Something Everyone Should Know About Me

I’m shy. This makes dating sooo hard because I’m really good once I’m on a date; I’m myself, I’m goofy and relaxed and not nervous or anxious at all. I think I’m so comfortable when I’m on dates because I know that the guy is interested in me already, that’s why we’re on a date, so now I can just have fun.

But it’s the getting to that point that scares the crap out of me! If I date a guy it’s because he made advances towards me; but let’s say it’s me who’s into a guy, I’m terrible! When I say hi to a guy I have a crush on I smile and walk away quickly because I’m terrified. It’s completely irrational, as all fears are, but I don’t know, I try and just say, “it’s easy, just talk to him, he’s nice,” but once I’m in the situation everything in me tells me to run quickly in the opposite direction, I think I’ve lost a lot of potential guys this way. I have always thought that if he were “the right guy” or if he’s that into me he’d just try and get to know me and be more aggressive. But why would a guy try and get to know me if I can hardly say hi? What about that would keep anyone interested? How would he even know I was interested if I don’t flirt? I’ve read all the articles; I’ve read articles on Christian flirting, shy girl flirting, young adult flirting, but none of this helps me if I can’t get passed hi lol.

And I just wish that there weren’t so many rules, like smile at him, but not too much, flirt with your eyes-glance but don’t stare, if you’re talking to him touch his arm, if he does ‘x’ then you should do ‘y.’ WTF? Why can’t I just talk to him like I do my friends? And why do I get such anxiety when I try to flirt? I’m terrible and I think I would be single even if I were trying to date right now. I’m bad at this thing everyone else just seems to get, I don’t play the game well at all, I just like being 100% honest, no games, no manipulation, no double entendre, just honesty. If a guy asks me if I’m doing anything this weekend and I’m not doing anything I’m going to say I have nothing. I’m the kind of person, where, when a friend asks me how something looks on them, I honestly say, “maybe you should change because that’s not your color” or, “that looks good, if you don’t care that people can see your cellulite.” Hello! I’m honest because I don’t know how else to be and because I expect people to be honest with me, if I say something looks good when I think it doesn’t or that I have things to do on the weekend, it’s a lie and I don’t like lies.

When I was in New York I didn’t have this problem because guys in New York are aggressive, if they want you then they go after you. Dating was so much simpler because it didn’t require me doing anything; I’d literally get hit on, on a regular basis walking to and from class: I’d get guys cutting me off my path to give me an invite to a lingerie party, I’d get walked back to my building by guys I’d never met because they wanted my number. But I don’t like city boys, I like small town, Midwestern boys and, unfortunately for me, they’re very passive. If a guy likes you around here, he’ll stare at you…a lot; he might talk to you a little bit and finally get the courage to talk to you in class or some liquid courage at a party but don’t expect much because Midwestern guys don’t make bold moves unless they’re sure the girl is into them. New York guys, on the other hand, don’t give a crap; they have this confidence that no matter what, the girl is going to be into them. You know what, even if you have a boyfriend it will not stop them from trying to get your number and trying to get to know you, believe me, I’ve used it as an excuse before. Midwestern guys require a little push, which just so happens to be something that I’m terrible at. Man, I cannot tell you how many times another girl liked the same guy as me and because I have no idea what I’m doing, I throw in the towel, stop talking to him, and let the other girl swoop in and grab all of his attention and of course because he thinks I don’t like him anymore, he takes the bate. Being “shy girl” may have been cute in high school but in college it’s terrible. And I don’t expect people to feel bad for me because I don’t feel bad for myself, I feel frustrated with myself because I’m an adult and I should be able to handle a crush. But I seriously have no idea what I’m doing: When I have a crush do I flirt with him when I see him? In front of everyone? No, that’s scary and too forward. Do I slip him a note? Are notes cute anymore?

See I’ve just been waiting for guys to be the assertive ones, but how will a guy know I’m even interested in him if I don’t do anything?

Well anyway, my shyness is something I’ve struggled with for a long time. I mean I have friends, in fact it has always been really easy for me to make friends but it has always been really hard for me to make close ones. My anxiety is like a brick wall made to protect me from certain social situations and instead of protecting me it limits me. And I have no idea how to tear it down. It’s an unexplainable phenomenon that only another shy person would understand, it’s like, you think about doing something and you’re thinking, “I’ll be fine,” then you’re in the situation and even though you’re telling yourself to stay, everything in you tells you to leave immediately. Something as simple as saying hi to a crush does this to me and I have no idea how to make it stop. And it’s the weirdest thing because if I have a class presentation I’m completely fine, I may be a little nervous but for the most part I’m okay and I’ve been told I’m a good public speaker. But then here I am, in front of a crush and I can’t form a sentence. It makes no sense! But like I said, all fear is irrational.

