It’s Over

I know it has been a long time since I posted anything but when the year without dating ended I felt that I had said all I needed and wanted to say but recent events have made me realize there’s so much more that needs to be said so I will say it all here in this post. That being said this will be my last post on this blog, I may start another but who knows…

Recently my last grandmother passed away leaving me with one grandparent left. She used to give me so much advice about writing and staying creative in a world made for left brains and sticking to and stretching out my right brained talents no matter what and to challenge them. She also gave me a lot of spiritual advice as well that really resonated with me. The night before she passed away I had not known she was going to die yet but I was compelled to write in my journal and the things I wrote were as if she was speaking straight to me. The prayer at the end of my journal log was especially scary to read back after I got the news that she had passed because I seriously felt that death was going to happen soon, I just thought it might be me… It’s weird how I wrote things that she had been telling me all along about God and love and life hours prior to her death…anyway here’s what I wrote:

For the first time ever I feel like everything will be alright. I’ve spent my whole relationship with God in fear and worry. I, like Job, have been secretly afraid that God would take everything from me and give me nothing, or, give only to take from me. My whole relationship up until now has been me walking on egg shells, treading carefully along hoping not to break one for fear of His wrath. I could never find peace because I was always afraid; I spent my life waiting for the other shoe to drop because nothing seemed to be good or go well for too long in my life. I spent the majority of my childhood being afraid; afraid to go to school, afraid of my father’s wrath, afraid no one would ever love me. Whenever anything good happened misery came like a thief in the night, stealing any glimmer of happiness I had.

But now everything is going well, everything I’ve asked for I’ve received because as soon as I stopped being scared, as soon as I stopped being worried, as soon as I put all my eggs in the basket of trust for God He gave me everything I ever asked for, everything I ever wanted and everything I ever dreamed.

I spent my life feeling unloved and lost and then one day I fell in love with God. I understood Him as a father to the fatherless, mother to the motherless, husband to the widow, etc.  Whereas before He was the one who gives to take back.  In falling in love with Him I have found peace because I know that even if His plan for my life is different than mine that I would be okay. Once I finally came to the realization that God is all I need and once I really felt that and was happy and content in my heart, He gave me everything I had been praying about; He gave me what literally every need-based prayer was about; He gave me love which I found through Him and I feel whole. What’s funny is as soon as I felt my need for love was filled He pulled a rabbit out of the hat and sent me a man.

I have been dating a friend of mine who has been a close friend for 2 years, after my year of dating was over he confessed his feelings for me and though I had a lot of reservations about whether or not this was part of God’s plan for me I came around after about a month of prayer and talking about it with different people and I know now that I made the right choice.  In addition to this, my family is doing better; my brother’s dreams are coming true right before our eyes, my dad after being laid off for about 5 years has finally landed a job he enjoys and that treats him well and though we still have a lot of bills to pay and though we still struggle I am sure we will pull through by the grace of God, and I am finishing up my last couple of semesters in college and moving on to grad school where I plan to get an MA in IO Psych and an MBA.  This was one of the toughest academic semesters I’ve had to face because I took statistics II and with a lot, a lot, A LOT  of work and prayer I pushed through, I feel unstoppable.

What I’m saying is I’m not happy. Happiness is a temporary state of emotion, I am fulfilled! It took me giving up my struggle to run my own life to finally feel this way. Once I was content and happy with whatever God gave me, once I was able to give Him glory through the storms and the sunshine He gave me extra, He gave me what I didn’t even need but had been asking for just to prove He cares and that He listens and that He hasn’t been ignoring me all those years. When you delight yourself in the Lord He gives you the desires of your heart, that doesn’t mean just pray and read your Bible because if it did every believer would feel the way I do right now and that sadly isn’t the case. What it means is to be content and happy with what you have and pray for what you don’t, in hard times don’t curse God and say He is ignoring you instead understand that His plan is greater than you can fathom and that what you see is a snapshot of a greater picture. Whenever I feel defeated I say the song lyric, “though my heart is torn I will praise you through the storm” and it not only is a prayer to God but a reminder to myself that He sees, He listens, He’s there, He cares, He’s planning and He loves me. This is why people pray but say they haven’t received what they’re asking for, they haven’t delighted themselves in the Lord and He is holding what they want until their heart is  ready to receive what He has to give.

