He loves me, He loves me not…

I’ve reached a point of uncertainty. I am starting to feel that God doesn’t have my best interest in mind. Now I know that being a Christian isn’t about having an easy life in fact it’s the opposite. But I …

Better to Have Loved and Lost than Never to Have Loved at All?

I don’t like to admit it but I have feelings. I usually mask them with sarcasm or distract myself from them by keeping myself busy. You can’t feel pain if you’re busy. I take on more volunteer work, event planning, …

My First Kiss

I was thinking and I never told you guys about my first kiss. This is a blog about all things love so it’s only fitting I tell you about it.

You know how there’s that look and then he grabs you by the waist gently and looks you deep into your eyes and you start to tremble and get those butterflies and then his lips barely touch yours and you feel like you’re floating and you close your eyes and time stops. Then you open them and you feel like you’re dreaming?

Yeah, wasn’t like that for me at all. This glorified first kiss thing has got to stop. Stop it Hollywood, you’re getting our hopes up! Now, I’m not saying that they’re all not like that but I haven’t heard any real life stories that were like that.

Unlike most girls my first kiss was fairly recent. I wasn’t allowed to date in high school and since I was terrified of disobeying my dad I didn’t date. So I had a lot of catching up to do when college rolled around.

I met this guy at a charity ball, he was going away to boot camp for the Marine Corps after the weekend. I was immediately attracted to him when he entered the room, our eyes locked and my goodness I got butterflies. Sounds like a movie doesn’t it? But unlike the Hollywood tales we did not have an “adult sleepover” and although I was invited to an “after party” of his I didn’t go.

He was charming, he made me laugh and he was sweet to me and he wouldn’t take his eyes off of me the whole night. I hate being stared at but when it’s a cute guy it makes you feel special. We danced and he stared into my eyes and had his hands in respectable places. So far it sounds so cliche I’m starting to wonder if it really happened or if it was just from a movie I watched.

Anyway, he actually brought alcohol in a flask because he was told there would just be punch at the party. I thought it was funny and I was immediately drawn to him. My friends saw what was happening and warned me about his bad boy rep.

Tisk, tisk didn’t they know good girls love bad boys.

I was even more attracted to him after I found out about his past. And, I mean how bad could he be he was at a charity ball for crying out loud. I confronted him about it and he said it was all true, the sex, drugs, money and moving out of his parents’ house and being on his own since 16 but, he said he wanted to be a “better man.” Now I don’t know what it is ladies but when we hear that something in us goes ‘AWWW.’

Even though I was clearly into the guy I thought it was a chance encounter and snuck away from the party and went home. He was getting increasingly drunk and when guys get drunk they get clingy, not my thing. But I was still kind of into him but I knew he was leaving for bootcamp so I thought nothing of it but a great night with a fun guy.

A few months later we reconnected and long story short he asked me out, I said sure why not because it was summer and I was bored. But since he’s in the Marines we hardly ever saw each other so we didn’t actually have our first kiss until months after we started dating.

He came to visit because he was home for a few days before he had to go again. I saw him walking toward me and I got butterflies, just like the movies. I hugged him and feeling his arms around me was the best feeling ever, just like the movies. But we didn’t kiss. Not yet. He came into the room and we watched a movie and he laid on the bed and asked me if I was cold. I of course said no because I wasn’t but my friend was there and she was like that means he wants to cuddle and he said, “yeah, that’s where I was going with that.” I was slightly embarrassed by my inexperience with this type of stuff. I mean, he should have just said he wanted to cuddle. “Say what you mean, dammit,” that’s my motto.

Anyway, we cuddled and it was nice but then I started to get uncomfortable as he started to kiss my neck and blow in my ear. I started to think, “is he seriously trying to get frisky? Now? But, he was away in the corps for months I guess I should let him have some fun…” He started groping me and touching me and the next thing I knew he was on top of me. Still can’t figure out how that happened. He kissed me and…it was terrible. I’m sure he’s a good kisser what with all of his experience but I didn’t enjoy it. His tongue was in my mouth, he smelled like cigarettes and my eyes were open the entire time. Well, I closed them but closing them didn’t feel right so I opened them again. It was like there was a flopping fish in my mouth that tasted like an ashtray.

It wasn’t only the kiss that made my first kiss terrible I think it was the timing too. It’s hard to start off a relationship with a guy who’s in the military we never saw each other in fact, that kiss was only our second encounter. I felt like I needed to spend time with him more, go on a few dates at least before I let him grope me. And that was another thing, the groping, he knew I was saving myself for marriage but he had never been with a girl like me so going slow wasn’t something he grasped very well. I always thought the first kiss would be sweet, timid, gentle but instead it was wet, aggressive, passionate. Passion before you’re ready for it is not a good thing. I was expecting him to ease into it but there he was on top of me full throttle.