It’s obviously the fear of being rejected because, like I said, once I’m actually on the date I’m completely comfortable and I have a good time. And I think that I’m comfortable giving presentations because I know everyone is pretty much forced to sit there and at least pretend to listen so the pressure is off. When it comes to guys I’m crushing on I either ignore the crush and wait till it goes away or resort to technology. Technology has been like a safety net for all of us shy people, we can say what we want through text, email, Facebook, Twitter, etc. but I think it’s cowardice, like, when a guy texts me that he’s into me a part of me thinks, “oh how cute, he was too nervous to say it in person,” but a part of me says, “I just saw him 10 minutes ago, he couldn’t tell me then? What did he think I was going to do, beat him up?”

So my objective is to overcome this fear of rejection because as I get older it’s just going to limit me more and more. And maybe it’ll take me being rejected 100 or 1,000 times, maybe it’ll take me doing something crazy like, idk, being a go-go dancer…okay maybe not that because they literally dance around in underwear and I wouldn’t wear anything in a room full of strangers that I wouldn’t wear in front of my dad, but idk something crazy that requires extroversion. Also, let me explain, I’m an adventurous person so it’s not like I’m afraid of the world, I’ve been told before that I must not be that shy because I did ‘x,y and z’ but I’m afraid of rejection by my peers, I’m not afraid of going on spur the moment road trips or skinny dipping or just being ridiculous, a lot of people get confused by that but being shy doesn’t mean you’re boring.  Anyway, I’m afraid of rejection, so I’ve got to put myself in situations where I can be rejected. The only way to get rid of a fear is to put yourself in front of the stimulus that scares you on a regular basis so that your amygdala eventually knows there’s no danger here and then I’ll be “cured” of my shyness.

Okay, so I’ve written a list of situations to put myself in and things to do on maybe like a daily or weekly basis:

  • Talk to someone, other than my parents, on the phone. I know this sounds silly but I don’t like talking on the phone it’s weird, plus people always sound different on the phone than they do in real life, it’s awkward, like talking to a stranger.
  • Talk to someone I don’t usually talk to in each of my classes. I get stuck in my circle of people in classes and my classes are small enough where I can talk to anyone, so I should.
  • Be honest about how I feel. It’s very easy for me to be honest when it comes to my opinions about something but very hard for me to let people know they’ve hurt my feelings or that I’m mad at them. Usually, I ignore the feelings until they go away, but they don’t really ever go away. Especially right now when I don’t know who my real friends are, in all honesty, the people I hang out with right now probably won’t even remember my birthday (in 2 weeks). I’m tired of being left out of things and I think I was better off with the friends I hung out with last year, I still hang-out with them occasionally but not as much because I got so involved with making new friends that I kind of distanced myself from the old ones. I’m not saying I’ll stop being “friends” with the people I’m “friends” with now because I have met a couple of people that I really am close to, and I wish I could say that I just need to balance the 2 groups but it’s not about balance, I just don’t belong there and so I’m distancing myself more now. I want to hang-out more with my original friends because those people definitely know when my birthday is and I was never excluded from anything and I never felt like I’d be judged for saying something. I could be myself and they love me, all of me, good and bad. Plus I got hit on a lot more when I was hanging-out with them lol, probably because I went out more and met more people. The funny thing is, I can say these things and probably a lot more and just vent my frustrations because those “friends” don’t read my blog, but that would be very immature and I need to tell them myself. Ugh, that’s going to be uncomfortable, I don’t want to talk about my feeling and I don’t want to offend anyone but certain things need to be addressed.
  • Seek more guy friends. For some reason I’m nervous around guys more than I am around girls. I have mostly girl friends, which is okay I guess, but I think it’s important to have both. Oh, but I have one guy friend! Progress!
  • Go to very public places by myself. I don’t like going to places like the mall or the movies alone because I feel like it draws more attention. Doesn’t make sense, but that’s why it’s a fear.
  • Do pageants or get back into modeling. This one is iffy because I said before that I wouldn’t do pageants because I felt like I would have been doing it for selfish reasons but I’m coming to realize that a big part of this journey that God is putting me through is me becoming a better woman. And I think that God wants us to be confident people so it would probably actually glorify God if I did pageants if the goal is to become a better woman of God. Or I might get back into modeling; nothing says rejection like the fashion world. On the other hand, I’ve gotten so used to ‘no’ in the business that I’m completely numb to it so maybe modeling again wouldn’t really do anything for me. We’ll see, good thing I haven’t given away that directory yet.
  • Talk to guys I think are cute. This is going to be the hardest thing on the list for me because when I’m around a cute guy I feel like I’m about to have a heart attack. A little bit of the pressure is off because I’m not looking to date anyone, but still, this is gonna be a hard one. I’m going to have to actively get out of my own head… people underestimate how hard this is for me.

Something for me to remember is that even though I may get overwhelmed and walk away quickly when I try and do these things the point is that I expose myself to them, so every experience, good or bad was a success because I put myself out there.

