.

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Idols: My Criticism on the American Teacher

I recently received this book, “Counterfeit Gods” by Timothy Keller, from my mentor because it’s relevant to what’s going on in my life right now. I already like the book a lot, it has made me think a lot about my life. Here’s what I took away from chapter one:

The most painful times in our lives are times in which our Isaacs, our idols, are being threatened or removed (19).

I’m 4 months in and now I’m realizing boys aren’t my idols at all, love is; when I was a little girl I was picked on a lot from 1st to 4th grade, so I figured if no one liked me, it was my fault. It was because of me that I was being picked on. I remember thinking that no one loved me and even though my parents would sneak notes into my lunches that said, “mommy and daddy love you,” I still never felt loved. I knew my parents loved me, but kids spend about 40 hours a week at school, not including after school programs. And nowadays both parents work, our society is one where the majority of the average child’s social life is at school.

School was torture, until I got fed up with being picked on and fed up with telling the teacher, because I think we all know they don’t do anything.

So I bit him. I bit my bully and I’d tell my daughter to do the same.

He ran off and told the teacher and she told me next time he bothers me to tell her instead. I agreed but I had no intention of going to the teacher ever again. So she can do what? Say ‘stop it’ as she had so many times before? No, I don’t think so. My parents and grandparents always sided with me, I was constantly getting picked on by kids in carpool who were in the 4th and 6th grade and by kids in my own class. I was sick of it and if the teachers wouldn’t do anything, I would take care of it myself.

I believe that experience is what made me initially choose elementary education as my major, I know that a lot of teachers don’t really see what’s going on in their classrooms;

I did observation hours/student teaching at a daycare in New York and there was this little girl who was constantly picked on by everyone. She would try and join in with one group and they’d push her and tell her to go away, she’d go to another group and they’d do the same, and on and on. At reading time kids would whisper mean things to her and in trying to defend herself, she’d yell at them and she would be the one who got in trouble.While all of this was happening she’d look at me with this really sad look as if I were her last hope. There were three other teachers in this class, why was I the only one who saw what was really going on? The teachers were all so quick to yell and punish but no one took the time to actually understand situations. This made me angry.

When I was finally done with observation hours it was on to student teaching and I was able to get my hands dirty with the preschoolers. If I saw them being rude I would say things like, “no that was mean, lets play with her instead.”

In one conversation I asked a little boy, “why are you being rude to her?” and he said, “cause she’s littler and she wants this toy.” I said, “well so? You’re smaller than me, is it fair that I be mean to you too?”He replied, “no, I wouldn’t like that.” “So then lets share with her,” I said.

By my last day there was no boy punching a girl in the face, (that happened on my first day and the little girl got yelled at for crying before the teachers even knew what really happened!) and there was no one being picked on. Everyone played together and it was fun. I really hope it’s still like that.

My point is we don’t realize what affect these kinds of things have on kids, through these experiences idols are created that follow children into adulthood and they don’t go away until the child is old enough to identify and actively eliminate them. It’s our job, as adults, to nip bullying in the bud when we see it happening. Level with the kids, don’t jump to conclusions and start yelling. They’re not doing things because they’re bad kids, they’re doing things because it makes sense to them. Show them why it doesn’t make sense and why it’s wrong.

I wasn’t confident in myself until high school when my basketball coach told me, “if you shoot you have a 50% chance of making it, if you don’t you have a 0% chance.” I was a forward with no confidence. I was useless. But when he said that to me, I got the courage to shoot (I still wasn’t a very good basketball player though haha,) through basketball my self esteem went up and I tried volleyball too, then competitive cheerleading. And I wasn’t afraid to be amazing at track or at writing, I no longer felt like I needed to apologize for being great at something:

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

Even though I am way more confident now, that little, insecure girl creeps back in every once in a while and I am reminded of my past and it can torture me and make feel just as insecure as I did then if I do not remind myself that my life is not about me, it is about serving others in the name of God. It is about using my talents to serve. When my friend sent me a text about my blog the other day I realized that I am serving just by writing and not being afraid of what others will think of what I write.

Being bullied made me tough, but it also made me lonely and lowered my self-image. It made me feel unloved and it made me make an idol out of something that is supposed to be a beautiful gift.

Something is safe for us to maintain in our lives only if it has really stopped being an idol.

That can happen only when we are truly willing to live without it, when we truly say from the heart:

‘Because I have God, I can live without you.’ (20).