For the first time in my life I am not afraid of the Lord taking everything from me because I willingly give it all to Him. I understand His love for me and not only know but feel now that He won’t hurt me. Job had to learn that lesson the hard way’ the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh  but He gives only when our hearts are truly ready to receive and He takes only when our fear of Him taking away our possessions is greater than our trust, love and glory for Him.

My prayer:

Dear Lord,

I just thank you for everything. Thank you for every little and big thing; thank you for my brother’s opportunities, my parents’ struggles and fights through every obstacle, thank you for Nate being in my life, who would’ve thought that random kid at that party would become so important to me, thank you that things are going well with school. I thank you for everything I’ve gone through; every single struggle, every disappointment, every heart break because it has brought me to this place of fulfillment. Every night and day spent crying, every ounce of abuse I’ve endured I thank you for. Every tear and every hurt has lead me closer to understanding who You are. It all makes sense and  I’ve never seen my life so clear as I do right now. There’s a reason we praise you through the storm, because the storm just means we’re one day closer to the sunshine and clarity of what it was all for. I’m having the kind of clarity that I feel one has before they die and while tomorrow is not guaranteed I know this is only the beginning.

Amen.

 

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My Dream Book

I’ve started a new section in my journal for goals and dreams and such. It’s supposed to help you have a clearer vision of where you want to be in life and the more you think about and envision what you want, the more you subconsciously and consciously start to make decisions that will get you there. Here is what I’ve started with, I’m sure I’ll add more as time goes by.

524046_568916503138984_549097110_n Well first and foremost I want a pet monkey and I will name him/her Faden!

547638_554746397879892_1357700426_n So I probably don’t want a bed exactly like this but this is kind of sweet.

292  Instead of a  father/daughter dance, I think I want a father/daughter performance at my wedding. He has been trying to get me to sing with him since I was little.

60596_489210884479449_1773695498_n  A home with a view

68528_490890424311495_625019929_n Vacations like this!

223109_514869195194374_846726910_n  To fall in love

537276_490892174311320_851571139_n  To eat at this restaurant!

SS_10_Weird_But_Wonderful_Homes_Foam_Home_MN This is a house! Like the bed, I’m not sure I want a house like this but I do want one that’s unique and one of a kind. Whenever I do decide to stay somewhere long enough to actually own a house there, it’ll be weird like this one.

_DSC3578  To be fully immersed in the Lord and follow His path for my life.

indy To go to more Cru parties and “geek” it out with more believers!

_DSC3670  To touch lives and be touched by others’ lives. I want to make a difference and I want to make friends that last a lifetime.

602092_491457787588092_1187776937_n  Never to feel insignificant.

images  To travel, volunteer, and spread the message of God’s love through my life, in my own way, through the gifts that I’ve been blessed with.

yellow-ribbon-dog-tag  To get my non-profit organization, TAGGS off the ground. My goal is to pay for the counseling services of at least 100 veterans a year to help them transition back into civilian life in a healthy way. This will lower drug/alcohol dependency, mental health disorders, and homelessness in the veteran population.

400145_2973066338484_477301874_n                   522310_10151239878697628_1126782612_n

2568_73192141123_3579677_n  I’ve been a cheerleader for a few years, I started off doing competitive cheer in high school and I never really thought it was fair that only some kids get to experience competitive cheer because it’s super expensive. In fact, there were girls who got $30,000 cars for Christmas at 16 I was just happy to get my $1500 car lol. So what I want to do is open my own gym and be able to pay gym dues and tumbling lessons for kids whose families can’t afford it but are still interested in competitive cheer. I love all things cheer and being a cheerleader has changed me in a lot of ways. Plus, since my college team doesn’t compete I’ve kind of been missing the competition life so it’ll be fun to get back into.

   Kind of corny but I have always wanted to be serenaded lol. Also, I want this as my wedding song one day

So some of these I don’t have much control over and the rest are a little ambitious, so I’ll start small, I’m getting my monkey.