I know this sounds strange, but as a kid I was really shy. Painfully shy. The turning point was freshman year, when I was the biggest geek alive. No one, I mean no one, even talked to me.

-Jim Carrey

Copyright ©2012 Soylent Communications

Copyright ©2012 Soylent Communications

I never felt comfortable with myself, because I was never part of the majority. I always felt awkward and shy and on the outside of the momentum of my friends’ lives.

-Steven Spielberg

 Photo by Jeff Vespa – © WireImage.com – Image courtesy WireImage.com

Photo by Jeff Vespa – © WireImage.com – Image courtesy WireImage.com

Writing is show-business for shy people. That’s how I see it.

-Lee Child

Copyright © 2007 VJ Books.

Copyright © 2007 VJ Books.

It was very natural for me to want to disappear into a dark theater. I am really very shy, that is something people never seem to fully grasp because when you’re an actor you are meant to be an exhibitionist.

-Nicole Kidman    563_nicole_kidman_j17-500x375

I loved to make people laugh in high school, and then I found I loved being on stage in front of people. I’m sure that’s some kind of ego trip or a way to overcome shyness. I was very kind of shy and reserved, so there’s a way to be on stage and be performing and balance your life out.

-Steve Martin

© 2013 Last.fm Ltd. All rights reserved

© 2013 Last.fm Ltd. All rights reserved

I think if I were a college professor no one would say I was uncomfortable about being shy because that might be expected. But I think because of people’s stereotypes they think of a football player as someone who is very outgoing and I’m not.

-Ricky Williams

Ricky Williams

I didn’t start singing with my eyes open until I was 19, that’s how shy I was!

-Jennifer Hudson

I have feelings too. I am still human. All I want is to be loved, for myself and for my talent.

-Marilyn Monroe

Copyright © 2013 Bubblews L.L.C. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2013 Bubblews L.L.C. All rights reserved.

At least someone gets it.

Advertisements

The Miserable Ones Have Dreams Too

In my attempt to get control of my life I tried to think about what I really want to do with my life. I know I’ve said I want to travel and help people, but that’s really vague. I thought about it, and I don’t want to go through 3 more years of school, I’m a junior, I’ve been in school all my life, I’m ready to graduate and move on. This week I’ve actually finally felt like getting out of bed in the morning again because I have hope now and a clearer vision of what will make me happy and most importantly, what will make God happy. I talked to some administrators and they told me that I could change my major to psychology and graduate in 3 semesters, I talked to my mom and she said I could graduate with a bachelors in nursing in 18 months, I talked to my dad and he thinks I should’ve gone to culinary school, I talked to my grandma and she thinks I should’ve been an English major.

So finally, I talked to myself. Silence.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life and most people get degrees and don’t even use them these days. Who got the idea that people should pick a major field of study at 18-22 years old? Our lives are just starting, how the hell are we supposed to know what we want to do with our lives? How are we supposed to say, “this is what I’ll do with my life, this is what I’m interested in, this is how I’ll help people,” when we’re just getting to know ourselves and the world we live in?

So I got in an argument with my mom about me changing my major to psychology because she wants me to be a nurse and because my parents pay my tuition. In short, the argument ended in me saying, “you know what, do what you want,” and hanging up the phone. I’m to the point now where I don’t really care, I just want a degree in something so I have something to show for these last 3 years of my life. At least as a nurse I can be a missionary, so I’m not completely against it.

Today I was talking to my mentor about all of this and she asked me, “if you had no friends, no family, and money wasn’t an issue, what would you do?” Such a good question! So often we get distracted and persuaded by the people around us telling us what to do. While they have our best interest in mind, they are biased, my mom wants me to be a nurse because she and her sisters and her mother have been in the medical field for years and she wants me to have security and to make lots of money. So anyway I told her I would leave, I said I would be a missionary and a writer and see the world. I want to see the world.

I am very different from my mom and we want drastically different things for my life. I want to travel and when I say travel I don’t mean vacation, I’m talking 3rd world countries, working with non-profits, volunteering, being a missionary. I probably won’t even have an apartment because I don’t plan on staying in it. I want to see things that will humble me and help people who need help and get joy from that, I don’t care how much money I make.

I feel stuck in this life, and it’s not a bad life, but I don’t want it. So maybe I’ll suffer through 18 more months of school, I’m sure there are some missionary jobs for nurses. But I refuse to have a cushy desk job! And sure, it may be hard for some people to pick up and leave and move around a lot but for me, there’s nothing I’d rather do. I don’t mind having to leave friends and family because you make new friends and family will always be family and I never really get homesick, well except for when I was in New York but that was because it was an awfully rude and obnoxious place. Have you ever seen Bad Girls Club or Jersey Shore? It was like that.

