Biggest Lesson So Far

It has been 10 months since I’ve taken the vow to not date for a year and here’s the most important thing I’ve learned:
Getting married isn’t in God’s plan.
God would rather us be single than get married because marriage is a distraction from our relationship with Him. In Cru they teach us that we’ll never be less busy than we are now which is why now is the perfect time to build a strong foundation with Him.
But here’s the kicker that really hit home to me: every relationship experience has been my fault. Every heartbreak, every embarrassment, every mistake and every thrill, all me.
When I came to that realization I cried, and not just cried I sobbed because that meant all of my pain is my own fault, it wasn’t part of God’s plan for my life, not fate, not destiny just results of my own choices. It was only my positive outlook that gave me the illusion that they were God’s plan at work.
The reality is God has bigger plans for me, He’s not worried about my love life and &es not trying to find my mr right. He’s planning my walk with Him not my walk with some man. He’s not matchmaker, He’s the Lord.
Our relationships are our own business and our own faults. We have freedom to choose. We choose to ask someone on a date or to say yes or no to an offer, we choose to stay in a relationship and see through the rough patches or to get out of it, we choose to stay with or dump a cheater or liar or abuser, we choose to say yes or no to a proposal and we choose to say I do or I don’t. We choose to see a marriage through or to call it quits. Our heartache, our relationship drama, our loves, our losses, our thrills and our terrors are all because of decisions we’ve made.
I believe the reason we don’t see love this way (as a choice) is because it’s so logical and not very romantic and because when we get burned it’s easier to blame someone or something else rather than ourselves. When we get hurt it’s easier to say it was fate or in God’s plan or it was the other person’s fault rather than to take a look at ourselves and say I knew better or I should’ve said no, it was my decision.
So, after I realized that my relationship status and my pain are all my fault I decided to change. I believe the definition of insanity is to try the same thing over and over and expect different results, or so I’ve been told. And so I’ve changed the way I look at relationships. Relationships are not neccessary, and whether I’m in one or not is my own choice. So, I choose to fall in love with a man who has chosen to fall in love with me and with God.
In short, the biggest lesson I’ve learned so far is love is a choice and our pain is a cost. We get to decide if the cost is too high to stay in love.


Finally Free

It has been officially 6 months since I decided to stop dating for a year! Woohoo! I recently got hurt yet again by my ex who I was just friends with,, but trying to remain friends with him did more harm than good. I think I was just holding on because I was afraid of what would happen if I finally let go. What if I never find anyone else? What if he starts dating someone before I do? What if he gets engaged all of a sudden? I like to say I don’t live my life based off what ifs because then I’d never do anything so I had to walk the walk and cut him off.

What happened this time: He knows what a big deal sex is to me and my feelings for him but he decided to yet again fool around with other girls and ignore me. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t mad. I was just fed up. I’m tired of the push and pull. This isn’t the first time he has chosen the possibility of fooling around over being with me. That’s why we broke up in the first place but I just kept hoping he would mature and change. I finally decided that I do deserve someone who loves me more than his own urges and that I do deserve to be treated with respect. So I wished him the best of luck and told him I didn’t want to talk to him ever again and instead of feeling sad like I thought I would I feel good and like a weight has been lifted because I no longer have to continuously forgive someone who has hurt me so many times and I no longer have to try and be who he wants or what he wants and do things to make him happy. I live for a God who accepts me regardless of my faults and who doesn’t hurt me so who am I to give a lesser man power over my happiness and my purpose?

I do feel like crying a little just because I am hurt and I really, really tried to make things work and I felt like I gave myself to him and his happiness but I literally can’t cry because I just can’t help but feel relief that I no longer have to tip toe around to try not to make him angry and I no longer have to please someone who didn’t appreciate me at all. I can finally really allow God to mend my broken heart.

All in all I’m glad I went through this experience because it has taught me about God’s love and about love in general. Plus, now I’ll know a good man when I have him and I’ll appreciate him all the more.

These lyrics speak my relationship, enjoy.

My “Wicked”

I had a realization. I think another reason that I sought or seek love from men is because I subconsciously was trying to be like “that girl”: I have never been and will never be the girl who turns heads when she walks into a room, I don’t come out of relationships with guys lining up to date me, I’m not gorgeous, I’m not hot, I am not an extrovert, and, I don’t understand things like, when a guy asks you if you’re cold he really means he wants you to lay down next to him. Instead, I say things like, “no, I’m actually not cold, which is really weird cause I usually am,” and continue to watch the movie. Guys have to say what they mean to me because I don’t speak this secret language that everyone else just seems to get! Once, a guy asked me if I was talking to anyone and I said, “ummm I’m talking to you right now and I was texting my friend like a minute ago…”

Maybe there’s a guy out there who will appreciate that. Maybe there’s a guy who can appreciate that I’d get nervous even if he looks at me, or that I would much rather stay in on Friday nights and watch movies on Netflix than party, that I go out of my way to try new things, that I’m really weird and make random noises when it’s too quiet, or that I’m a total nerd who gets excited about things like volunteering or looking at microorganisms or dissecting things, or that I stare at bugs sometimes because I think they’re cool. And maybe there’s someone who can accept my worst qualities too, like how I can be a bit obnoxious, or how, if I disagree with someone I’m not shy to voice my opinion and stand my ground-I can be stubborn, or how being around new people makes me nervous, or that I put off the first kiss for as long as I can because even thinking about kissing makes me nervous.

Maybe there’s no one for me at all and I just have to figure out a way to make that alright in my head. I have plenty of distractions; I have school, Cru, SAGE (student alliance for a greener environment,) I am a volunteer coach for a cheer team for children with special needs, I am a court appointed special advocate-in training, I might get a job at the YMCA (I was told by a man that works there that I should look into it because of my diverse background in sports), I’m working on internship applications, and yet, nothing can distract me from this feeling that I have, this feeling that companionship is not part of God’s plan for me. I hope that I’m wrong, feelings can be misleading, but, I just can’t shake it. People tell me that I’m going to make a great wife one day or a great mother one day and I totally agree but, I have a feeling I’m not going to get that. It’s not necessarily a bad or sad thing, it’s just a little sad for me right now because I am family oriented and I’ve always known that’s what I want. This could totally be an Abraham thing where God takes away my dreams temporarily to test me, but I don’t know, I just have a feeling…

I think the way I deal with this is not by ignoring it or by distracting myself, but, by taking a head on approach. I’ve just got to sit down and tell myself, “look, you’re not ‘that girl,’ you’ve always wanted to be, but you’re not. You’re Elphaba and whether there’s a Fiyero or not, you’ve just got to accept it. Accept it.” I think I can do that. After all, Elphaba is my favorite character in my favorite musical, but even Elphie gets her Fiyero…

Hmm, maybe I need a new favorite character in a new favorite musical…