Break the Mold

The video below talks about EXACTLY what I’ve been saying for the longest time! I see my friends stress over grades and keeping their 4.0 and for a while I bought into and felt like a failure if I didn’t get a good grade. I’d get mad at myself, my teachers, and friends who did better. And if I got one of the highest grades I would walk around like I was holier than thou. But our self worth is not dependent on what society has tried to make us believe.

My freshman year of college was hell. Literally just bad thing after bad thing: I went to a school in New York and quickly discovered I’m a small town girl and got into some drama which is rare because usually I stay out of it. I literally had a suite mater threaten to knock my out, I had suitemates who would literally go behind their friends and boyfriends’ backs and cheat with each others boyfriends or other guys on campus. Then when I finally transferred schools I got extremely sick. I was blacking out, could hardly walk, I felt like I was dying because I was like that for a couple months. Once I finally got better I had to have a bunch of meetings with teachers and administration about my grades which obviously weren’t good since I could hardly walk to the bathroom so of course I didn’t go to class! Then as I was walking back from a terrible meeting (I was told that I was being put on academic probation) I got a call from my mom telling me that my grandmother had just died. Wonderful. She was an amazing woman, she knew me better than I know myself and just like that she was gone and I wasn’t even with my family to grieve. So I obviously missed more school to be with my family and go to the funeral.

That summer was hell. I felt like my whole world was falling apart; my GPA had fallen tremendously, I was losing hair, one of the most important people in my life died, and despite my good health record I was still sick and in and out of the doctors office with scares of possibly needing a cat scan and a bunch of other tests. I think I prayed to God that He would spare me the bullshit and end my life a bunch of times. Everything, literally EVERYTHING that I had ever depended on to get me anywhere in life was taken from me all at once. In the blink of an eye, gone. Freshman year of college is supposed to be fun and you’re supposed to party and make friends, explore campus activities, etc. I think I went to one party. One. It was the worst year of my life and when summer hit I barely came out of my room because I didn’t want to live quite honestly. What pissed me off the most was the way the school treated me, all of these things happened in the span of a few months, keep in mind and they acted as if I still could have somehow came to all of my classes and done well on all tests. Are you fucking kidding me!? I seriously remember telling my biology teacher that I needed to go home for my grandmother’s funeral and that my health hadn’t been so well and she looked me in the eyes and pretty much told me my grade is my fault and I shouldn’t be missing so much class. Are you kidding me bitch? Luckily, I have wonderful parents who called a few of my teachers and chewed their asses out, it didn’t help my GPA but it did make me feel a little better that my parents had my back.

When my dad called to try and appeal my grade the administration said they only make exceptions for death to a member of the household. Really? So it wasn’t enough that I was bedridden for 2 months or that my high school GPA was good or that my first semester GPA at my other school was outstanding, no, you only make exceptions for household deaths. You have no idea how much I wanted to burn this school to the fucking ground.

But eventually I realized I’m still alive, I’m still me. Even though everything important to me had been taken away, I’m still here. That had to mean something. So I got out of my room and decided I’m not going to let a bunch of people who don’t know me or my story tell me who I am. My GPA does not define me, even though my body seemed to be giving up on me I didn’t let my health define me either. I decided to show the school that, no, I don’t have a 4.0 but that doesn’t mean anything. All a 4.0 means is that you’re really good at memorizing shit that doesn’t matter and kissing ass. I came back to campus and rubbed elbows with the president of the school, vice president, and other administrators not because of my GPA but because I was proactive and decided to do things my way. And do you know what they told me just based off one conversation? They told me how sharp I am and that they want me to stay at this school. They told me the world needs more people like me and that I’m a problem solver and a leader.

Take that Bio-bitch.

My point in all this ranting is that our society has become impersonal. Our educators care more about their damn tests than what’s happening in their students’ lives. Even though that was the worst year of my life I’m glad it all happened because if it hadn’t I wouldn’t have learned the lessons that God was trying to teach me:

-my favorite verse, Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” In a time where I wanted to die that was and actually still is extremity comforting. Amen to that.

-after my grandmother died I cam across this brass sailboat at the mall that had these words embroidered on it, “The Will of God will never lead you where the Grace of God cannot keep you.” It was like He was right next to me with His hand on my back saying, “I know the tides are rough right now and you feel scared and helpless but you will get through this.” So I obviously had to buy it.