Anyway, I’ve prayed about it and it seems that God is telling me to choose my mother’s path for now because I can missionary with a psych degree or a nursing degree and I don’t really care which one it is so why not just do nursing to make my mother happy and give her peace of mind? And since my mom found an 18 month program, I won’t have to be in school that much longer and the sooner the better because I’m itching to go to North Korea first and maybe work with the non-profit LINK (Liberty In North Korea). The people are being treated as less than human and they are trying to escape, it’s terrible there and God is calling on me to help. I complain about my life but then I learn about something like this and I ask myself, ‘who are the true miserable ones?’ Sure, I’m stressed because of school and uncertainty about the future but at least I have a future, at least I am given the opportunity to dream. This video is from the website, some people think it’s propaganda or non-sense or that we’re treating the North Koreans like they can’t take care of themselves, but when people are ACTIVELY looking for help and trying to escape their country, what kind of people would we be to turn away? http://libertyinnorthkorea.org/media/

And I guess this week, this whole month really, the song I’ve been thinking a lot about is “I Dreamed a Dream” from the musical Les Miserables. I like this song because even though she is miserable, in the beginning you see her reminisce about what was and her dream and I believe that in that moment, you can see that even though terrible things are happening to her she wouldn’t give up that dream for anything in the world. She’s miserable yes, but her dream gives her hope. Everyone should be able to have the opportunity to dream and I think it’s terrible that in the world we live in people’s dreams are being taken away or are non existent because they don’t have time to dream, they’re just trying to survive another day, that’s the biggest tragedy of all. Anyway, I think the song is beautiful. BUT, I like how Ruthie Henshall, the way she portrays emotion is perfect and she really makes me feel what she feels every time I hear it. I know people like Ann Hathaway but listen to this once and you’ll see why there’s no comparison. Once you hear Ruthie Henshall sing it, I mean, everyone else just sounds terrible hahaha. But, to be fair, screen acting is different from the stage and Ann Hathaway isn’t as strongly trained in voice as she is. But anyway, listen to it and you be the judge.

A Sinner, a Saint, and a Bride

I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am pretty, but not beautiful. I have friends, but I am not the peacemaker. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love.

-Marilyn Monroe

I’ve started to figure out why I feel like a fraud in my own life. For the longest time I’ve looked to my parents to guide me through life and tell me what to do, that stops now. I do what they say because I trust them with my life but usually I ask them for advice and without really thinking about what I want I follow their advice. But I’m starting to realize the only ones who really know what I want in life are God and I. I may take my parents’ advice knowing that it’s wrong for example, I had an interview scheduled this morning and instead of following my gut and trying to get there early (I go to places early when I am nervous or anxious, I’m usually the first person at a team tryout or 15 mins early for an interview) my dad told me to not go as early as I wanted to, so I ended up sitting in our driveway trying to defrost my windows, got caught in traffic, and ended up missing my train to Chicago and had to reschedule the interview. I knew that I should have followed my own plan but because he’s my dad I listened. I usually give myself time for extraneous factors such as snow, delayed trains, frost on windows, traffic, and anything else out of my control that may go wrong. My parents are the kind of people who leave at the last possible minute, I knew this but I listened anyway so it’s my fault I missed the interview. I’m a puppet and it’s my fault. I do what I’m told without any if ands or buts but I’m turning 21 in 3 weeks, I am an adult and it’s time for this puppet to cut the strings.

Now, it’s not that me and my parents don’t want the same things for my life, it’s just our visions of the trip there are different, I am in a purple ferrari on a zig-zag road maxing out on the car with the music blasting and the windows down and they want me in a cute little car going the straight and narrow course with music at an appropriate volume. Now I don’t mean that literally, although a purple ferrari would be totally sweet, I mean they have a plan for me and it’s not that I don’t want it, it’s that I want to make it my own. Lately I’ve hated my life because I am not enjoying my classes and I have nothing to look forward to when I wake up in the morning. I talked to my first ex boyfriend about this and he told me to suck it up, everybody goes through it, we choose a major we can tolerate to get a job we can tolerate that hopefully pays well so that we can finally do what we want, it’s a means to an end. And I don’t know about you, but I think that’s really fucked up. Life is too short for people to spend their time doing things they can “tolerate” in hopes that one day they’ll finally be able to do what they want, but it’s the way our society is structured and it’s not all bad, I think it is kind of a positive message in a twisted way, the message is, “what can I do for the world I live in,” not, “what can the world do for me?” And even though this means to an end thing totally sucks, it makes sense, we do what we need to in order to survive and then once our lives are stable we can finally do what we want. I don’t like it, but that’s life.