Later we had more problems, even though he said he wanted to be a better man and not have sex again until it was with a girl that matters. I really wanted to believe him but eventually I was forced to confront the truth when he said what I’d wished he would have just told me from the very beginning, “I don’t think I can be in a sexless relationship. And I know I can’t be faithful when I’m away.” What a waste of time.

Now I understand how hard it must be for a guy with a bad boy rep to try and be with a girl with a good girl rep. But, I did ask him if he thought he could handle dating a girl like me whose saving it for the white dress and he said yeah because he liked me not just my body. Ladies, they all say that. I’ve dated 4 or 5 guys and every single one has said the exact same thing but when it comes down to it, if you have to ask you already know the real answer… you’re just hoping he doesn’t say it. The real answer is he wants to say yes and mean it and maybe he does for a little while, but common sense tells you that a bad boy isn’t going to just give up his bad boy ways on a whim. It’ll take time and personal growth and restructuring and unfortunately, that doesn’t involve us.

You want to date a guy with a bad boy rep but you’re afraid it won’t work out?

Solution: Don’t date him. See how serious he is about being a better man on his own because if he doesn’t want to change for himself he’s not going to change for you. Lesson learned.

How Do You Know When it’s Real?

Since this is a blog to express how I feel about love I guess I should be more vulnerable.

Last night I went to a party for the graduates, everyone could come as long as they were invited by a senior. So I went with some friends, it was on a boat and we went down the IL River for about 2 hours. I was excited to go because I had never been to senior boat before. Being on the boat reminded me of junior prom because we did the same thing only we were at Navy Pier. I quickly discovered, however that this was very, very different from a high school prom.

Drunks, vulgarity, and inappropriate sexual behavior everywhere. At first I didn’t know why there were chaperones because it’s college and most people there were 21+ but seeing how some people were acting I realized why. Then again, it’s not like the chaperones did anything so I still don’t know why they were there.

Anyway, this isn’t about that, this is about the way being there made me feel.

So, I guess I felt out of place, everywhere I looked there were couples and every insecurity I thought I had dealt with quickly came to surface. I started to feel ugly, lonely, like a loser. I went with friends and we’re all single but I just still didn’t feel like I should have been there. Everywhere I looked there was someone making out, someone sucking someone’s neck, a guy feeling a girl up. It was just a bunch of horny animals and I was disgusted but jealous at the same time. Being around all those couples made me so sad but,

It was my choice not to date for a year

It was my choice to not cave into sexual promiscuity.

I choose who I surround myself with.

I chose all the “right” things but being there just made me feel like I have been choosing the wrong things. I mean, when you see some of your Christian friends grinding on the dance floor it’s hard to tell the difference between them and everyone else. It was as if they were saying, “I have Christian morals, but only when it’s convenient.” It was like a lie. Some of my other friends talked about that too, it made us uncomfortable but you know what, to each their own, I don’t judge.

Being at senior boat made me realize I do want what those girls have though, I always have which is what made me sad-

I want a guy to look at me the way they were being looked at by their boyfriends and I don’t mean in a sexual way, what I mean is like this

They looked at their girlfriends like they were the most amazing girls in the world. I don’t know if that’s how they really felt or if it was just all the alcohol but regardless, I wanted it.

So I became jealous and started thinking ‘woe is me’ but then I realized I don’t want what they have. I think it’s sad when you can’t tell if a guy really feels like the girl he’s with is the most amazing girl in the world or if it’s just the alcohol.

I want more.

I was with a guy who looked at me that way but only when it was convenient. But he is the only guy who has ever looked at me that way so I thought it was real. I still have no idea if it was real on his part because he still claimed that he had real feelings for me after we broke up but I find that hard to believe given the way I was treated.

My question for you all is, how do you know when it’s real? A guy can fake that look, I saw it first hand multiple times last night, some of the times I saw it being enacted on some of my friends by guys who were players.

The harsh reality broke my spirit. That a guy can lie with his eyes too.

If he can lie with his eyes he can lie with anything.

