Biggest Lesson So Far

It has been 10 months since I’ve taken the vow to not date for a year and here’s the most important thing I’ve learned:
Getting married isn’t in God’s plan.
God would rather us be single than get married because marriage is a distraction from our relationship with Him. In Cru they teach us that we’ll never be less busy than we are now which is why now is the perfect time to build a strong foundation with Him.
But here’s the kicker that really hit home to me: every relationship experience has been my fault. Every heartbreak, every embarrassment, every mistake and every thrill, all me.
When I came to that realization I cried, and not just cried I sobbed because that meant all of my pain is my own fault, it wasn’t part of God’s plan for my life, not fate, not destiny just results of my own choices. It was only my positive outlook that gave me the illusion that they were God’s plan at work.
The reality is God has bigger plans for me, He’s not worried about my love life and &es not trying to find my mr right. He’s planning my walk with Him not my walk with some man. He’s not matchmaker, He’s the Lord.
Our relationships are our own business and our own faults. We have freedom to choose. We choose to ask someone on a date or to say yes or no to an offer, we choose to stay in a relationship and see through the rough patches or to get out of it, we choose to stay with or dump a cheater or liar or abuser, we choose to say yes or no to a proposal and we choose to say I do or I don’t. We choose to see a marriage through or to call it quits. Our heartache, our relationship drama, our loves, our losses, our thrills and our terrors are all because of decisions we’ve made.
I believe the reason we don’t see love this way (as a choice) is because it’s so logical and not very romantic and because when we get burned it’s easier to blame someone or something else rather than ourselves. When we get hurt it’s easier to say it was fate or in God’s plan or it was the other person’s fault rather than to take a look at ourselves and say I knew better or I should’ve said no, it was my decision.
So, after I realized that my relationship status and my pain are all my fault I decided to change. I believe the definition of insanity is to try the same thing over and over and expect different results, or so I’ve been told. And so I’ve changed the way I look at relationships. Relationships are not neccessary, and whether I’m in one or not is my own choice. So, I choose to fall in love with a man who has chosen to fall in love with me and with God.
In short, the biggest lesson I’ve learned so far is love is a choice and our pain is a cost. We get to decide if the cost is too high to stay in love.

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My First Kiss

I was thinking and I never told you guys about my first kiss. This is a blog about all things love so it’s only fitting I tell you about it.

You know how there’s that look and then he grabs you by the waist gently and looks you deep into your eyes and you start to tremble and get those butterflies and then his lips barely touch yours and you feel like you’re floating and you close your eyes and time stops. Then you open them and you feel like you’re dreaming?

Yeah, wasn’t like that for me at all. This glorified first kiss thing has got to stop. Stop it Hollywood, you’re getting our hopes up! Now, I’m not saying that they’re all not like that but I haven’t heard any real life stories that were like that.

Unlike most girls my first kiss was fairly recent. I wasn’t allowed to date in high school and since I was terrified of disobeying my dad I didn’t date. So I had a lot of catching up to do when college rolled around.

I met this guy at a charity ball, he was going away to boot camp for the Marine Corps after the weekend. I was immediately attracted to him when he entered the room, our eyes locked and my goodness I got butterflies. Sounds like a movie doesn’t it? But unlike the Hollywood tales we did not have an “adult sleepover” and although I was invited to an “after party” of his I didn’t go.

He was charming, he made me laugh and he was sweet to me and he wouldn’t take his eyes off of me the whole night. I hate being stared at but when it’s a cute guy it makes you feel special. We danced and he stared into my eyes and had his hands in respectable places. So far it sounds so cliche I’m starting to wonder if it really happened or if it was just from a movie I watched.

Anyway, he actually brought alcohol in a flask because he was told there would just be punch at the party. I thought it was funny and I was immediately drawn to him. My friends saw what was happening and warned me about his bad boy rep.

Tisk, tisk didn’t they know good girls love bad boys.

I was even more attracted to him after I found out about his past. And, I mean how bad could he be he was at a charity ball for crying out loud. I confronted him about it and he said it was all true, the sex, drugs, money and moving out of his parents’ house and being on his own since 16 but, he said he wanted to be a “better man.” Now I don’t know what it is ladies but when we hear that something in us goes ‘AWWW.’

Even though I was clearly into the guy I thought it was a chance encounter and snuck away from the party and went home. He was getting increasingly drunk and when guys get drunk they get clingy, not my thing. But I was still kind of into him but I knew he was leaving for bootcamp so I thought nothing of it but a great night with a fun guy.

A few months later we reconnected and long story short he asked me out, I said sure why not because it was summer and I was bored. But since he’s in the Marines we hardly ever saw each other so we didn’t actually have our first kiss until months after we started dating.

He came to visit because he was home for a few days before he had to go again. I saw him walking toward me and I got butterflies, just like the movies. I hugged him and feeling his arms around me was the best feeling ever, just like the movies. But we didn’t kiss. Not yet. He came into the room and we watched a movie and he laid on the bed and asked me if I was cold. I of course said no because I wasn’t but my friend was there and she was like that means he wants to cuddle and he said, “yeah, that’s where I was going with that.” I was slightly embarrassed by my inexperience with this type of stuff. I mean, he should have just said he wanted to cuddle. “Say what you mean, dammit,” that’s my motto.

Anyway, we cuddled and it was nice but then I started to get uncomfortable as he started to kiss my neck and blow in my ear. I started to think, “is he seriously trying to get frisky? Now? But, he was away in the corps for months I guess I should let him have some fun…” He started groping me and touching me and the next thing I knew he was on top of me. Still can’t figure out how that happened. He kissed me and…it was terrible. I’m sure he’s a good kisser what with all of his experience but I didn’t enjoy it. His tongue was in my mouth, he smelled like cigarettes and my eyes were open the entire time. Well, I closed them but closing them didn’t feel right so I opened them again. It was like there was a flopping fish in my mouth that tasted like an ashtray.

It wasn’t only the kiss that made my first kiss terrible I think it was the timing too. It’s hard to start off a relationship with a guy who’s in the military we never saw each other in fact, that kiss was only our second encounter. I felt like I needed to spend time with him more, go on a few dates at least before I let him grope me. And that was another thing, the groping, he knew I was saving myself for marriage but he had never been with a girl like me so going slow wasn’t something he grasped very well. I always thought the first kiss would be sweet, timid, gentle but instead it was wet, aggressive, passionate. Passion before you’re ready for it is not a good thing. I was expecting him to ease into it but there he was on top of me full throttle.

Later we had more problems, even though he said he wanted to be a better man and not have sex again until it was with a girl that matters. I really wanted to believe him but eventually I was forced to confront the truth when he said what I’d wished he would have just told me from the very beginning, “I don’t think I can be in a sexless relationship. And I know I can’t be faithful when I’m away.” What a waste of time.

Now I understand how hard it must be for a guy with a bad boy rep to try and be with a girl with a good girl rep. But, I did ask him if he thought he could handle dating a girl like me whose saving it for the white dress and he said yeah because he liked me not just my body. Ladies, they all say that. I’ve dated 4 or 5 guys and every single one has said the exact same thing but when it comes down to it, if you have to ask you already know the real answer… you’re just hoping he doesn’t say it. The real answer is he wants to say yes and mean it and maybe he does for a little while, but common sense tells you that a bad boy isn’t going to just give up his bad boy ways on a whim. It’ll take time and personal growth and restructuring and unfortunately, that doesn’t involve us.

You want to date a guy with a bad boy rep but you’re afraid it won’t work out?

Solution: Don’t date him. See how serious he is about being a better man on his own because if he doesn’t want to change for himself he’s not going to change for you. Lesson learned.