So what I need to do is ditch the small boring car and get my Ferrari so that I can enjoy the ride. To get back control of my life I need to embrace my inner sinner and stop trying to be perfect for everyone else so that when I wake up in the morning I finally feel like I want to be awake. I want to make my reality better than my dreams. Here’s my sinner/saint list:

“SINNER”

  • I like to drink. I’m not a drunk, the big reason my parents frown upon drinking is because alcoholism runs in my family on both sides but I’m a serious lightweight with control issues, I think I’m safe.
  • I like going to clubs-gay clubs, straight clubs, drag shows, everything because the people there want the same thing I want- to have a good time. I’m not there to judge or to protest, because honestly, I don’t care what people do with their own lives, I just enjoy being part of it.
  • Even though I’m the daughter of a Reverend I don’t like church. I just don’t like going, I don’t gain anything from it right now, I’ll start going again when college is over because right now God is providing all my spiritual needs and church feels like a waste of time. I’ve already told my parents and they actually agree, if I am not gaining anything from going and it doesn’t bring me joy to go, I shouldn’t go. One thing I heard and I always like to say is, “going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.” In fact, some of the biggest sinners go to church, pointing their fingers at everyone else and telling people they’re going to hell. Um, I believe it was Jesus who said, “let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” and since Jesus isn’t casting stones I don’t know where these people get the nerve, it’s as if they are saying they are greater than Jesus Himself. Also, if you’re not God you can’t for sure say someone is going to hell and the people who do are using His name in vain and, according to the Bible, that is punishable.
  • I do not believe you go to hell just because you don’t accept the gift of eternal life, it’s a gift and I don’t think God would eternally punish someone for saying, “no thanks, I don’t want to live forever, I’ll just enjoy life now.” I mean the Bible says, “the wages of sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life.” I’m not wrong, if we don’t accept Jesus then we are not saved from sin, so we die, but if we do then God gives us the gift of eternal life. He didn’t say “for the wages of sin is death but if you don’t accept my gift I will damn you to hell.” How did we get to this messed up translation? I’ve spoken with a lot of people about this and I’ve come to the conclusion that no one really knows what happens to people who don’t accept eternal life but aren’t evil. So who knows and who cares, but I refuse to believe that people who say no thanks are sent to hell, that just doesn’t make sense and I wouldn’t follow a God like that.
  • I wear tight, short dresses and high heels to clubs.
  • I think it’s okay to flirt and casually date multiple people as long as everyone knows you’re casually dating them
  • I want to go skinny dipping!
  • I like showing off my body because I’ve worked to maintain it and I love it. I don’t wear things that are too short, tight, or revealing on a daily basis, but in the summer I love to just wear shorts and a bikini top which is why I need to move some place sunny!! Illinois is Alaska part 2, it’s spring break and I almost got frost bite this morning, terrible. Anyway, I’m not ashamed of my body and I don’t think anyone should be.
  • I curse rarely because on the rare occasion that I do it lets people know just how serious I am or how much emphasis I’m adding to a phrase
  • I like going streaking, although I’ve only done it once but it was super fun
  • I watch Archer, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Bad Girls Club. Why? Because they’re funny.
  • Someone once asked, on a trip I took to Panama City Beach last year, why a bunch of Christians would want to be around so much sin (we went there with Campus Crusades for Christ to evangelize on the beaches, we surprisingly had a lot of conversations with college kids who were already Christian so this girl was puzzled because she thought we’d be talking to a bunch of non-believers) and all I could think was, ‘beaches, boys, and bar parties, why wouldn’t you?’ Just because you go to PCB doesn’t mean you’re off screwing the world, doing drugs, and contracting STIs. Yes, PCB is one of the most dangerous places to go for spring break but those people were who they were before they came to PCB, the high of being on spring break just amplifies who they already were. If I went with a bunch of my friends I can guarantee I wouldn’t do anything I’d be ashamed of, that’s just who I am.
  • I like getting pierced but I hate needles, doesn’t make sense but hey, whatever
  • I want a tattoo on my left shoulder of the sun (apparently it means you’re blessed, someone told me this after I told them that I want the sun tattoo so now I obviously have to get it) I also want a really small one on my left wrist but I don’t know what of
  • I want to learn how to pole dance, it sounds crazy but the muscle isolation you need to be good at it is crazy, makes for a good workout.
  • I like jumping into everything head first, I’m an Aries, we’re fiery, I read this on aol horoscopes “Aries live life head first; after all, those horns on your head are not just for fighting. Your headstrong nature can make you a “battering ram” and woe is the person who stands in your way.” Yep, that’s about right. I can be kind of cut-throat, I like it, it’s fun. And I say yes to things without fully understanding what I’m getting myself into and so far living like that has made for great stories and crazy experiences so I think it’s the right way to do things, if you spend all your time weighing the pros and cons of a decision opportunities pass you by. If it weren’t for my head first nature I wouldn’t have lived in New York briefly, I wouldn’t have the friends I have today because I met them on a trip I didn’t really know much about but said yes to going anyway, I wouldn’t have been an athlete, and the list goes on and on.
  • Sometimes I don’t want to wait for Mr Right and instead, date Mr Right-now. My Mr Right must be bad at directions because it’s taking him forever to find me, this is a problem because I too, am bad at directions…