-don’t let them tell me who I am. When someone tries to tell me who I am and where I’m going and what I need to do, I can now look them in the eyes, and say, “I don’t live to serve you, I’ll not only tell you who I am but I’ll show you and believe me, I know where I’m going.”

-I realized that the only one I should try to please is God because when the shit hits the fan and your friends and family don’t understand the pain you’re going through He’s the only One still there holding your hand saying, “we’ll get through this

There’s this video that someone put on facebook that just preaches everything I’ve been trying to teach people through my own experience. The gist of it is, hate school, love education and don’t let anyone else decide who you are and where you’re going. I highly recommend you watch and share.

C’est la vie

This semester I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m going to do with my life and my degree. I’m at the end of my Junior year already, it’s getting scary!

We had our annual spring choir concert tonight and I am sad it’s over. I still have 3 more semesters with the choir but knowing certain people are seniors and are leaving kind of makes me sad because I know I’ll never sing with this particular group again! 😦

Before every concert all 80 of us get in a huge circle for some jokes and inspirational music-related quotes then the seniors share about their time with choir. I almost cried a few times because this has definitely been my favorite group! One of my closest friends from cheer leading is graduating and my roommate is graduating as well! 😦 Sad day!

Listening to all of the seniors share about how being a part of chorale has changed their lives made me think back to when I joined as a sophomore. I remember being so nervous at my audition and then so nervous at my first practice with the choir. I remember getting so frustrated because I couldn’t read music and I walked out of practice a few times and told my friends I didn’t think I was good enough to be in the choir. Everyone was so welcoming to me and told me not to quit and not to give up and that I made it past auditions so I must be good enough. The choir director, the people in choir, even our accompanist offered to help me learn to read music and if all else fails play it by ear. I stuck with it and I’m so glad I did because even though I’m still really shy about singing in front of people being in choir has given me so much confidence. I started choir singing like a mouse now I’m one of the loudest in my section lol.

I’ve been singing since I was able to talk but the first time I fell in love with musical theater was when I was in high school and me and my best friend went to see Wicked which is now my favorite musical. I remember starting college resenting my parents because I wanted to be a musical theatre major and they told me there wasn’t many jobs in musical theater for black people. My brother defended me and told them they should let me because he thought I was a really good singer and a good actor, but my parents said they didn’t have money to throw away on me studying a dead art that wouldn’t get me work. I argued that if  I go to a school known for their alumni I’d get a job, they didn’t want to hear it. I know they enjoy hearing me sing but this situation just made me feel like they didn’t believe that I could and that I wasn’t good enough, so I stepped away from the theater and away from music but I guess I couldn’t stay away; I got involved in theater again, took a piano class, and joined choir. My sophomore year I and a group of students went to see Billy Elliot and it was like I fell in love all over again. All I could think about was how much I wanted to be on stage. People don’t expect this from me because I’m really shy and quiet but I love musical theater because I think the art of it is that when the actor has run out of words to explain the way they feel, they sing. Simply speaking doesn’t do their feelings justice. I love how I can feel what they feel when they sing and I love acting because I like being someone else and since I’m so reserved it’s fun to portray a character that is so unlike me.

So my parents and I reached a compromise, they told me not to be a major but to be a scholar and if, after I graduate I still want to go to AMDA I’d have to pay for it myself. Maybe I will because no matter how much I stay away from the theater and how much I stay away from music it finds me and I’m drawn to it anyway and it’s like I never stopped. It’s an unexplainable feeling, it’s as if you’re so happy you could die right now and you feel like your life is complete. You know what you’re supposed to be doing.

I am so confused!! This is what I know:

  • I love to travel
  • I love to sing
  • I love to act
  • I love being on stage
  • I love helping people
  • I love working with non-profits
  • I love fundraising
  • I love psychology
  • I love watching musicals, my favorites are Wicked, Memphis, Billy Elliot, Kiss Me Kate, and Gypsy
  • I love kids (why I wanted to be a teacher, then a pediatric nurse, then open my own cheer gym, then adopt children lol)
  • I love cheering
  • I love sports (why I wanted to be a coach)
  • I love cooking and feeding people -why I wanted to be a chef, and my food is awesome, everyone says so lol 🙂
  • I love to write poetry and short stories
  • I love more things but I can’t think of them right now