I’m at a loss, but at least I learned something about myself:

• I want to be wanted, every woman does but, I don’t want to fool around with a loser who does nothing but lie and make me feel insignificant. I saw too many girls get hurt by that last night.
• I want a serious relationship because I do want to be a wife. Not anytime too soon but I could see myself engaged in a few years. I don’t want kids until I’m 30 though, I’m waaaay not ready for motherhood, nowhere near it. But some of my friends are which kind of just makes me feel weird lol
• I put myself through this because I know it will pay off. I let myself feel left out, I stay a virgin and I surround myself with people who do and want the same things even if we are the outsiders because I know that it will make me happier and healthier in the long run. I’ve seen family member after family member fall prey to drugs, alcohol, and a boy’s lies. Do you know what it got them? Jail, compromised health, dependency, and unplanned pregnancies. I grew up watching cousins, aunts and uncles who all had, potential throw their lives away over fleeting pleasure. I grew up knowing I didn’t want to be like them and have done everything in my power to run away from it.

What’s next:

I need to remind myself continuously that I’m doing these things for a reason and I need to stay out of situations that make me feel otherwise until I’m spiritually and mentally stronger. I won’t be going to senior boat next year and I am not going to anymore of these parties. I’m not a party girl in the first place so I have no idea what I was doing there anyway.

Is Love Overrated?

I was at a Cru meeting, the topic was dating and one of the members had a question for the staff, “if someone get pregnant is it okay to get married to them just because you’re having a baby with them?” One staff member said he thinks it’s okay and when we all looked at him dumbfounded he said, “now hear me out, I think our society puts too much emphasis on love. I think that sometimes we live in a fantasy land where we think all we need is love. Obviously they shouldn’t get married just because of the child but if that’s what pushes them then I think it’s okay.”

I think he was partially right, our society does put a lot of emphasis on love. When we were young we watched Disney movies that gave young girls the message that your dreams are only complete when you have found your prince. It is for this reason that we grow up thinking all we need is love to be happy. That’s a lie. Being married isn’t better than being single, it’s just different being single isn’t better than being married it’s just different. Problems are different, priorities change, and they both have their positive and negative sides. I think that through the music we listen to, the movies we watch and the people we surround ourselves with we acquire certain beliefs.

Yes, I do think we need love to be happy but that love doesn’t have to come from a dating relationship or a marriage. In fact, these things can sometimes bring despair when not exercised properly. What makes me whole, what keeps me going is faith and hope and love.

I have faith that current situations will get better

I have hope that things will work out in my favor

I have a love greater than anything I’ve ever experienced because it is perfect, because it is from The Perfect One

Love is not overrated, it’s where we seek love that can be overrated. Love between people, that’s overrated. People think that when they get married the problems in the relationship will dissolve and they will live happily ever after. Then when that doesn’t work they have children to mend their broken marriage. But they quickly discover children only put more strain on marriage so then they divorce and search again for their “true love” or their “prince charming.” You want to know why 50% of marriages fail? That’s why. There is no such thing as prince charming because prince charming is perfect and in this world there are only imperfections. The marriages that last, the ones that succeed are the ones where both people understand this, that their spouse will hurt them, make them angry, and be annoying because their spouse is not perfect. But you know what, they accept them anyway.

The marriages that succeed are the ones where neither person is putting the other up on a pedestal. The marriages that succeed are the ones built by survivors, the ones that tough it out and try and work at it because they know “I do” doesn’t me “I do…for now.” This is going to sound scary but it’s the truth, marriage is a life sentence, it should be treated as such.

When you say ‘I love you’ understand what you’re saying, you’re saying ‘I accept you, all of you.’ You’re saying, ‘you are important to me, you add to my happiness.’ You’re not saying, ‘I accept you as long as you stay perfect’ you’re not saying, ‘you are important to me sometimes.’

The word “love” is overused and abused and so is marriage, if you’re not in it for the long hall sit down, it’s not written anywhere that you have to get married.

Love in general is not overrated, when it is expressed correctly it is one of the best gifts man has.

However, we can make it overrated by saying the word when we don’t understand what we’re saying, jumping into marriage without thinking about it logically, and by searching the world for the perfect prince.

7 Months!

It has been a wonderful 7 months without dating; there have been many ups and downs but all in all I’m glad I have been doing this. With my time off dating I’ve come to realize how much the thought and distraction of boys kind of just clouded my judgment and altered my motives. Now that I’m not trying to impress anyone I can decide if I really want to do something. Here’s what I’ve learned on my journey solo so far:

• I really like watching baseball! I never understood the sport EVER! But I went to a baseball game a couple weeks ago because I organized for the baseball team to wear blue ribbon pins and blue bracelets for child abuse awareness month to spread awareness about child abuse and the One Hope United organization. And I surprisingly had a lot of fun! I usually fall asleep watching baseball on TV with my dad but I had a lot of fun so I went to another one yesterday, again so fun. And I’m going again today! One of my friends asked me if I have a crush on one of the players because usually girls go to the games to support their boyfriends but I really don’t, I just like going. It’s nice to go to a sporting event and not be scouting out cute guys, I was actually able to pay attention to the game instead of the guys playing. I still don’t understand it all but I learn more each time I go. Woohoo for baseball!