“SAINT”

  • I don’t think it’s appropriate to openly talk about your sex life as if it’s normal dinner talk. I think your sex life should be between you and the other person and maybe close friends and family. Unless there is a lesson you’re trying to communicate or unless the story is funny, keep your sex stories to yourself because I don’t want to hear it.
  • I don’t make out with strangers or random people, I’m in college, I can get mono.
  • If a relationship is serious, it should be monogamous. If someone is serious about you they’re not going to want to mess around with anyone else. End of story.
  • I’m a virgin and will not have sex until I am married. I think the best gift I can give my husband is him knowing he is my first and I think the action of saving yourself just represents marriage, you’re giving yourself completely to that person and on my wedding day I can honestly say that literally and figuratively. It’s the way God intended marriage to be and since 1 in 4 college kids have an STI and most don’t know it, I figure I’m not missing out on much.
  • I want to spend my life helping people. I am starting to look for more opportunities to volunteer and to help more people. Helping the least of these, that’s my goal in life.
  • I am “married to Christ” which basically means I look to Him to fill my voids because I know that I want more in life and I know that I cannot find what I want through people because people are sinful and imperfect. I give my heart to the only One who won’t break it. And though I may get married, I know God really holds my heart. And if I do get married my husband will never be my god because he is an imperfect sinner too and he will hurt me, but God knows His plans for me and He has my best interest, knowing that, I can be confident and love people and God wholeheartedly because I know that God is my true love and I won’t be afraid when relationships don’t work out because I don’t rely on relationships with people to make me fulfilled. Thinking about that makes me excited for marriage and new relationships because I’m no longer afraid of what will happen if things aren’t perfect and if things don’t work out. I am also confident that I would be a good wife because I am a bride of the perfect groom, I am a bride of Christ.

Dogs never bite me, just humans.

-Marilyn Monroe

 

My Perfect Guy

Since I’m not dating right now I have time to think about my past and what I really want. I need to start dating smarter and instead of dating the guy with the most charisma I need to start dating the guy who embodies what I want. I wrote a list of things that I want, now I’m not saying he needs to be all of these things, but if I could construct the perfect guy for me here’s what he’d be:

  • I want him to be part of my life and I to be part of his. I want to meet his siblings and see them as mine too. I hope it’s as if we were already family but just got disconnected somehow and found each other again.
  • We won’t have to do anything sexual for us to have an intimate connection
  • He’ll take the time to get to know me before he “makes a move”
  • He’ll be a gentleman and the first kiss will feel sweet and timid instead of making me feel like a piece of meat.
  • But, he’ll call me out when I need to be called out and be blatantly honest.
  • When he hangs out with my family it’ll be like he was supposed to be part of our family the whole time and he’ll feel the same about me with his family. He’ll get along really well with my brothers and crack open beers with my dad, he’ll be respectful to my mom and play with my little cousins, niece, and nephews.
  • He’ll be head and shoulders over me and I won’t tower over him in heels! (I’m 5’9 and a half and in my heels I’m like 6’1/6’2, this has been a problem in my dating life)
  • He’ll be even goofier than I am so that we can be dorks together cause seriously, I’m tired of being the dorkiest person I know
  • He’ll care for others and care about helping people just as much as I do
  • He’ll have to have been an athlete and I’m not saying that for shallow reasons, I’m saying that because athleticism teaches you discipline, confidence, how to take care of your body, how to win and how to lose. And if he’s not an athlete he probably won’t mesh well with my family, we love sports and we breed athletes. Case in point, my cousin plays MLB and my brother is a varsity football player and he’s a sophomore and they’re teaching him how to be QB now b/c they want him to be QB next year (apparently that’s a big deal cause when I told that to some guy he freaked) he’s also gotten letters that he’s being watched by colleges, he has been invited to play in tournies in Hawaii and Australia over the summer, and he goes to top gun training for QBs. My other brother is only 11 and he’s close to surpassing me in height, he’s up to the top of my shoulder already! And the doctor says he’ll probably be 6’5! So he plays basketball. My older brother was also a basketball player. My dad played baseball, coached football, and played basketball as well. My mom…well she keeps saying she played volleyball in high school but that was gym class and gym class doesn’t count, she’s the only non-athlete of the family. Anyway, sorry, I like talking about my family, but you get my point, if he’s not an athlete, he won’t fit in.
  • He’ll be as competitive as I am
  • We’ll make each other better people
  • He’ll be intelligent enough to hold a conversation about current issues
  • He’ll look at me as if I’m the only girl in the world and like he has been waiting for me forever and I don’t mean that like in Rihanna’s sexual way
  • He’ll make me feel pretty
  • He’ll try new things and do things just for the hell of it
  • He’ll make me laugh, (as if it’s that hard)
  • He’ll love kids
  • He’ll be my best friend and biggest cheerleader and I his
  • He’ll won’t just tell me all the things I’ve heard before, “you’re special,” “you deserve a good man,” “you have my heart.” NO! He’ll SHOW me, you think I’m special, show me how special you think I am, you think I deserve a good man, be that man, show me that I have your heart; he’ll talk the talk AND walk the walk.
  • He’ll challenge me in every way
  • Most important, our relationship will glorify the Lord and we will build our lives and our family as a reflection of God’s love and grace so that we, like my parents, can have a sign across from the front door so that the first thing people read when they come in is, “the Lord has done this thing.”