The point that I am trying to make is that I’m a very diverse person, I hate school because I hate waking up everyday with a schedule, knowing what the day will bring: wake up at 7:30, class at 8, break at 9, class from 10-12, lunch at 12, lab at 1, choir at 3. every mon wed frid, it’s always the same boring ass shit, going to classes that bore the hell out of me sitting there thinking why the fuck would I care about the circulatory system of a damn fish? Am I going to be a marine biologist? Hell no! I had to get up for this? Seriously? I hate school. I like not having plans and going where the day takes me. I’m the kind of person who has an achin for some bacon and gets up and goes to the store just to buy bacon. I seriously did that once in the middle of the night lol.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do in life and I think that’s the point, I think that God gives us gifts and appreciations for things and that it’s a sin to ignore them. If you’re a dancer, dance, if you’re a singer, sing! If you’re like me and have a hell of a lot of interests, do all of them! I’m a psychology major who sings, dances, cheers, coaches, fund-raises, advocates for non-profits, started her own non-profit, and cooks. Maybe one day I will go back to school and study musical theater, maybe I won’t; maybe I’ll write musicals, maybe I won’t; maybe I’ll open my own competitive cheer gym, maybe I won’t; maybe I’ll go to culinary school for the hell of it, maybe I won’t; maybe I will travel to London and go to the Adelphi Theatre (I really, really want to so I won’t even say maybe I won’t because I’d better!)

We don’t know what life will bring us, we just know what we enjoy and I think it is a shame that so many people go through life thinking we have to choose just one thing and stay with it for the rest of our lives. How are we supposed to do that!? We are all dynamic and we should all be able to explore our interests freely. One of my psych professors talked about how in some countries people major in what they love and make money from it but how in the U.S people major in something they can tolerate so that they can make money from it. That’s our idea of happiness. What a shame because in their 40s they realize it’s all a lie, my dad is starting to realize this now actually, they’re not happy with their picket fence and their dog and keeping up with the Jonses. It’s a system that needs to change because all it gives us is a bunch of stressed out people who aren’t happy and aren’t fulfilled teaching their children to be the same. It’s so rare that you find parents telling their children to embrace what they love and fully supporting their dreams. When I changed to psychology my cousin looked at me and said, “can I strangle you? You know how much psychologists make, right?” I said I refuse to live my life thinking, “what if” and being afraid to live. I’d rather enjoy what I study than be miserable now so that I can be a rich and miserable person later. WTF kind of sense does that make? I’m young, I want to live, if I have kids I’ll teach them to do the same. I’m a Christian and I believe that if you follow God’s plan for you, which contrary to popular belief is usually what you love doing because it is God who put that in your heart, then you will be okay. People will talk till their blue in the face about Jesus and God and blah blah blah but look at their lives, if they live a life of worry and fear, they’re not living like a true believer and I point that out to them and they are silent. This is what a Christian is, this is what we are supposed to do,

Romans 12:2-do not be conformed to the world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. That by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

So many people think that verse is about caving into lust and greed and what not but it is about life in general! WE ARE NOT OF THE WORLD, SO WE NEED TO LIVE LIKE IT! So often people can’t tell the difference between a believer and a non-believer because the lifestyles are so similar. A believer does what they love because it was God who put that love in our hearts in the first place, a believer doesn’t worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself, a believer IS different. But so often we see Christians who are the exact opposite of all of those things!

I’m so tired of people telling me what to major in, how to live, what to say, how to act, and what is good and acceptable and perfect. What is good and acceptable and perfect is what is in my heart because it was put there my The Perfect One, Himself. I say this to my parents all the time, “do not worry about me, your job is done, I answer to God now.” But telling parents not to worry is like telling them not to breathe.

I don’t know where life will lead me but I follow my heart and thus follow God in doing so. The beauty of life is that we tell God our plans and He laughs at them and says, You think you know, but you have no idea.

That’s why I’m a Christian, I love knowing I don’t know.

There’s More to Life than…

There has got to be more to life than majoring in something that is kind of interesting to go to classes that are bring and stressful to get a job that you can tolerate.