This is my cousin at one of his northwestern games, he plays in the major leagues now! Woohoo baseball!

• I know my type. I’ve said this before, but since I’m not dating I’ve had time to think about what I want in a guy and now I know so that I don’t waste anyone’s time in the future.
• I don’t need a boyfriend. I think now a boyfriend would be…okay I don’t really care either way but before I started this it was always on my mind. A lot of people would tell me I could date any guy I wanted and so if I was single or didn’t have a potential guy I felt that something was wrong with me, that there was a negative rumor (my school is a small private college), or that maybe I just was odd or not pretty. I not only feel like I don’t need a guy but I am a lot more comfortable being alone now whereas before being alone made me so anxious and self conscious but then I realized no one cares that I’m alone and I was just being ridiculous. I’m so much happier now because I’m comfortable with myself.
• I no longer find my worth in men. It used to be I wasn’t pretty, smart, funny, or fun unless I got validation from a guy and that was an everyday ordeal for me. Now I wake up in the morning realizing how beautiful I really am and I’ve been hanging out a lot more with friends and just having fun being myself with them. I don’t understand why I spent so much time trying to be someone I thought a guy I liked would want. I realize that dating is supposed to be about two people who are similar and want to get to know each other better, no one should be trying to conform to what the other wants. I am pretty, I am smart, and I’m the goofiest person I know. I think I’m pretty great and I know and accept my flaws so I should be with a guy who loves and accepts all of me too. My new philosophy is to be with a guy who loves me as much as I love me lol that’s almost impossible now which I think is the point. I think we’re just supposed to be ourselves and then love will find us.
• I am so loved! This year has been so uplifting for me because I didn’t know where I fit in, in my groups of friends but it turns out people appreciate and look up to me and trust me. I had THE BEST 21st birthday last month, most people don’t remember their 21st but mine was one I’ll never forget! I should actually put pictures up, I will later but it was awesome and now that the school year is coming to an end I’ve just been hanging out with and really appreciating the people in my life. Whether it’s late night talks with friends about their love lives, picking out dresses for the upcoming busy weekend of baccalaureate, senior boat, and graduation (I get to go because I’m in choir and we sing for baccalaureate and graduation and one of my friends invited me to senior boat! super excited!), listening to engagement stories, going to baseball games, advice giving and advice taking, I’m enjoying spending time with the people in my life instead of worrying about keeping a boy in my life. I’ve learned to appreciate the people I have and not to hold onto the people leaving because the people who stick around are the people who are worth my time.

• I am wiser. I just yesterday was able to give advice to one of my friends who is also not dating for a year, she started the day after me. She is having concerns about a guy who isn’t Christian but who wants to date her. I’ll go no further than that, but I was able to give her sound advice because of my own experiences with “bad boys” who are sweet and charming. Sometimes you have to follow your brain and not your hormones no matter how sweet he may be to you now, if your morals and lifestyles are different it’s just not going to work out. But I told her to still be friendly and see what happens because God may be working in him through her, he is going to church now so who knows what will happen.
• I am more spiritually mature. I didn’t really care about my relationship with God, I didn’t even know there was such a thing but now I actually have a relationship with Him and it’s wonderful. I was recently told by a friend that she enjoys being around me because my love for God is contagious. I’ve been told this a couple of times this semester actually. I’m glad other people can see it because that must mean it’s radiating and people should be able to tell you’re a follower by the fruit that you produce, I finally know what that looks like because that’s me now 🙂 so uplifting.
• I have been able to spend more time with other believers. I so love being around other Christians, I had a bad habit of being into non-christian guys so my relationships were distracting and I’ve been able to see that there are plenty of Christian guys who are my type.

• I’m a pretty awesome person! Since I was always looking for validation from guys I always ended up feeling insignificant and not good enough (not talented enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not athletic enough) to be with the guy I was with or interested in. But since I’ve been consciously by myself for a while I realize just how amazing I really am. And I’m not trying to sound prideful I just think that everyone should feel that way, not that they’re better or worse than others but that they’re just different and they have something unique to offer the world. Now I can date with confidence. My confidence in myself is so completely different.

All in all I guess I’ve just gotten to know myself a lot better and I really like me lol. I’ve gotten to spend more quality time with friends too and figuring out which friends were real friends that I could see myself hanging out with for years to come was very rewarding; I love my friends! A year off of dating was much needed for my mind, spirit, and social life!

   

Here are some pictures of my 21st, to sum it up there was shopping, a loooot of food, shopping some more and drinking in moderation, of course