I love this song by Adele, she describes the guy I think we all want and at the end she realizes he has been waiting for her too. Love! It’s called “Daydreamer” and it’s at the bottom of this post.

Another song that I’ve been thinking about lately is the song “Paper Bag” by Fiona Apple I relate to this song because of the heartbreaks I’ve gone through and how I’ve felt after them: just the feeling that you get when you think someone is what you’ve been waiting for and then you find out they’re not and you had all this hope and then, yet again, you’re heartbroken. I like this song because I relate to trying to be someone I’m not to fit in and be accepted by the guy I want to be with. I think this song is a perfect example about how sometimes we idolize people and it just ends up tearing us down and how we need to accept ourselves for who we are and not think of anyone as higher or lesser than ourselves. And, for me, I always see the guy I’m with as higher than myself which just makes me feel inadequate and that’s not healthy at all. It’s like the story of Jacob and Leah, she was only able to be happy when she realized she needed to stop chasing after the approval of Jacob and instead look to the Lord to fill her void. When Leah was finally able to say, “this time I will praise the Lord,” her relationship with the God was stronger and she was happy because she was no longer looking at Jacob as her lord. I’m beginning to see Lord as Lord and man as man, just like Leah.

Everybody Loves a Fraud, Nobody Loves a Winner

I was watching one of my favorite shows, “Make it or Break it,” I know that it’s no longer on TV but I re-watch the episodes sometimes on Netflix, anyway, one of the girls said something that really resonated with me, she said that she feels like an imposter and like at any moment everyone was going to find her out, and that is exactly how I’ve felt for a long time. I don’t even remember when I started feeling this way but I remember having said it a few times and thinking it again recently. I’ve never tried to figure out why I feel this way but maybe it’s time I do.

I’ve felt like I’m not pretty enough for as long as I can remember. Seriously. The moment I started liking boys they didn’t like me and even when my parents’ friends say how beautiful they think I am I just think they are being nice to schmooze my parents. Even during my time as an athlete when some of the girls would compliment my physique I never thought much of it. I always just thought it was girls being girls-shallow, empty compliments that some girls say to get more friends or more popularity. When people tell me how good they think I look I feel like I’ve somehow fooled them into thinking I’m beautiful because I don’t feel like I am. And when I tried modeling every thought in my head that told me I’m not pretty enough and not worthy of what I want was confirmed. They didn’t like my look. They said I was a natural, like I’d been modelling for years but that my look wasn’t right. I went to other agencies but it was always the same thing. What can you do about the way you look other than lose weight? Don’t worry, I didn’t develop an eating disorder, but it was a huge blow to my confidence in my looks. They assured me that just because my look isn’t right this season doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be right next season. They encouraged me to keep trying and to come back and to keep coming back, but the truth is, I just saw modeling as a way to get rich quick. I didn’t care at all about the business, I just wanted the money and attention. Deep down I knew that was wrong of me and deep down I knew I wanted more for myself than money. I have a directory of the best modeling agencies in the world, maybe it’s time I pass the torch to someone who really wants to model for selfless reasons. Trying to find a benevolent model, now that’s a challenge.

I also feel like I’m an imposter in the role of perfect daughter. I’ve always done what I was told. If I wanted to go somewhere and my parents said no, I wouldn’t argue about it I just obeyed. My dad said no dating in high school and though I would ask again if I could each year, when he said no I obeyed. When my dad would take clothes away from me that someone else would hand down to me, I and others would ask why and he would always say the same thing, “it’s too adult and my daughter isn’t going to be a woman before it’s her time,” he’d say the same thing when it came to make-up too until I was 15. A lot of girls would just put make up on at school and take it off before they got home, or sneak out of the house to go to a party or see a boy and for some reason me not doing those things made me a “good girl.” But in all honesty, I didn’t obey because I wanted to be good, I obeyed because I was afraid of disappointing my dad. With sports it was always me and my dad and my brother, he’s like our second coach, our personal trainer. I’m his only daughter, it has always been me and him since I was a little girl, I’ve always just wanted to make him proud. I think the bond between a daughter and father is so important and so special. I’m turning 21 in a month and with one sentence, one look of disappointment from my dad I’m still brought to tears. So you see, I wasn’t a good girl because I wanted to be good, I was a good girl because I liked the attention I got from making good choices and being obedient. People looking up to me and my daddy telling me he’s proud of me, nothing the life of a bad girl could offer me is better than that.