I talked to one of my friends who graduated from grad school a couple years ago and he is now working a job he can at least stand. I told him about how unmotivated and bored I am with school and he told me to suck it up and that we all have to do it. We all have to be unhappy now so that we can be okay later because that’s the way our society is set up.

Well I don’t want to be okay, I want to be amazing. I want to learn things I can’t learn in a classroom, I want to see things average people don’t and I want to touch lives and change people and be changed by people. I don’t see the point in staying in school at this point because I am so bored and unmotivated. 

There’s more to life than tests and papers, there’s more to life than marriage and babies, and there’s more to life than getting a tolerable job. Basically, there is more to life than “the American dream” and I want to experience and see the more in life.

 

Everybody Loves a Fraud, Nobody Loves a Winner

I was watching one of my favorite shows, “Make it or Break it,” I know that it’s no longer on TV but I re-watch the episodes sometimes on Netflix, anyway, one of the girls said something that really resonated with me, she said that she feels like an imposter and like at any moment everyone was going to find her out, and that is exactly how I’ve felt for a long time. I don’t even remember when I started feeling this way but I remember having said it a few times and thinking it again recently. I’ve never tried to figure out why I feel this way but maybe it’s time I do.

I’ve felt like I’m not pretty enough for as long as I can remember. Seriously. The moment I started liking boys they didn’t like me and even when my parents’ friends say how beautiful they think I am I just think they are being nice to schmooze my parents. Even during my time as an athlete when some of the girls would compliment my physique I never thought much of it. I always just thought it was girls being girls-shallow, empty compliments that some girls say to get more friends or more popularity. When people tell me how good they think I look I feel like I’ve somehow fooled them into thinking I’m beautiful because I don’t feel like I am. And when I tried modeling every thought in my head that told me I’m not pretty enough and not worthy of what I want was confirmed. They didn’t like my look. They said I was a natural, like I’d been modelling for years but that my look wasn’t right. I went to other agencies but it was always the same thing. What can you do about the way you look other than lose weight? Don’t worry, I didn’t develop an eating disorder, but it was a huge blow to my confidence in my looks. They assured me that just because my look isn’t right this season doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be right next season. They encouraged me to keep trying and to come back and to keep coming back, but the truth is, I just saw modeling as a way to get rich quick. I didn’t care at all about the business, I just wanted the money and attention. Deep down I knew that was wrong of me and deep down I knew I wanted more for myself than money. I have a directory of the best modeling agencies in the world, maybe it’s time I pass the torch to someone who really wants to model for selfless reasons. Trying to find a benevolent model, now that’s a challenge.

I also feel like I’m an imposter in the role of perfect daughter. I’ve always done what I was told. If I wanted to go somewhere and my parents said no, I wouldn’t argue about it I just obeyed. My dad said no dating in high school and though I would ask again if I could each year, when he said no I obeyed. When my dad would take clothes away from me that someone else would hand down to me, I and others would ask why and he would always say the same thing, “it’s too adult and my daughter isn’t going to be a woman before it’s her time,” he’d say the same thing when it came to make-up too until I was 15. A lot of girls would just put make up on at school and take it off before they got home, or sneak out of the house to go to a party or see a boy and for some reason me not doing those things made me a “good girl.” But in all honesty, I didn’t obey because I wanted to be good, I obeyed because I was afraid of disappointing my dad. With sports it was always me and my dad and my brother, he’s like our second coach, our personal trainer. I’m his only daughter, it has always been me and him since I was a little girl, I’ve always just wanted to make him proud. I think the bond between a daughter and father is so important and so special. I’m turning 21 in a month and with one sentence, one look of disappointment from my dad I’m still brought to tears. So you see, I wasn’t a good girl because I wanted to be good, I was a good girl because I liked the attention I got from making good choices and being obedient. People looking up to me and my daddy telling me he’s proud of me, nothing the life of a bad girl could offer me is better than that.

And now that I’m in college I’m repeatedly being told how smart, bright, or sharp I am. But I just keep thinking, if I’m so damn smart, why is my GPA not perfect? Why the hell don’t I get academic recognition? If my teachers think I’m so smart, bright, and sharp why don’t I have the rewards to prove it? I love that based off one conversation with a superior, they can see how smart I am and how much I have to offer, but I’m an athlete through and through and I’m super competitive. I want to be the best at everything I participate in. I seriously think that I work harder and have had to overcome more obstacles and have more focus than most people my age and I’ve always been that way. So when I see a friend getting some kind of recognition I get kind of jealous, I’ve worked my ass off and made sacrifices to get where I am and have had to put up with more than most people my age do. I feel like they don’t deserve it and I do, it’s wrong but I don’t care, it’s how I feel. I fight for everything, I compete for everything and I want to win. Once an athlete, always an athlete. Now that I don’t play sports anymore I apply my competitiveness to life in general. So now I’m a perfectionist, if you shoot for the moon the worst that could happen is that you land on a star, cliche, I know but I want to “win” at everything. I want to be perfect and if someone tells me that I’m smart before I’ve reached perfection I feel like they’re putting me on a pedestal I don’t deserve to stand on so I put even more pressure on myself to reach that level faster before people find out I’m not really that smart, before they find out I’m a fraud. I don’t know if I’m actually smart or if I’ve just fooled everyone into thinking that I am. It sounds silly but if I don’t have the rewards to prove to myself that I’m smart then to me, I’m not smart. For example, one of my best friends graduated with honors and we were having a conversation and I was explaining why something people do doesn’t make sense to me and he said, “honestly, not everyone is as smart as you are, you have to understand that,” and all I could think was, “if I’m so damn smart why am I not an honors kid, what makes him more deserving than me?”

Being this way has made me a more interesting person. Wanting to be the best at everything has made me more diverse, given me lots of interests, given me pretty cool stories to tell and experiences to share, keeps me busy because I always have something new to conquer, made me disciplined, dedicated, ambitious, and, focused. And honestly, it may be the reason I’ve been able to deny myself of sex, it’s a competition between mind and body, between spirit and flesh. But there’s a very huge negative, I push people away. I go through life acting like I’m competing against everyone for everything-I have found myself competing for male attention just because some other girl likes a guy, won’t even be interested in the guy it’s just the competition that drives me. It’s disgusting, it’s like a drug, competition it excites me.

I put up walls and when the going gets rough I tell the people who reach out to me that I want to be alone. I’ve always thought that letting people see you vulnerable is a sign of weakness. In my family crying is something to be ashamed of, you cry alone in your room and then you come out and act as if everything is okay until everything is okay. I have no idea how to let people see me vulnerable, it’s the same reason me and my brother got in a fight about who would pay for lunch, I didn’t want my little brother paying for me, I’m the older one I’m supposed to give him money not the other way around, I realize that this was because I am prideful, I literally get so uncomfortable when I am given anything I did not earn, I hate handouts and I think it is the most embarrassing and scary thing to admit to someone that you need their help or that you need them in general. The irony is I’ve always wanted a sister because I think sister bonds are special, I’ve always wanted someone I can tell everything to and though me and my mom are very much like sisters, there are still some things I’d rather not talk to her about. The thing is now that I have friends that I can tell anything to, I don’t know how to. When someone asks me what’s wrong I want to tell them whats wrong but it’s like a being just takes over my body and I can’t form any words but the words, “I’m fine,” or I tell them I want to be alone and I really do want to be alone to deal with my problems but that’s not healthy. I just don’t want anyone to see my weaknesses because I think they’ll use them against me because they’re my competition.

Breaking down my walls is a huge step in my Christian journey. Writing this blog is actually a huge step for me because I am confessing things that I’ve never told anyone and now they’re available for whoever chooses to read about them. I know that God does not want us to be the way that I am, He created us to be social beings, to be dependent on one another and on Him and how, if I get married, can I be a good wife if I’m closed off and competing against my husband? I have to learn how to be a team player and though I’ve played many team sports there’s still a level of independence in the sports, you’re not only competing against the other team but you’re competing for a starting spot or in my case, competing to be the best sprinter on the team and I focused more on that than my team.

My competitiveness is more of a problem than I thought and I didn’t even know that pride is one of my problem areas. But I still don’t know why I feel like a fraud in my own life…maybe my high expectations to be perfect and my inability to reach perfection leaves me feeling fraudulent? I don’t know but I certainly don’t need to figure it all out today.