And now that I’m in college I’m repeatedly being told how smart, bright, or sharp I am. But I just keep thinking, if I’m so damn smart, why is my GPA not perfect? Why the hell don’t I get academic recognition? If my teachers think I’m so smart, bright, and sharp why don’t I have the rewards to prove it? I love that based off one conversation with a superior, they can see how smart I am and how much I have to offer, but I’m an athlete through and through and I’m super competitive. I want to be the best at everything I participate in. I seriously think that I work harder and have had to overcome more obstacles and have more focus than most people my age and I’ve always been that way. So when I see a friend getting some kind of recognition I get kind of jealous, I’ve worked my ass off and made sacrifices to get where I am and have had to put up with more than most people my age do. I feel like they don’t deserve it and I do, it’s wrong but I don’t care, it’s how I feel. I fight for everything, I compete for everything and I want to win. Once an athlete, always an athlete. Now that I don’t play sports anymore I apply my competitiveness to life in general. So now I’m a perfectionist, if you shoot for the moon the worst that could happen is that you land on a star, cliche, I know but I want to “win” at everything. I want to be perfect and if someone tells me that I’m smart before I’ve reached perfection I feel like they’re putting me on a pedestal I don’t deserve to stand on so I put even more pressure on myself to reach that level faster before people find out I’m not really that smart, before they find out I’m a fraud. I don’t know if I’m actually smart or if I’ve just fooled everyone into thinking that I am. It sounds silly but if I don’t have the rewards to prove to myself that I’m smart then to me, I’m not smart. For example, one of my best friends graduated with honors and we were having a conversation and I was explaining why something people do doesn’t make sense to me and he said, “honestly, not everyone is as smart as you are, you have to understand that,” and all I could think was, “if I’m so damn smart why am I not an honors kid, what makes him more deserving than me?”

Being this way has made me a more interesting person. Wanting to be the best at everything has made me more diverse, given me lots of interests, given me pretty cool stories to tell and experiences to share, keeps me busy because I always have something new to conquer, made me disciplined, dedicated, ambitious, and, focused. And honestly, it may be the reason I’ve been able to deny myself of sex, it’s a competition between mind and body, between spirit and flesh. But there’s a very huge negative, I push people away. I go through life acting like I’m competing against everyone for everything-I have found myself competing for male attention just because some other girl likes a guy, won’t even be interested in the guy it’s just the competition that drives me. It’s disgusting, it’s like a drug, competition it excites me.

I put up walls and when the going gets rough I tell the people who reach out to me that I want to be alone. I’ve always thought that letting people see you vulnerable is a sign of weakness. In my family crying is something to be ashamed of, you cry alone in your room and then you come out and act as if everything is okay until everything is okay. I have no idea how to let people see me vulnerable, it’s the same reason me and my brother got in a fight about who would pay for lunch, I didn’t want my little brother paying for me, I’m the older one I’m supposed to give him money not the other way around, I realize that this was because I am prideful, I literally get so uncomfortable when I am given anything I did not earn, I hate handouts and I think it is the most embarrassing and scary thing to admit to someone that you need their help or that you need them in general. The irony is I’ve always wanted a sister because I think sister bonds are special, I’ve always wanted someone I can tell everything to and though me and my mom are very much like sisters, there are still some things I’d rather not talk to her about. The thing is now that I have friends that I can tell anything to, I don’t know how to. When someone asks me what’s wrong I want to tell them whats wrong but it’s like a being just takes over my body and I can’t form any words but the words, “I’m fine,” or I tell them I want to be alone and I really do want to be alone to deal with my problems but that’s not healthy. I just don’t want anyone to see my weaknesses because I think they’ll use them against me because they’re my competition.

Breaking down my walls is a huge step in my Christian journey. Writing this blog is actually a huge step for me because I am confessing things that I’ve never told anyone and now they’re available for whoever chooses to read about them. I know that God does not want us to be the way that I am, He created us to be social beings, to be dependent on one another and on Him and how, if I get married, can I be a good wife if I’m closed off and competing against my husband? I have to learn how to be a team player and though I’ve played many team sports there’s still a level of independence in the sports, you’re not only competing against the other team but you’re competing for a starting spot or in my case, competing to be the best sprinter on the team and I focused more on that than my team.

My competitiveness is more of a problem than I thought and I didn’t even know that pride is one of my problem areas. But I still don’t know why I feel like a fraud in my own life…maybe my high expectations to be perfect and my inability to reach perfection leaves me feeling fraudulent? I don’t know but I certainly don’t need to figure it all out today.